BETWEEN TAKES

III - IT'S A WRAP!

Several days passed before I could really speak to Amy again, who seemed to avoid me at every corner. Carlos had explained to me that she and Darren had had a fight after the filming day because of her assistance with the kissing scene. I hadn't helped the situation between them when Darren found out that I'd struggled to show the same passion and feelings when I'd had to shoot the scene again with Danielle. Greg and Alexandra couldn't understand how I wasn't able to use the same chemistry on set with my co-star. I knew exactly why, and so did Grant. Carlos, on the other hand, was doing his best to stay out of the way of the rumours and conversations on set, which tended to make their way to the studio next door where he, Darren and the rest of the team were finally wrapping up the final takes for the musical crossover episode. And with good reason, as Carlos had been too close to these two for too long. 

Amy's boyfriend finally left the set for good and I noticed that she was feeling more relaxed and open. Gradually, she began to rest her eyes on me again in the corridors and on the set. As a result, I eventually found my way back to normal, slept better, and continued to plunge myself into increasingly real dreams of her resting in my arms. I even ended up hoping to go to bed as soon as possible when I got home late at night so I could dive into one of them, where I was sure to find her and her captivating gaze begging me to kiss her again. I was crazy about her, I knew that now, and I hated myself for everything she made me feel as a taken man. I was walking through the door of the flat I was renting in Vancouver during the filming period, and I thought I was going to die of fright when I heard someone shout 'Surprise!' as I entered. Jade, with two suitcases at her feet, rushed towards me, hugging me as tightly as she could. She took my face in both hands and crushed my mouth with her kiss, while I was still in shock at her untimely arrival.

'You look surprised!' she said, smiling.

'For a surprise, yes, it's a surprise!' I retorted, mimicking her smile very badly. 'I wasn't expecting you until next week!'

'That's the idea of a surprise, Tom!'

I realised at that very moment that, despite the many weeks that had separated me from Jade, I wasn't at all happy to see her again. 

The first night she spent at the flat was a bit chaotic: she spent several minutes searching the flat for empty bottles or clues about me that would indicate I'd gone back to my old ways. She lectured me on the importance of hanging in there and not giving up, then planned a schedule of outings and activities for the two of us for the next two weeks. I let her do it, silent, unable to respond as I had been for the last few years. When she finally decided to go to bed, after watching a film on TV with me - I can't remember a moment of it, my thoughts too distant and confused to pay attention - she lay on top of me and kissed me. She stopped after a few minutes, noticing that I was not responding to her advances.

'What's the matter with you, Tom?'

'I'm... not in the mood...'

'But... it's been so long, could you maybe, I don't know... force yourself a bit?'

I didn't answer, just sat on the edge of the bed, my face in my hands, breathing in deeply. She positioned herself behind me and wrapped her arms around me, putting her hands under my shoulders, then on my chest, kissing the back of my neck. I winced quietly. I didn't want this, not now... She knew all too well what it would take for me to give myself over to her. In my head, it was torture, torn between the effect her hands were mechanically having on my body and the incessant images of Amy being in her place. I was no longer seeing Jade, but Amy, who had been haunting me every night for weeks. I could even smell her perfume. I was losing my mind, I was sure of it. She moved one of her hands down my stomach to my crotch. I tensed slightly, trying to remember that it wasn't Amy, but my head was wobbling between her and Jade.

'Come on, let yourself go...'

Jade's voice close to my ear gave me an electric shock. I opened my eyes and stood up quickly, pushing her back onto the bed.

'I told you I wasn't in the mood for this!'

I rarely said no to her, least of all when I was drunk, although it was always at her request, never mine.

Jade wanted to help and support me, I knew she did, as did my family, my mother, my brothers, but, as always, I felt my life slipping away from me, sailing towards something that wasn't me, reminding myself that I owed accounts to everyone, to the fans and to her, because I was this terrified boy who had let himself be embroiled in an adventure without really understanding the ins and outs, without being able to really say no. 

The next day, I realised that her presence started to bother me and I didn't want her to interfere at all with my filming or my daily life. Which she did, with verve. She questioned several people, cast and crew, about my work and offered her help regularly, praising her work as Stunt Coordinator on the Harry Potter films, not to mention the fact that she had played a very small part in them and was also one of the extras. Until, of course, she heard the rumours about Amy and me and that famous scene I'd shot with her. Without really understanding or knowing the consequences this could have on our relationship, Greg showed her several rushes of the scenes from the end of the season, and the one with Amy was one of them. That same evening, I paid the price.

'The party photos, the photos on the set, and now this scene with her! That tart is everywhere!

'Don't call her that!'

'Don't you dare defend her! What is she? A Harry Potter fan who follows you around?'

'She hasn't even seen the films, she didn't know who I was!' I retorted.

'Of course she didn't! And now you're going to tell me that that kiss was just purely professional?

'She was replacing Danielle, so of course it was professional!

I sat down on the sofa, clutching my head in my hands, exhausted from justifying myself for over an hour and hearing her come up with every cliché and classic jealousy argument. She did it every time, every shoot, I was subjected to the same drama, like something straight out of a Hollywood film, as if she absolutely had to show and demonstrate that she cared about me and our relationship. She looked ridiculous, and so did I, because I couldn't stop her and told her I couldn't take it any more after eight years. Our relationship had been floundering for too long already, it had to stop.

'And that rumour about you and her?' she began again. 'I saw how you kissed her, and the huge contrast with the kiss with Danielle! And the way you looked at her. Tom, I know there's something between you and her!'

'Nothing has happened between me and her, Jade," I said, angrily. 'Apart from that bloody on-screen kiss everyone's talking about...'

I stopped my sentence, sensing that something else wanted to come out, and that I had to, for once in eight years, be brave and finally tell her how I felt. I got up from the sofa, my fists clenched, my eyes determined, and faced her.

'...But that doesn't mean I wouldn't want it to happen.'

The expression on Jade's face changed dramatically. She hadn't expected me to be brave enough to tell her, so directly and honestly, how I felt about this girl. For eight years, at every moment of doubt about my relationship with her, at every moment of deep depression that plunged me into a state where I felt I was living a love story that didn't really belong to me, I had sunk into my passions, solitude and alcohol. I had made her suffer so many times, preferring solitude to her contact and help, rejecting any hold she might have had over me and my life. Where she had thought she could help me and take me towards better things and a better future, I had only felt a total loss of control over my life and what I wanted to do with it. On the contrary, Amy made me feel alive and wanted for who I really was. I didn't know where it was going to take me and whether I was going to lose everything in the process but, in that moment, it was the best thing I could do to stop myself from sinking deeper. I had to break up with Jade. All this need to be behind me.