The Last Architects

Chapter Twenty-Seven.

It was love.

He'd fallen in love with the one person who could never return it, and I was becoming a horrible person for it. I couldn't just tell him his feelings weren't real, or that I didn't believe in them, because still, the stupidest part of me wanted to.

He had all the right to be upset with me. I was upset with myself. And just for Skyler. In the following week I hadn't once talked to either Heidi or Jane, I'd been short with my mother and never once even had a conversation with Skyler.

There was one point, the same night as his confession, where I called Heidi and she stayed with me at a hotel for the night. Which only made me feel worse for cutting contact afterwards.

I was starting to feel tired but with an inability to get any quality sleep, and I felt uglier with the amount of weight I'd lost in the process.

The only person I saw frequently was Cameron, which was growing to be something I truly hated. I liked it when he gave me hugs or told me what I wanted to hear. But in recent days, practically nothing he said registered.

I found it hard to even get myself out of bed in the mornings, and as I laid with my back turned to my teacher, I felt like I was growing nauseous of the guilt it was causing. He could have anyone, but he chose me. Something I was starting to acknowledge as a bad thing. And as I got up, I ignored the morning pleasantries and walked to the bathroom.

Head to toe, I stared at my body in the mirror. Hickeys, bruises, other marks, all crawling around till I wanted to cut them all off with a sharp blade. It was disgusting. And as I forced myself to look away, I took the scissors from his drawer, leaning against the sink with a soreness to stand. I didn't want to look like this.

And after the hour it took to feel anything other than slow, I stepped out into the now empty bedroom, looking around at the mess before buttoning one of his shirts around myself. "Cameron?" I called out of curiosity of where he'd gone, but at the sound of noise coming from the kitchen, I pulled on a pair of socks and walked out. "What're you up to?"

"Good morning- did?" He paused and I moved my arms around myself in insecurity as I walked over, "you cut your hair..." Cameron met me halfway, setting a box on the counter, "it looks cute."

I smiled at his gentle laugh, and as he ran a hand through it, I watched him closely. "Really? You think so? I don't usually cut my own hair... But I wanted something new..."

"You did well, is it your first time cutting your hair?" He gave a soft smile before leading me to the kitchen counter, and I took a seat as he slid over a glass of orange juice.

"Aw... You're so sweet. And yes, it is." I nodded, pressed the glass against my lips. I wanted to go to sleep. "I mean, I've had it cut, but doing it myself is the first time."

"That's impressive." Cameron sat across from me before moving the box out of the way and I tilted my head.

"What's that? Stuff for work?" I rested my cheek against my palm as I stared at the cardboard, nearly instantly getting reminded of Skyler and I's attempt to barricade our room.

"Oh, no. A gift from Vladimir. Since the stuff here is very expensive." He ran a joking finger under his nose and my eyes widened.

"Wait- are you serious? Let me see!" I gasped, taking the box. I'd never even seen drugs before, let alone in the house of someone I knew.

"Aha... careful." He chuckled as I opened the box, and I stared in shock at the bags of multicolored pills engraved with weird symbols. What?

"...I didn't know you did drugs? What even are these...?" I was too scared to touch them, or bring my face close, but I had no idea that the person I was sleeping with took them.

"It's for parties, I don't do them regularly." He sounded reassuring enough... "And it's ecstasy. It's a common party drug."

"Common... What do they do?" I leaned back, bringing my knees to my chest. Admittedly, it did make me extremely uncomfortable, but who would I tell...? He didn't make it sound like it was such a bad thing...

"It's like a euphoric trip." Cameron moved forward, glancing at me, "if you ever do it, avoid fentanyl. It's very common in college parties, I'm surprised you weren't offered any before."

"...If I ever do it? I don't go to parties like that... So of course I've never been offered it before..." Euphoric...? "So, it makes you happy?"

"Yes, and it can cause you to see odd little things, but it is known as the party drug since you feel very optimistic and happy." He nodded as he took out one of the bags and looked it over. "It was the first drug I took, back in college, though, careful not to take it too much. Not that I think you ever even want to take any, but it can cause depression if you use it too frequently."

I didn't need drugs for that. "...Could... could I maybe try it sometime? Maybe even just with you? I mean, don't you try all that crap at my age anyway?" What was I saying? That wasn't me. "If not, that's seriously fine!"

"Really?" He raised a brow, and I grew insecure of my question, "I mean, if you're curious it's always best to try it first in a place that's safe, so if you do, I am willing to watch you." He smiled and I leaned over to kiss his cheek.

"Only if you think it's a good idea. You know best about stuff like that... But maybe we could go out together?" I yawned against his neck, moving away to rub my eyes.

"We can go to a museum. It's nice there since the energy is serene. I'll only do this if you are fully comfortable with it."

"Yeah, I know... I really think I want to try it! I mean, what's the worst that could happen, I'm with you?" I raised a hand to run through his hair. "It's hallucinogenic, right?"

"Correct. You take one tablet first then a second when the high starts." Cameron set the bag down and looked me over, "are you completely sure? Perhaps tonight, when you can sleep it off if you don't feel comfortable?"

"Yeah, I think that's fine... do you think I shouldn't or something?"

"I just want to make sure you are sure. It is your first time doing drugs, correct?"

"Mhm, and I'm sure... Besides, I'll have you, right?" I looked up at the ceiling, knowing I was anything but sure. I Just wanted to get rid of this feeling.

"Correct. You will. Then whenever you want, thankfully, we have no classes today." Cameron slid the bag to me and I paused before taking it, "just tell me when you take them."

"Promise..." This was so stupid...