𝐇𝐀𝐓𝐄 𝐓𝐎 𝐁𝐄 𝐋𝐀𝐌𝐄 ; spencer reid ²

1.5

❝God, how I ricochet between certainties and doubts.❞

SYLVIA PLATH

✩

1.5 : sleep

OR

season 6, episode 20 : hanley waters

"WHY ARE WE DOING THIS AGAIN?" Fin wraps her hands around her mug, curling her legs underneath her. Hotch's sofa is comfortable–probably too comfortable. She wonders how often he's slept on it, instead of going home.

 "The assessment's routine," Hotch replies quietly, resting his elbows on his knees.

"Is it routine for the unit chief to be the assessor?" Fin asks, and when Hotch's eyebrows narrow tellingly, she shakes her head. "Hotch, you should let a trained therapist do this."

"I'd rather it be me than someone unfamiliar."

"Someone who's not grieving," Fin corrects him. "It's unfair to you for us to give you all of our grief."

"I'm fine," Hotch says, and while this is clearly a lie, Fin knows there's no arguing with him. When he sets his mind to something, nothing, not even gravity, can sway him.

So she leans back into the couch and sips her tea. It's hot. It burns her tongue a little. "Fine. What would you like me to talk about?"

"How you're feeling," Hotch replies. "What you're feeling. How you're coping."

Fin takes a deep breath, steels herself, willing her voice to stay steady, her eyes to remain dry. "I'm okay. I'm figuring it out. Honestly, I'm used to grief. It's pretty familiar territory for me."

"That's not funny."

"I didn't mean it to be."

Hotch shifts slightly in his chair, waiting for Fin to continue. She appreciates that he doesn't have a notepad in his lap. "I mean, it hurts, but dwelling on it isn't going to change anything. We're stuck here regardless."

"So you're not thinking about her?"

"I didn't say that." Fin chuckles softly, bringing her mug up to her lips, blowing gently on her tea. "I think about her all the time. Every time the Clash comes on the radio, every time we get on the jet, every time I walk into this damn office and see her empty desk. I think about how she thought I was an intern the first time I walked in here, shopping for dresses in Atlanta, girls' night at JJ's, and every single time I knew something was wrong and I didn't say anything. I can't stop thinking about it.

"And honestly, I don't know who's worse off, because Spencer didn't see her from the time she left until the hospital, and he has no idea what he said to her last, and I got to hold her hand and watch the life drain out of her, and the last thing I said to her was 'I love you'. I'm pretty sure the last thing I said to my dad was that he needed to divorce my mom because she was beating us. So I'm getting better."