~Mirrors are more than a fixture on a wall made of breakable glass and pretty frames. They are a portal to someone's soul, reflecting all of their deeply hidden fears, dreams, and desires🪞~
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TARAJI
Fantasia invited me into her home to wait for Sarai's arrival, and to say that I was extremely uncomfortable was an understatement. In what world would anybody be comfortable in my situation? The tension and awkwardness between us was palpable. She politely offered me something to eat or drink, but I was afraid that I would throw up anything I took down because of how nervous and scared I was. I sat on the edge of the living room couch, feeling like I was sitting on pins and needles. What do I say to her? What do I say to a woman who I almost had sex with after fucking her wife and getting into a fight with her? Being in prison was way easier than this. Fantasia was across the room, in the kitchen, leaning against the island as she sipped from a bottle of water. I pretended to be overly interested in the succulent on the glass coffee table to avoid looking at her. After awhile I couldn't take the silence, and I felt like I just had to break it.
Taraji: Do you remember Sarai's first words?
Fantasia: Yes. Her first words were "Love Fantasy". She was trying to say that she loves me, but Fantasia was too hard for her to say
Taraji: How old was she?
Fantasia: She was 11 months old, 9 when she started walking.
Taraji: I can't imagine how proud you were. I should have been there.
I looked down in shame, wringing my hands together as tears came to my eyes. I hate crying. I wonder if Sarai is the same way. I would know if I wouldn't have had her in prison and I was able to keep her.
Taraji: I'm so jealous of you. You got to hear her first words and watch her take her first steps while I was forced to dream about it from my jail cell. You had the talk with her about sex and her period. You sent her off to homecoming dances and proms. You've probably never missed a single one of her tennis matches. I had all of that taken from me. I'm not saying that it's your fault, but it would be so easy to hate you. I really want to, but I have to be grateful to you for giving my daughter the home that I couldn't, giving her the love that I couldn't. She deserved you and you deserved her. I didn't deserve her.
I was shocking myself with how vulnerable and candid I was being with her. She could use any of this information to hurt me, and I'm just giving it away to her. I was so lost in my head, thinking about all of the things I wanted to say, that I didn't notice Fantasia had crept out of the kitchen and came to join me on the couch. She looked like she wanted to touch me in some kind of way to comfort me, but she wasn't sure if it was appropriate. With the way my mind was scrambled, I probably would have punched her if she tried to touch me. I don't like it when people try to comfort me. It makes me look like I need to be comforted, like I'm weak. I never want to give someone so much power over me that they can control whether I laugh or cry.
Fantasia: You can't change the past. You'll never get those years with Sarai back, but you still have so many years with her left. She still has a lot to learn about life, and she needs her mother to teach her. Her real mother. She's not done growing. She's about to be 16, and she's entering the most formative years of her life. She needs you now more than ever.
Taraji: What advice could I give to her? What kind of lessons could she learn from me except for how to screw her life up and destroy everything she touches? That's the only thing I've done. I'm not a good person. I don't want her to learn from me. Coming here was a mistake. I should go before Sarai sees me.
I raced for the door, but Fantasia beat me to it, putting her back against it and blocking me from leaving in the process. I sighed, closing my eyes and massaging my throbbing temples. I'm trying so badly not to hurt this woman. She's been hurt enough already. I don't want to pour salt in her wounds, but I'll be left with no choice if she holds me hostage in her house like this.
Taraji: Fantasia, move.
Fantasia: I'm not letting you leave. Sarai has waited too long for this moment, just for you to ruin it. She's the one who gets to decide if she needs you or not. Give her a chance. Give yourself a chance.
Taraji: I let you win that fight earlier because you need an outlet for your pain. But if you don't move out of my way, it won't be that easy this time. I will really hurt you.
Fantasia: You fucked my wife when you knew that she was married to me. You can't hurt me any more than you already have, so go ahead and do your worst. You'll just end up right back in prison.
Taraji:*scoffs* Really? You would call the cops on me? Why do you want Sarai to meet me so badly? What are you gaining from all of this?
Fantasia: I don't have to gain anything. Sarai's happiness is more than enough. You put on a hard act like you're so tough, but I see right through all of that bullshit. You're scared. You're scared that you're not good enough for her. Even worse, you're scared that you're not good enough for yourself. That's why you won't even give yourself the chance to be better, because you don't think that it's possible. You count yourself out because you think that others are going to do the same thing. You're a broken little girl inside of a grown woman's body.
Taraji: Well, they don't have therapy in prison so I don't know what you want me to do.
Fantasia: You're not in prison anymore, Taraji.
My tears came back with a vengeance, and I wanted to fuck her up for hitting me with the hard truth. I was shaking with anger and I had no way to release it without doing something that would get me arrested. This anger inside of me is so consuming that I'm not sure if I know how to feel anything else. I've survived a lot of things that should have killed me, and all I have time show for it is battle scars and emotional wounds. Where's my reward? Where's my sun after the rain? It feels like it's still raining.
Taraji: My mind is a prison. It's not like I can escape myself. My thoughts are locked up, too destructive to be freed. The only thing I can give to Sarai is a broken heart. Please let me go, Fantasia. Please. I'm begging you. Just let me walk out of here, and you'll never see me again. Sarai will never have to know that I-
I was cut off by the sound of a car engine, followed by a door closing. I ran to the nearest window and looked out of it to see Sarai walking up the driveway. My only choice now is to face her and hope that she doesn't hate me as much as I hate myself for missing out on her life.
