A slow fall

Chapter 18 - Caleb

My parents had taken away my phone but let me keep my computer for educational purposes. Their lack of technological understanding meant they didn't realise a computer could also be used for communication.

It didn't matter much though. The thought of doing anything, talking to people especially, was too much for me.

I went to school today and that was a feat itself. I had no choice, but it was obvious that while I was physically present my mind wasn't.

My dad had come to put cream on my burns sometime late afternoon. By that point I'd come to after my attack, my body had stopped trembling and my breathing had evened out slightly, but I was still disoriented and frightened.

I hated the dark.

The glimpse of light that entered when my father opened the door didn't help. It only made it worse when the door closed again. I never managed to sleep and when morning came my parents smiled as if nothing was amiss and I felt numb.

My friends could tell something was wrong. I didn't talk throughout the day - it was too much effort. I barely had the energy to stand up and walk between classes. They quickly picked up on it and stopped asked me questions. I switched off completely after that, moving through the motions on autopilot until I got home and holed myself up in my room.

The curtains were drawn and the comfort of my bed sought. I could feel my homework burning a hole in my bag and it kept me on edge. I knew when my dad came home he would say something, but I couldn't find the will to get up and do it.

My mum came into my room first.

"What's wrong sweetie?" She asked as she sat beside me on the bed. Her hand founds its way to my hair, stroking it gently and I didn't have the strength to pull away from the unwanted touch.

I didn't respond, so she did it for me. "This is a good thing. God's testing you sweetheart, that means he hasn't turned his back on you. It will all be okay soon."

She stayed with me for a while after that, her words painful and her presence unwanted. They cut deep into my body, joining the multitude of wounds already there, and I found myself slipping further into the abyss.

"You're doing this again?" My father's voice was angry when he entered my room. He opened my curtains allowing me to see the look of disgust on his face. "Have you done your homework?"

My silence was response enough and that wasn't what he wanted. He threw the covers off me before grabbing my arm and pulling me up.

My body felt heavy and I wasn't in control of it; it moved where he wanted it to. I was simply a puppet and he had always been the master pulling my strings.

School bag in hand, I was marched downstairs and sat at the kitchen counter. My mum was making dinner so they both watched as I worked through the homework I needed to complete.

It took longer than it normally would, my brain felt sluggish and my hands were moving too slow. By the time I was finished dinner was ready.

"No dinner for you." My dad announced as they began plating up the spaghetti.

My mum shot me a glance and for a minute I thought she was going to object. The last meal I had ate was breakfast yesterday - I wasn't allowed to be fed when I was in the room - though I had no appetite anyway so it didn't matter.

"You need to learn Caleb. You can't be acting like this. You need to prove to God you're worthy."

I felt like biting back that if I could take the tablets I was prescribed then maybe I could function better. How could my father, a doctor, not view a mental health condition as a real thing? Did he tell his patients this as well or just me? Was it because he believed, like my mother, that this was my penance for the sins I had committed?

I didn't say anything. Instead I let them continue berating me; telling me how pathetic I was and how I needed to overcome this obstacle to prove to God my worth. It was my punishment for sinning after all. I deserved it.

Eventually I took my leave, closed my curtains once more and hid in my bed. My covers were pulled over my head and I tried to block out the world.

A ringing noise came through my computer and panic forced me out of my bed. I wasn't sure who it was, but if my parents had my phone within reach I didn't want to run the risk of them answering it. It was on silent, but if it was close enough they could hear the sound of the vibrations, maybe even see the screen light up.

When I saw Lucas' name I was glad I'd answered the call first. I took my computer over to my bed and set it on the pillow beside me as I curled up under the covers once more.

"Hey Cae." His voice was happy, but I could bring myself to respond in the same way. "Is everything okay?"

The genuine concern almost made me feel something. For once I didn't hate the idea of being comforted by someone when I was in this state.

"It's fine." I said after a pause. My voice was hoarse from the lack of use and it shook slightly, the lie behind the words evident if you looked hard enough.

"Can I do anything to help?" Could he? I didn't want to talk about it, I didn't want to talk at all, but I didn't want him to go.

"Can you just talk to me?"

He didn't question my request, instead going into a story about his day. I didn't really listen, I just let his voice comfort me, eventually finding my thoughts drift away for the events of the past two days.

Sometimes I would tune into what he was saying, but the lack of context made it hard for my sluggish brain to comprehend. The randomness of his stories added to that.

"- and then he crouched on the floor, put his hands into a triangle above his head and pretended he was a gnome. Rosa then -"

After a while he quieted down and I was left with only his breathing as a reminder that he was still there.

"You know I'm always here if you want to talk, or if you want to listen to me chat a bunch of nonsense, or just sit in silence. Anything you want, just ask and I'm there." His voice was quiet, but the words powerful.

"Thank you." I managed to say.

"You don't need to thank me. I-," he paused, "I care about you Caleb. I know you have other people, but I just wanted to make sure you know you have me top."

"I know."

"Good, that's good."

Sleep was slowly pulling me under and I felt my lips loosen slightly. The comfort Lucas offered me made me feel lighter and talking like less of a chore. "You're gonna regret saying this when I start pestering you."

"I look forward to it."

"Thanks for talking to me."

"What did I say about saying thank you?"

"Not to?"

"Exactly." I was quiet for a while again, my eyes had begun to feel heavy. I knew it wasn't late, but I needed the sleep.

"You should go to sleep." Lucas' said, his voice still soft and quiet.

"I don't want you to go."

"I'll stay until you're asleep, okay?"

"Okay." I mumbled and at some point I drifted off to sleep. When I woke up in the early hours of the morning the call was still going. Lucas' even breaths could be heard through my speaker and I reluctantly ended the call before attempting to fall back asleep.

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A/N:

I clearly have no update schedule, oops. Anyhoo I hope you enjoy!