A slow fall

Chapter 16 - Caleb

I ended up spending the whole day with Lucas. We did nothing fancy, but it was better that way; just me and him, messing around, watching films, and listening to music.

He made me feel at ease. He'd listen as I talked continuously about any and everything, he laughed at my stupid jokes, and he didn't mind answering the random questions I threw his way. No matter how close Marcus, Shane and I were, being with Lucas felt different.

When the sunlight colouring the room in melted into a golden hue, adopting pink and orange tone as the day said its goodbye, I knew it was my time to leave. Lucas offered to drive me home, happily passing me his phone once we were buckled in. He shot me a nervous glance before we head off, letting me know that he'd finished making his playlist for me and I eagerly began playing it.

"You might not like all of them, but-"

"You do, so I'll listen." Sharing music felt much more of an intimate gesture than it was. He was showing me a part of himself, and I'd cherish that regardless. Songs that would forever remind me of Lucas definitely wasn't a bad thing. "I will be listening to this for the rest of the week, just so you know." I said once we pulled up outside my house and paused the music.

Lucas was silent for a moment, and I watched as he fidgeted behind the driver's seat, "I hope you do like it then." I smiled when he looked at me, his sheepish expression endearing.

"Thanks for today and letting me stay over last night. I'll see you soon?"

"'Course. I'll message you later." I nodded far too quickly.

"Get home safe."

I hesitated getting out of the car, not wanting to leave Lucas quite yet. We both smiled at each other for a moment and I wondered what he could see in my eyes, what my face told him about my life beyond those doors and how much better it was in this car. With him. 

The clicking of my seat belt shattered the silence and the opening of the door popped our bubble. The real world quickly flooded in and reality settled heavily on my shoulders. 

"Bye Lu." He shouted his own farewell in response.

The air was cold now, the late night and fading summer heat chilling my bones, alongside the lights on in the front room. My feet faltered, though I knew interacting with my parents was inevitable, and I forced myself to walk in the direction of the front door. I could hear Lucas' car still idling beside the curb as he waited for me to enter my house safely, so as much as I wanted to avoid entering, I put my key in the lock, swung the door open and stepped inside.

Murmuring floated into the hallway from the television and I debated just heading upstairs to avoid seeing my parents, but I knew better.

"Hey, I'm back." I said, taking my shoes of and placing them beside the door. My parents sat beside each other on the sofa, close enough to signify they were here together voluntarily, but far enough apart that they remind firmly in the PG category.

Public displays of affection weren't something they did. They didn't feel the need to be 'overly' affectionate with each other - even something as simple as a kiss was often taboo. Sometimes it made me question how in love they actually were.

"What have you been up to?" My dad voiced as I perched on the edge of the sofa. I was torn between remaining standing to show that I wanted this conversation to be short, but also sitting so I didn't look rude. Perching felt like the best in between; not too comfortable and settled, yet not too looming and awkward.

"Oh, we just watched some films and chilled."

"Do you really think that's the best way to spend your time?" My father's eyes stared me down, crucifying me where I sat.

Choosing not to argue with him, I replied, "I'll be more productive tomorrow."

"Good. You should be studying, reading, improving your intellect so you succeed in life." I hated how much strength was in his tone, how wholeheartedly he believes this to be the only truth, my only truth. When he spoke the lines between what was right and what was wrong so often blurred. I was never sure how much I should trust what he says.

Receiving contradicting information your whole life is confusing. Who do you listen to when your parents are telling you something different than your siblings? When your pastors' words contradicting those of your teachers? Am I turning my back on them, on religion, by questioning them?

I'm not sure I know anything, and I don't think I ever will. My mind is in chaos, and all I can do is wait, hoping it'll one day pass.

"We only want what's best for you." My mother chimed in. "You really need to work on yourself, but we're proud of you. You're doing so well now."

"I wouldn't say that, Margret." They exchanged a look before she finally nodded and turned back to me.

"We do still need to have a check-up, don't you think? Just a precautionary thing, because we know you're better now, aren't you?"

Her sickly-sweet smile and babying tone made me feel nauseous, but I nodded, nonetheless. I didn't know what I was, but better was definably not it.

"Good. We'll get in touch with the pastor then."

I felt numb as I walked up the stairs, my mind was moving too fast, yet too slow at the same time. It was like my body had shut down.

I managed to make it to my room and collapsed on the bed upon contact. I lay like that for a while, simply staring at the ceiling, before a ringing cut through the silence.

"Caleb, where have you been?" Marcus said.

When I woke up I texted the group chat – a larger one we had that included both Aaliyah and Sara who had gone out with us last night, and a few others who couldn't make it – letting them know I was alive and well.

The only person I expected to receive a response from so early in the morning was Aaliyah and she didn't disappoint. I was quickly reassured that everyone was fine and then chose to neglect my phone for the rest of the day.

"I stayed with Lucas, remember?"

"Well, no, I didn't remember 'casue I was pretty drunk last night, but I did see your text. I didn't realise you were going to spend the whole day with him. Hope you didn't do anything I wouldn't do."

"A guy?"

"Well," Mark sputter in between laughter, "not exactly what I meant."

I give Marcus a brief rundown of my day with Lucas and the lack of anything more than friendly activities, or "juicy stories" received a disappointed, "Boo. I haven't spoken to Shane yet so I'm gonna patch him in, maybe he has something more fun to tell me."

"I don't think I want to hear about his sexcapades. Heterosexual sex, ew."

"Tough luck."