A slow fall

Chapter 5 - Caleb

It's easy to keep a facade up in front of others. But when I'm at home, when I'm in my own room and free of prying eyes, I can let the mask recced.

After speaking to Lucas, I was left in a deafening silence. It was only me and my thoughts, something I had no desire to entertain. I wished he didn't have to hang up, though I knew it was inevitable. I could hear my parents moving about downstairs, but I knew they wouldn't seek me out for the rest of the day. 

I catch my reflection in the bathroom mirror as I prepare for a shower. My face is the same as everyone else sees, but the light that used to shine in my eyes, my happiness and innocence, has long since left. My face looks dull, almost lifeless, in the solace of the bathroom. The low lighting casting gaunt shadows on my face.

I don't eat much. I know that, my stomach too. Though my parents believe the evil that lives inside of me is more likely to leave an inhabitable host. Consequences of those beliefs - my health - be dammed.

At what point will they realise there is no way to remove the evil within me?

I've tried to be with a woman. It was one of the lowest nights I've had. If I could change time I would tell my younger self to leave the party. To not follow the girl as she led me to the bedroom. To not do what I my parents believed I should do, was was right and natural.

It wasn't even that long ago. My mind hasn't grown that much since, but I knew with certainty after that night that no willpower, no prompting from my parents through harsh words and forceful actions, could change the fact that I didn't want to be with a woman.

I've been with men, more so as a way to prove to myself that this is what I wanted; though I didn't really want that either. I never fully enjoyed it. Maybe deep down seeking sexual encounters that I didn't desire was my way of trying to deter myself. I could associate these negative experiences with men. If I'd never experienced enjoyment or pleasure when laying with a man, only pain and unpleasant thoughts, then surly my parents were right and being with a man was unnatural. Wrong. 

I suppose that was why I slept with people I knew I shouldn't. People that didn't treat me well, that were too rough, that caused me pain, that only sated a need within me but offered nothing more. Because being with a man was wrong, it wasn't meant to happen, so it should hurt. I should hurt. 

It was a vicious cycle and in the end all it brought me was shame.

Shame that I'd slept with a man. Shame about the things we had done, the things I had done. Shame about my desires. Shame about giving my body away. Shame about doing it all while disliking it at the same time.

When I thought about it I felt like crying, like screaming and shouting to the world about all the pain and self-hatred I felt. But my voice was long gone, my tears dry and my pain all encompassing. It was eating me from the inside out and soon there would be nothing left. 

Something was very wrong with me. I knew that. There were many signs. Yet, I didn't seek help.

When I was younger I had asked. My mind was not a place I wanted to live in anymore. Every day it was getting harder to get up, to leave my room, my bed. There was a war raging in my head and I was losing the battle.

"It's my cross to bear", words that I have heard many times before. 

When I sought the help I so desperately needed those were the words that escape my mother's lips. I didn't receive comfort, reassurance, or support. I was told that God had a plan and if this is what he bestowed upon me I had to face it myself, to show him I was worthy of his love.