CALIFORNIA DREAMS

22.TWO HORRENDOUS WEEKS

BELLY
The plane ride home on sunday was long and silent. I couldnt sleep, i was so overcome with stress. The car ride back was also silent. Not the comfortable silence that radiates between conrad and i normally either. Monday i dreaded going to school, and it was the worst. I was exhausted, and i had to get my own coffee.

"Im so glad im home" i said excited, groaning after practice on monday. Conrad was knee deep in studying since finals is next week. He was stressed to the max. He glared at me, but didnt say anything.

"Youre gonna have to talk to me eventually you know" i told him.

"I know. It just wont be this week or next. I need all of my attention on school. I cant be stressed about anything else. Do me a favor, and stay out of my way this week. Ill deal with you, and everything else during winter break" conrad responded ice cold. He hasent been that cold since susannah was dying.

I ran upstaires crying to jeremiah. Taylor also hadent talked to him yet. I work on my study guides.

Tuesday i went to anika and beccas dorm to study after practice. "Dont take this the wrong way, but maybe you and conrad should take a break. Reassess your relationship. It just seems like youre fighting a lot. Thats all youve been doing really since you moved in with him" anika suggested.

I feel like, in a way, thats what he meant yesterday. He needs space. Hes so fucking hard to love when hes a moody, broody, asshole like this. I hate it when he gets like this.

"Maybe" i sigh out sadly.

On wednesday, conrad was having a panick attack on the floor, and it broke my heart. I didnt console him, and help him through like i would. He could hardly breathe, and resorted to the tricks he learned from therepy.

At night ive been having a lot of dreams again, and sleep walking due to the emotional turmoil. Ive been able to console myself for the most part. I know conrads still been checking on me though. Ill hear my door open, and feel his hand touch my cheek. Sometimes hell kiss my cheek, or forhead. Despite how angry he is, and how stressed, i know he still cares. That his feelings run deep, that despite how sad and lonely i feel, I know he still loves me.

Thursday i had early morning volleyball practice, since its the ncaa championship weekend. Its in la this year, were ranked number 8. Thursday was pretty much the same, with the exception of the coffee and breakfast fairy returning. He must be a tiny bit less mad then.

Friday, today, i got to skip classes since we had an early morning flight. I cried, because i didnt even say goodbye to conrad. He didnt drive me to the airport, or wish me good luck. He didnt get me flowers, or candy. Nothing, and im devastated. I miss him so much, it hurts. I wish he was coming this weekend. It pains me he isent. whats even worse, is him and jeremiah started talking last night. I couldnt tell what they were saying though.

It makes sense hed take anything i did to him the hardest. im the one he loves the most, so when i hurt him, It cuts him the deepest. Taylor and i have started talking again. She might be breaking up with jeremiah. Jeremiahs been acting like hes the victum, and has made it seem like to me, hes done everything to make it up to taylor.

Taylor told me hes lying. That jeremiahs been partying and flirting with a lot of girls. Thats why she called me, to see if i knew why. If it meant anything, or if it was him trying to get her attention by playing on her jealousy. I told her everything jeremiah told me. Now shes really pissed at jere. Im annoyed with him too. I wonder why he didnt tell me the truth?

"I hate what this stupid fucking fraternity has done to him. Its changing him, and not in a good way. You know hes friends keep telling him to cheat on me when im mad at him" taylor told me upset.