Reflections||Tarasia

23.

TARAJI

My eyebrows crinkled and scrunched as I tilted my head at my reflection in the mirror, trying to decide if the outfit I put together was appropriate for a job interview. A lot changes in 20 years. That's two decades of fashion trends that I've missed. My everyday attire for a long time were blue jumpsuits. What do women wear to job interviews nowadays? I decided to FaceTime Sarai so that she could help me out and give me her expert opinion. She's a stylish little diva, and as much as I wish I could take credit for her impeccable sense of fashion, it had nothing to do with me. When she answered, the background showed that she was in what I could only assume was Fantasia's bedroom. I bit my lip as the feeling of anxiety flooded my body, hoping that she wouldn't make an appearance while I was still on the phone. I don't like the way our last encounter ended. I understand why she kicked me out of her house, but I wanted to be there to comfort her, and it just felt like she was rejecting me as if I wasn't good enough to do something good for someone else. If space is what she wants then I'll give her that for as long as she needs it, but I won't be disrespected or walked all over. She can hate me all she wants. It's crazy how hatred and attraction feel the same with her.

Sarai: Hey, Taraji! What's up? Are you still taking me shopping today?

Taraji: Yeah, but I have a job interview. Is my outfit ok? I need your help, Rai.

Sarai: It's giving office siren.

Taraji: What the hell does that mean?

Sarai: It's like you work a boring desk job during the day and do OnlyFans at night.

Taraji: I have no idea what you're talking about. What the hell is OnlyFans?

Sarai: You look too young to act this old. When we hang out today I'm gonna get you caught up on the times. Think of me as your human Urban dictionary, because you need it.

Taraji: You still haven't told me if I look good enough.

Sarai: You look beautiful. My momma is fine, I know that's right!

I laughed, sticking my tongue out and twerking a little, making Sarai laugh right along with me. I turned to the mirror again, trying to convince myself that what Sarai said was true. I want to look more office than siren, but a little sex appeal never hurts, only helps.

Taraji: Thank you, Rai. I feel a lot less nervous now. What are you up to right now?

Sarai: Nothing. I'm waiting for my mom to get out of the shower so we can go get breakfast together. I slept in her bed last night and watched some movies with her. She seems to be feeling better, but I can tell that she's still sad. I guess she's trying to put on a happy face for me, but she doesn't need to do that.

Taraji: She probably feels like she has to. Just keep doing what you're doing and making her happy. She deserves it. Will she be ok with me coming to get you?

Sarai: Why don't you ask her yourself? She just walked out of the bathroom.

I could've sworn I physically felt my heart drop out of my chest to the pit of my stomach as Sarai handed her phone to Fantasia. As expected, she didn't look too thrilled to see me. Her eyes were puffy and I could tell that she spent a lot of time crying throughout the night. My heart aches for her, but what about my pain? I've been made to feel like less of a woman and more of a sexual object, and nobody cares. Although, quiet as it's kept, I would gladly allow Fantasia to objectify me. If only she respected me. I feel like she looks down on me and that's why she pushed me away last night. With Sarai's birthday getting closer and closer, I hope that we can put all of that behind us and celebrate the wonderful young woman that we both created. I created her in the biological sense, but Fantasia created her characteristics. In another life, maybe we would be a happy little family under one roof, but I'm not into wishful thinking. It only leads to disappointment and shattered dreams in the end.

Fantasia: Hi, Taraji.

Her tone was soft and serene, like she had an epiphany overnight and decided that she no longer hated my guts. A good cry can provide a lot of clarity. I haven't cried in years, but I know that it felt really good and liberating the last time I cried. Maybe that's how she feels now.

Taraji: Hi. How are you feeling? Last night was a lot. The healing process is a long process.

Fantasia: I'm ok, just still kinda processing everything. Sarai told me last night that you want to come get her and take her shopping for her birthday. That's ok with me. Um I was wondering if I could come. I don't really have anything to do today and being in this house alone is just too painful for me right now. It would be too quiet and it would force me to think about things that I don't want to think about. But I understand if you don't want me around after I was so mean to you last night.

Taraji: You can come, Fantasia. I'm sure Sarai would love to spend time with the both of us at the same time. You don't have to beat yourself up about last night because I've already forgiven you.

Fantasia: Good, because I don't like to see pretty women upset. You look very pretty. See you later, Raj.

I smiled sheepishly, surprised by the changing dynamic between us. The camera shifted as she handed the phone back to Sarai and the blush on my cheeks deepened when I realized that she had only been wearing a towel while she was talking to me. If God really loved me, He would make a gust of wind blow her towel right off. I don't know where my emotions lie with Fantasia. There's this animosity and resentment between us, but I just know that we would be so fiery and powerful together if we gave each other the chance. If we were to try to make something work between us, would it fail because of the way everything happened? I don't even know why I'm thinking about this right now when I'm about to have a job interview with my married ex who I slept with. If he gives me the job, I won't mix business with pleasure like I did with Kennedy. I'm on a personal journey of rebranding myself. I can't be a new woman while still holding on to my old ways.