We're Still Human

Chapter 35: The Past is just that...The Past

Sydney was a ride. A joy ride to be exact.

Nadia and I were on the team together. We played for four years together, since middle school and then till the end of the last time I was at the school. We've always been a duo, mirroring each other on and off the court. I guess that's how our friendship really grew deeper from then; she was someone I could rely on.

Until the last term I was actually there.

Nadi and I had a few issues that were always resolved on the court, as if our problems could be fixed by simply working together and ignoring them. When the whole coming out situation happened, our friendship couldn't be fixed by just basketball, and though I'll never tell her this, it was part of the reason I was playing even more aggressively that semester. I had something to prove, something to avoid, pain to fix.

But obviously, you can't heal pain by ignoring it.

Our last game was one for the books. Nadia and I avoided eye contact, barely spoke a word to one another, and our harmony on the court was a tell tale sign that something was off between me and her. During the third quarter, I tried to take a half court shot, jumping and landing badly on my right foot. I was rushed off the court and into the hospital, suffering from an ACL tear. The next few months after that were hell; Nadia refused to speak to me after that, and before I thought about leaving Sydney with my parents, we met one last time.

I guess this is the part of the past we don't speak of.

I'm knocked out of my own mind as Nadia walks into our hotel room, dropping a water bottle on my bed side table. She then sits on the bed, covering her face.

Yeah, this is definitely mirroring the last time we talked in Sydney.

"Congrats on your victory, Nadia. I'm sure you're so proud," I murmur, getting off my own bed and standing near her. "Was it worth it?"

Nadia looks up at me, her eyes shining with disbelief. "Fucking hell Yasmina, are you really blaming me for doing what was best for you? Would you have rather risked an injury just to win game one of three?"

"It would've been my decision, you didn't have to take that from me," I sneer.

Nadia stands up, glaring at me. "How did that work out for you last time, huh? You injured yourself and you were out for months, fucking months, and all that time...you could've avoided it. You didn't have to show off, you just had to follow my lea—"

"It's not just about you, Nadia! I don't have to follow your lead everytime we want to win!"

Nadia shakes her head, pacing back and forth. "But we won today, so what? I'm just useless then? Or is the some reason you don't want to work with me?"

I scoff. "Nadia, you don't want to do this."

She throws her hands in the air. "Well, why not? We've been avoiding this for fucking ages, I'd rather you tell me right here, right now, Yasmina. I'm right here, tell me the truth." I look away from her. "This is about Sydney, right? You're trying to rewrite your wrongs, aren't you?"

"Nadia—"

"And you're doing this because you're avoiding the truth about what happened." She goes on, and I look at her, noticing her own eyes with tears. "You haven't forgiven me for Sydney."

I look down briefly, before our eyes meet again. I take a deep breath before closing my eyes. "What's there to forgive, Nadia? I don't know what I'm forgiving."

"Yasmina, look at me."

"No." I take a step back. "You're a conniving little bitch. You hurt people, Nadia, that's what you do. You don't care about anyone but yourself. You never cared. You never did, Nadia." I shake my head, eyes still closed. "I told you who I was in confidence, and you went and exploited it. You told my mom, you told the girl I liked, hell, you snapped a picture of me kissing a girl. You're a horrible person. You're...you were..."

"Nothando," she murmurs. "Please, look at me."

I open my eyes slowly, and she walks over to me, tears now flowing freely. "I'm sorry."

I nod at her slowly. "Why did you hate me so much?"

Nadia closes her eyes. "Because I hated myself, Nothando. I hated that...that you knew who you were and I didn't."

"What do you mean? I barely know who I am right now, Nadia," I joke and she laughs through her tears. She stays silent for a while, before it finally clicks. "Nadia...you're in the closet."

She stares at me before smiling a little. "I grew up learning that people like you...like us...were hated. I grew up knowing that if you were anything other than straight, you were evil; you didn't know what you were throwing away or missing. I watched you, Nothando, and I...you were the first girl I...yeah."

My eyes widen, and I hold her hand in support. "You liked me. You hated that you liked me."

"It's not something you see everyday, hating your very first crush," she jokes. "When you came out to me, I didn't understand it...I wanted to protect you from, well, yourself. I thought you were evil, a self hating girl, a girl that just wants to be different. My hate for you began that day, but underneath it, I knew it wasn't hate; it was jealousy, and dare I say a crush." She looks away from me. "I spent my entire time trying to ruin you, I did all that because I wanted you to see the wrong you were doing. When you left after our argument, I realised that I was shitty to you because I couldn't face it myself. You knew who you were and I was trying to hide who I was. When I realised this, it was too late, you had already left.

I wanted to reach out, to apologize, to talk, but I knew you wouldn't let me. I spent an entire six months thinking about what I'd say when I next saw you; how I'd apologize, let you know that hey, I'm gay, and how I'd love to reconnect with you. Little did I know that the next time I'd see you would be in Melbourne, and when I first saw you, the feelings rushed back. This time though, I knew we would never happen, and all of that was solidified by you having a girlfriend, one that loves you the way you deserve to be loved anyway."

She places one hand on my heart. "I hated it. I hated seeing someone love you the way I never got to, the way I've wanted to for a long time. Over time, watching you, mocking you, I realized that sometimes friendship is all that's necessary, or is all either one of us have to offer each other. And I guess this is what made me start to build a relationship with you again. When your mom told me that you came out to her officially, I tried so desperately for her to bring you back home. She wouldn't budge at first, but she slowly started to care, and that's when I knew that you unlocked the key to forgiveness. I thought to myself, if you could forgive her, you could forgive me too." She looks down at her hand. "But none of that can happen without me truly apologizing to you, Yasmina. I am sorry."

I sniffle, placing a hand on top of hers. "Can I tell you a secret?"

"I mean, we're already here anyway," she jokes.

I smile at her, a tear leaving my eye. "The girl I told you I liked at first was a lie. You...you were my first crush."

Nadia's mouth opens slightly, and her eyes shine with tears again.

"But you're right, Nadia." I hold her hand. "Friendship...friendship is the only thing either one of us can offer right now. I'm in love with Kendall, and you...you'll always have a place in my heart as my friend, my sister."

"If we're being honest, she'll always be the better person." She admits. "I see the way you look at her. You'll never look at me the way you look at her, even if things weren't so complicated the first time."

"Back then, I wouldn't even admit this, but she made me believe that loving someone is possible, and I hope that you feel the same way about someone else one day, Nadia."

Nadia nods, and I pull her into a hug, rubbing her back, the pain in my chest finally subsiding.

"I can't change the past Thandie, but I can make up for it with the present," she whispers.

I smile, holding her tighter. "The past is just that, Nadia...it's the past, and we don't have to look back on it."

And this time, I can finally say I'm being honest.