Reflections||Tarasia

16.

TARAJI

There were too many thoughts going through my head at one time as I sat in the passenger seat of Fantasia's Porsche. She's driving me to her house to fuck me after her wife just had her way with me in her place of work and she caught us. My daughter lives in that house, and her adoptive mother has plans of fucking her birth mother in the house she lives in. None of this feels real, and it sounds even more unbelievable when I think about it out loud. These women are passing me around like a blunt just to hurt each other and I'm allowing them to. If Sarai finds out that I broke up the only mothers she has ever known, she won't want anything to do with me at all. Someone has to be the voice of reason in this crazy situation. I need to focus on somehow getting a new job so that I can make enough money to get Dani out of jail, and I need to focus on meeting my daughter and building a healthy, active relationship with her. Anything else is a distraction. Just like I cut Tyrese out of my life after sleeping with him, I need to cut Fantasia and Kennedy out of my life. They're playing a game with each other because they're not happy in their marriage, and I refuse to be a pawn.

As Fantasia pulled up into the driveway of her home, I was hit with a devastating wave of emotions that I couldn't describe or explain. It was overwhelming as hell and I just wanted to break something, but I couldn't do that in such an expensive car, so I did the only thing I felt like I could do to release some of my frustration. I cried. And I cried hard. I don't know what the hell I'm doing with my life. I didn't leave one hell hole just to find myself in another one. I feel like I'm being devalued and degraded, and neither Fantasia nor Kennedy cares how I feel just as long as they get what they want. I'm supposed to be making better choices, yet here I am in this car with a married woman, and I was about to allow her to take me into her house where my daughter sleeps and use my body as a weapon against her cheating wife. Tyler Perry couldn't write a movie as outrageous as the horror movie that is my life currently. Fantasia stared over at me in concern, trying to reach out and stroke my hair out of my face so that she could see me, but I jerked away from her touch.

Fantasia: Why are you crying, Taraji?

Taraji: I don't wanna do this anymore. Just take me back to my car. Please, I have to be alone.

Fantasia: I don't understand what the problem is. Isn't this what you wanted? You gave me your consent.

Taraji: And now I'm taking it back. I can't do this.

Fantasia: But you had no problem when it was Kennedy.

Taraji: That's because Kennedy isn't a good person. I know shitty people because I'm a shitty person. I'm a low-down dirty bitch, so I know low-down dirty bitches. I know that you used to love her, but she's not a good person. But you, Fantasia, you're a good person. Don't allow her darkness to kill your light. Underneath all this anger and vindictiveness, I can tell that you're a good person. You don't want to do this. You may want me, but you don't want me like this. You're only going to hurt yourself and Sarai. I've ruined enough good people. I don't want to ruin you. So the best thing for you to do is just turn around and take me back to my car.

I wiped my tears away, deciding that I had been soft and weak for long enough. If the bitches back in NorthPoint Federal saw me like this, they would have a field day with me. I could tell by the pained look on Fantasia's face and the lost look in her eyes that she was really taking in what I had to say, and my words were hitting her like a ton of bricks. Tears welled up in her eyes and began to fall. I'm not really good with comforting people and being affectionate, so I just sat there until I figured out that I should probably do something like rub her back. However, that felt weird so I dropped my hand and stopped doing it.

Fantasia: I'm sorry for how I treated you. I'm sorry for all those names I called you. No woman should ever be treated like that, especially not by another woman. Men do it enough without us doing it to each other.

Taraji: It's ok. If I were you, I would have done way worse. I deserve it. I knew that Kennedy was married. I deserve way worse, actually. I just can't stop messing up and hurting other people. All of this is my fault. My own parents want nothing to do with me because of all the problems I come with, and I'm sitting here thinking that I'm really going to be someone's momma. God, I hate myself.

I turned and looked out of the window, getting angrier with myself as a fresh batch of tears filled my eyes to the brim. I don't deserve to cry. Fantasia should be the only one dropping tears. All of this is happening because of me. Not only is a home broken, but a living, breathing woman is broken because of me. After a while of crying together silently and reveling in our pain, Fantasia finally spoke. Her voice was even more whispery and raspy than normal.

Fantasia: If you still want me to, I can take you back to your car. Or you can stick around. Sarai will be getting out of tennis practice soon if you want to wait for her.

Taraji: Are you saying that you'll allow me to meet her right here, right now?

Fantasia: She's your daughter. Who am I to deny you of your flesh and blood? We've both done a lot of wrong, but we can do right by Sarai.

Even with dried tear stains on my cheeks , I couldn't stop my smile that spread from ear to ear across my face. This is the moment that I've been praying to come for 32 years. I never imagined it happening like this, but the important thing is that it's happening. I've been a prisoner for most of my life. Now it's time for me to be a mother.