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Chapter 19

Daniel's POV:

It was one of those days. I think it's safe to say I have depression, based on my whole life story, but depression is weird. It can be the most amazing time, with the most amazing people, and I can still feel numb. And today was one of the days where nothing was going to make me feel remotely better.

It was a week after the weird snuggle-pile thing that I definitely didn't enjoy... or want to happen again...

Anyway, things had been decent. I had been less standoffish to the guys, and had accepted more affection, although I still wasn't fully sure about the whole dating thing. But then today happened. I could tell as soon as I woke up that today would not be fun for me, but I needed to fake it anyway.

It's not like I was going to have a suicide attempt out of nowhere... probably... but in any case, the guys didn't need to know about the dreaded rain cloud that was floating above my head today. I went down for breakfast, acting like I had when I first got here.

Normal.

Happy.

Completely ok.

I could tell that Damien and Charlie were a bit skeptical, but they didn't say anything, so I didn't say anything either. Since it was Saturday, I didn't need to do any lessons, so I walked to the rec. room and flopped onto the couch. I call it the rec. room because although it is technically a living room, there are also some games and things on the walls. I turned the TV on and picked the movie Hercules, because, let's be honest, he's hot as hell... or maybe hot as Hades is the better way of saying it. After about a minute, Jordan walked in to the room and flopped onto my chest.

This was another new thing. Since the cuddle pile, Jordan practically refused to not touch me at any given time. He would sit in my lap, hold my hand, cross our ankles, or lay on top of me. Not that I minded or anything, it was just not common for me to have affection shown like this. I watched the movie, my arms loosely around his waist as we lay in silence on the couch.

Jordan had clearly watched this movie a few times, judging by the way that he hummed all of the songs, bopping his head slightly against my chest. By 'Zero to Hero', he was wiggling his whole body to the music, making me laugh softly.

He looked up at me, blushing and smiling softly. "What?" He asked, resting his chin on my chest, "This movie has the best music!" I nodded and hummed softly in agreement. He relaxes once again and lays back onto my chest.

"Are you ok today?" I blink in slight shock at the question, thinking I had hidden my poor mindset relatively well.

"I was wondering the same thing." I jump in surprise at the deep voice, raising my head only to meet the eyes of Damien.

"I'm fine..." the two of them don't look convinced by my statement, blinking at me. "Ok... so maybe not 100% fine, but nowhere near kill myself stage or anything... like 80% fine!" Damien sighs slightly and gestures for Jordan to leave the room, which he tentatively does. Damien then grabs my arm and pulls me up with him, leading me to my room and having me sit on my bed.

"So, what's going on today?" I bite my lip slightly, considering whether or not to tell him. He briefly flicks his eyes down before blinking hard and making eye contact again. I look at my shoes, not feeling like making eye contact while I think.

"I don't know." He looks disbelieving. "Honestly! I just woke up feeling kind of blah today... that's all." He nods softly and sits next to me on the bed.

"How long has this happened? How often do you 'just feel blah' and when did it start happening?" I consider the question for a moment.

"It started when I was maybe nine. It was a couple months long the first time. Just a lot of feeling down. Then it faded in and out for a while. It was a constant thing after I turned maybe thirteen until about seven months ago, and since been every few months. It lasts maybe a few days to a week. I don't know how to make it better or worse other than just muscling through it." He blinks at me, seemingly considering my words.

"Would talking it out help at all?" I shake my head.

"Talking it out helps after nightmares and panic attacks, but these days of blah can't be talked out of. Especially since they don't always have a direct cause. I don't think that there's anyway to make it better to be honest." He sighs and nods.

"Is there anything that makes it worse?" My thoughts flash over the times my dad had tried to 'beat the depression' out of me. Or when my mother had screamed at me for being an 'abnormal piece of shit fag that should have died years ago', but I know, or at least very much hope, that Damien and the others wouldn't do anything related to that, so I simply shake my head.

"Nothing you would do." He nods, though melancholic curiosity flashes across his face, as if he knows that the cause will be bad but he wants to know anyway. He pats my back gently.

"Would being alone help at all?" I consider this, although the guys don't make me uncomfortable... all of them together could be overwhelming to me. I nod softly after I consider. "Ok. They might check on you sometimes, but I'll have your meals brought here, and try and hold down the fort for you... although Skye and Jordan may sneak in." I softly smile and nod, not honestly bothered by that concept. He smiles gently. "Well, I think I deserve a hug?" I chuckle again. He smiles softly and hugs me into his side. "Maybe you can take this time to consider our offer." He nips my ear making my eyes widen slightly in... surprise? Yeah let's go with that... before he stands and leaves the room.

I change into boxers and pajama pants and lay on my bed, closing my eyes and falling asleep.

***

I would like to dedicate this chapter to @cupcake_frosting99 for reminding me to write!

If I ever go a few weeks without writing feel free to straight up yell at me on my profile, I don't mind in the slightest. Sometimes I just forget to finish a chapter or publish it, and you guys aggressively reminding me might help.

Also, sometimes I feel like this book is not great, and having you guys ask me to write more definitely brings my motivation up. So don't feel bad about gently or aggressively reminding me to write a chapter, because I totally understand and don't mind at all!