Falling (On Hold)

-Chapter 1-

It's another usual, typical day.

I sit by myself in the corner of the canteen, picking at my food. No one dares comes near me, no one can stand to breathe the same air as me. But I guess, I like it like this, I like it by myself. I hate coming into school, It brings back the memories that had once haunted me; the memories that woke me up every night, screaming. The memories I wish I could erase, I could wipe out, press delete and cause them to disappear. Everyday I can feel eyes boring into the back of my neck, following my every move, not once hesitating to find a fault within me. The endless stares I get walking down the hallways, ready to pounce on me, like a predator to it's prey. They will never cease to forget, ever. And they will make sure nor will I.

I came back to tell them all, to let them know, that I am not weak, even though deep down I know I am; deep down I know I am falling apart, though they will never know. I will never let them know. Showing someone you're weak is giving them a chance to mock you, to destroy you. Those who say crying isn't a weakness, lie. If you cry, you let down your barrier, your guard, your protection. And me, I can never let that happen, ever. But there is only so long I can keep this up. I just hope, that one day maybe all this will change, maybe I can be free again, maybe I won't fall and just maybe will I fly.

Brrrrrring. The bell rings, interrupting my never ending thoughts. I know it's time to move on, to let go but I just can't. I brush away these feelings and head to class, to my seat in the corner, where I can shrivel up and make myself as small as possible, unnoticeable.

I look at the time, waiting for this lesson to hurry up. Instead it just seems to slow down. I don't really like Maths, but Jordyn loved it and so I learnt to love it too, but since she isn't here anymore, it just brings back the memories, the memories I no longer want to be a part of. To me maths is just a load of random number who go looking for their ex's when instead they should just move on, and in the real world who really goes to buy 75 watermelons?! It's not realistic, it's pointless, a bunch of bull, I say.

As i'm zoning off, the door suddenly opens and I hear footsteps; either someone's walking in, or out. I really hope out but then again I really don't give a damn. I sense the class looking up and two people at the front in a deep conversation; The head I suppose, there would be no other reason for everyone to look all innocent and naïve. Suddenly all eyes look at me, I don't even have to look up and I know. I get out of my seat and walk towards the front before the head even has a chance to say my name. I know this can't be good and for once in my life, I feel very scared. The head looks at me with sympathy and guides me out the room, each step I take out I know i'm going to regret it. I'm going to regret my choices, my decisions but it's too late now, there's no going back, if only. As he tells me what he needs to, I can feel everything spinning, I can feel my vision blurring. I refuse to cry because I am not weak. Constantly repeating my I-Am-Not-Weak mantra in my head, my body slowly begins to break down, it stops responding and darkness engulfs me.

I can hear voices in the distance, whispering. I try and open my eyes to see where I am but I don't seem to have enough strength, I try and move my arms but I can't. The tranquillisers have taken over my body. I hate drugs, they remind me of my past. A past I try to rub away yet the marks are always there. It's like rubbing pen off paper, you can't. I eventually stop fighting my body and drift off to deep sleep relieving me of my pain.

My eyes flutter open just as someone walks in. The curtains are opened and I am blinded with light.

"Where am I?," I say to the figure who entered my room. She comes towards me and I can just make out it's a lady, a nurse perhaps?

"Dear, you're at the hospital. You seemed to have had a panic attack at school, I'd wait to ask the doctor for more information, I only just got here," She responds.