The Mute And The Reader [#YourStoryIndia][#Wattys2015]

Nineteen

It has been two days since the kiss. I've not been to college for those two days. But it's not like I stay at home. I've decided. I've made a decision to get hold of myself at any cost. So I go out. Anywhere and everywhere I find the male gender. And I control myself. As much I can. I've not told Appa and I don't plan to. I cannot live like this anymore. I just can't. I want to feel a sense of calm around people. I want to close my eyes and feel the wind against my face without hearing a string of distressed thoughts. I want to kiss in peace. I want to love without fear. I want to live without fear. And the only way I can do that is by stopping myself. And the only way I can stop myself is by controlling myself.

So for the past two days I've been doing it. The headache has already started and it has only made me more determined. There has been no success so far, but the aspirin has kept me under control. If I want to live a happy life with Aryan, a happy life with anyone, I have to do this. Speaking of him, I've received more than a hundred messages in the past two days.

Are you ok?

Why didn't you attend college?

Anushka, I'm freaking out.

Should I visit you?

Please reply.

Can you at least reply so that I'm sure that you're fine?

Fine! Go to hell! I don't care!

Anushka, please.

You're not even taking my call!

What is wrong with you?

I read each and every message he sends but I haven't replied even once. Maybe I'm scared or hesitant or maybe it's the conventional ego issue. I'm dying to talk to him, to meet him. But I can't and I won't.

Four more days have gone by and my condition is comparable to a zombie. I've not had my dinner for the past three days because I crash straight into my bed after coming home from my mind-controlling sessions. The headache has only worsened and I've started with the second bottle of aspirin. Appa is worried but I don't talk to him. He probably thinks that I'm under some pressure in college. I don't think I've seen any progress when it comes to controlling myself but maybe that's because I don't try hard enough. So I only try harder with each passing day. Aryan regularly messages and calls but I keep ignoring it.

Sometimes I have very pleasant dreams. Dreams of me with Aryan, dreams of me kissing him without any regrets or fears. At times I dream of how my life would have turned out if I wasn't born this way. Sometimes I wonder if killing myself is the solution to my problem. I even tried doing it. Turns out you need a hell lot of courage to do that sort of a thing and I wasn't that brave.

It has been two weeks now and I'm borderline miserable. There are dark circles under my eyes and blood red has become the permanent color of my eyes. I usually stagger when I walk. The only thing that is right with me is that I'm able to think clearly but I don't think that is going to last for long. And in spite of all this shit that got created, nothing has changed. I'm still not able to control those voices. But I'm as stubborn as my brain. It belongs to me and I will bring that bastard under MY control!

One night, exactly a fortnight since I last saw Aryan, I'm walking home. I'm utterly exhausted and I might pass out anytime.

-That's her!

I immediately turn around on hearing that. I've become slightly alert.

Suddenly someone pulls me away from the main door of my house.

"What the-"

Before I can complete my sentence I feel a hand tightly covering my mouth. Only my muffled cries can be heard. But I recognize the person.