LOL, Bitch Thinks Im Good(On Hold)

Chapter Eleven: Soft Side

The discussion with Ryan was tiring. It also personal, bringing me memories back. The ones I've suppressed down to God knows where.

God.

I used to believe in God once. I think, as a child. The type where I always went to church to pray and ask God to bring daddy home safely.

Yes. I did believe than.

I was stupid too. I was young and stupid. God wasn't there to hear my pleads. I was alone, talking solely to myself.

When did I stop believing? Must have been when grannie died. Yeah, it must have been then. Death does something to your mind. It either puts you at ease, or screw you up big time.

I got the second option.

I walked further away, into the shadows of the church where only a tree and a big stone was. There the wall that surrounded the school changed into another type of stones. Lighter, new ones. The rest was dark. I must have walked into the oldest part of the school, if that was even possible. Every building at this damn place could belong to the late eighteen hundred.

“Idiot,” I whispered to myself and walked closer to the big stone that leaned so heavily against the brick wall. “He's such an idiot.”

I meant every word I said. God doesn't exist, I know that deep down. But he made me wonder.

If there was a God I'd surely end up in hell. But if it turned out to be that God doesn't exist, I may as well live as I've always done.

On my terms and mine only.

I started climbing up the stone all the while muttering about what an idiot Ryan is. So gullible. So naïve.

I sat down heavily, breathing deeply. The sun was at its highest, but hid behind the wall. It was that tall. I was surrounded by darkness and I liked it that way.

“This is such a sad image,” a sarcastic voice nearby croaked. It made me jump and glide further down the big stone, but I didn't fall off. I sat straight, not looking back.

“You, alone in total darkness. How pitiful.”

I recognized the voice and felt my cheeks getting warm. Not by embarrassment, but of anger.

“Shut up,” I cried. “Just go and torture someone else.”

I knew he didn't leave. I heard steps coming closer and not fading. He did the opposite of what I wanted to. As always.

The last time I saw him, he rejected me. I was surprised of myself, how back then I was so arrogant. But now, looking back, I realized I had change somehow.

What did I see in this guy?

“I like it when they are hard to get.” he continued the teasing and I heard him climb closer.

I didn't bother telling him to go. I knew he wouldn't. And I wasn't in the mood of talking. The discussion earlier had taken up so much of my emotional strength. I was tired, really tired.

He sat down next to me and looked up in a mystic way.

“You didn't talk back,” he chuckled. “You must be very upset.”

Tom tilted his head and looked at me. I was gazing off on the dark wall, not wanting any eye contact. Being so close to him made me pissed. I found myself on the verge of hating him.

“Your arm,” Tom grabbed my left wrist, forcing me to expand my arm. He pushed the sleeve away and revealed past secrets. “The hell?”

I was caught off guard. My heart began a race, beating so hard. I looked at my arm. He couldn't see them, could he? Impossible. Not in this dark.

His arm began to trace the lines.

He saw them. One way or another, he saw them.

“They are old,” he commented heavily with a sigh. “And deep.”

I jerked my arm back, holding it with my right one in a defensively way. I looked down at my shoes. Ashamed. Embarrassed.

“You don't believe in God because of the pain he caused you?” Tom continued and I felt his eyes pierce my skin. “'Why would God let innocent people get hurt so bad'.”

I didn't look up, but I recognized the words. They were the same ones I told Ryan.

“You're those innocent people, huh?” Tom said amused, but didn't laugh. “You prayed everyday, yet he didn't help you. Is that it?”

Again, the words was recognizable.

I didn't answer. I had no answer.

Tom breathed out. Hard. The tension was suffocating, but the silence was worst. I clutched to my left arm. This wasn't good. This was very bad. He would tease me, mock me. He would tell Ryan. He would tell everyone.

You're hanging around a suicidal cutter, Ryan.

I could already imagine it. The looks, the stares. Ryan not taking another glance at me ever again. Lyla rejecting me. Hating me.

It was like a dejavu. It was happening again. Besides Tom, a previous friend of mine told everyone about how I felt. What I did to my body.

I changed schools after that. The hate and all was too much for me to handle.

And it was all happening again because of this douche bag. How dare he?

Suddenly the impossible happened. The one thing I didn't ever thought he would do.

Tom leaned in and took my hand.

“God may not exist for you. Not the type you want. But those sufferings you have experienced, you have learned something from them, haven't you?”

I had.

“You're stronger. Better than before. You know how life is. You're not so naïve anymore. You've learned something. So, the pain you have had or still have brought you a little gift. You're wiser, Kayla. Maybe that's what's God wanted you to learn. To get stronger.”

I couldn't help asking; “Stronger? For what?”

Tom smiled, I may not have seen it, but I knew he was. I just knew.

“For greater pain. You'll handle them differently. You'll know how to cope, how to depend on yourself.”

Tom leaned away and dropped my hand, jumping down from the stone in a flash. He pushed his fists down his pockets and walked away casually .

I gazed off on his back head, his hair jumping up and down. He was disappearing, but he turned around just in time to wave goodbye.

I waved back.

And then I was alone again, in total darkness.

A/N:

Short chapter. You get to see a soft side of both Tom and Kayla. Hmmm, what'd ya think?