tayvis oneshots ★

help me hold on to you

tw - alluding to a suicide attempt

-

When Taylor was first discharged, Travis refused to leave her alone for the first week. Eventually though, Taylor had convinced him that watching him all cooped up was making her feel more guilty than cared for at this point. While it had felt slightly patronising to stand in the doorway refusing to leave until she promised to not hurt herself while he was gone, it alleviated his anxiety somewhat.

Travis held his phone in one hand the whole drive. Just in case.

He told Taylor he would do a grocery shop, but he sat in the parking lot staring at the entrance instead. He couldn't bring himself to get out of the car. Just in case.

He looked at the time and sighed. He gave in, and called Taylor. "Yes, Travis." "I'm fine." "I'm watching TV." "No, don't come back, you just left." "I promise." "Love you too." He hung up the phone and cried.

Pulling himself together, he turned on the car and forced himself to drive further out, away from the city and to the lake that he'd visited with Taylor once or twice. Shoving his phone in his pocket, he grabbed his jacket from the passenger seat and stepped out of the car.

Wind blew over the lake and the sky was grey and overcast. Travis walked along the perimeter of the lake, over to a bench. He reached it, and stood behind it, watching the calm of the lake and how the surrounding trees stood sturdy, the leaves and smaller branches swaying slightly. He turned and walked back to the car. His jacket was crumpled in his hands and he didn't know why he was cold.

-

Two months after, they had managed to slip back into what their life used to be. Taylor would usually come home from therapy smiling, and Travis didn't worry about leaving her alone anymore.

Taylor was standing before the mirror in the bathroom getting ready for bed and Travis sat on the closed toilet seat as they talked about the night. They often joked that debriefing was part of the night out routine for them.

"And that waiter..." Travis grinned, untying his shoelaces.

"Oh my god, when he sneezed on us! He was so pretentious the whole night, seriously made me want to kill myself," Taylor rolled her eyes.

Travis felt as if someone had poured ice water down his back. He caught her eye in the mirror and watched her as she realised what she said.

"Sorry," she murmured, quickly looking away from his reflection.

It was awkwardly silent for a moment, and Travis opened his mouth but was too unsettled to speak before Taylor started up again.

"Oh and did you notice that couple, the one a few tables away from us? They were, like, so obviously talking about us the whole time!" Taylor giggled. "Not to be all self-centred... but they couldn't take their eyes off us," she smirked. She was good at this - changing the subject so seamlessly to avoid something. But, by this point Travis had fallen for it one too many times to let it go unnoticed again.

"Taylor."

"Hm?" She replied, watching her fingers in the mirror as she struggled to take out her earrings.

He stood up as she faltered, wincing at the accidental tug on her ear. He pulled her towards him and hugged her. To disguise the shaking of her hands, she passed them around his waist and held them together behind him. She rested the side of her head on his chest.

"I'm not mad at you," Travis spoke into the top of her head. Over time, he had learnt that this was one of the things she was most worried about. He could feel her guilt almost immediately after she woke up in the hospital, and it hadn't gone anywhere yet.

Taylor sighed and nodded. "Okay," she whispered.

"Just..."

"I shouldn't have said that. I didn't mean to," Taylor said.

"I know, baby, I know. It's okay." Travis smoothed down her hair, raking through it to soothe not only her but him.

Taylor pulled away from him slightly, looking up at him with an uneasy smile.

Travis cupped her face with his palm, offering a steadier smile. "Let's just go to bed, yeah?"

"Yeah," Taylor nodded, lingering for a moment until she slipped away from him and took out her earrings. He watched her for a short while before going into the bedroom to get changed.

A few minutes later, Taylor emerged from the bathroom and crawled into bed with Travis, immediately shuffling right up next to him. He put his phone on charge and laid down, embracing her.

"You know what's strange?" Taylor asked, adjusting her head so she could look at him.

"What?"

"I think... The reason I said that was because I- and this is going to sound so stupid," she glanced down insecurely.

"Hey, it's fine," he whispered.

"I literally... forgot... that I, you know..." she trailed off and Travis just nodded. Neither of them liked naming it. "I completely forgot that happened. And I didn't realise until I saw your reaction. Isn't that weird?"

"Hm," Travis nodded, thinking. "Do you think that's good?"

"I mean... yeah?" she replied, hesitant. "I..." Taylor stopped herself and sighed. She looked at Travis through her eyelashes, seeking reassurance.

"You can say anything to me." A sentiment he had no problem repeating.

Taylor swallowed. "I used to think about it a lot. Before and after. Like... it was constantly on my mind. And if I didn't think about it, it would be because I'd be really busy with something else. But whenever I had time to think, it always came back to... that. Before, I was imagining it, you know? Sort of like..." Taylor paused, assessing Travis. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah," Travis said quickly, taking a shaky breath.

Taylor seemed not entirely convinced, but continued anyway. "Well, yeah. And then after, I mean, we both know the whole thing was pretty traumatising for both of us. And I never wanted to try again... but I was still, kind of fucked up. I don't really know what I'm saying," she closed her eyes and shook her head. "Point is, I never realised it because it happened so slowly, but I'm not like that anymore. It's crazy, you hear all that shit about 'it gets better,' but, it turns out it actually does," Taylor chuckled.

Travis' eyes welled up.

"Okay, seriously, are you good?" Taylor said, still lightheartedly but with a slight frown.

Travis smiled. "I'm just so proud of you. A month ago I would never have imagined you opening up that much to me."

Taylor's face softened and she propped herself up for a moment to reach over and kiss him. She returned back to the pillow and smiled, before nestling herself into him.

"You have no idea how happy it makes me to hear that. I love you so much."

Taylor hummed in return, growing sleepier by the second.