Words That Used to Twist My Tongue

Everything

(VENT POEM, VIEWER DISCRETION IS ADVISED) 

You once asked me,

"What happened to you to make you so wise?"

I told you,

"Everything."

Because I did not have an answer.

I have an answer for you now.

Asking yourself

"Am I unloved, or was I born unlovable?"

While still so young

Broke my thought of self worth.

I just wanted to be loved.

I cut lines into my skin,

Trying to seal my bonds with blood,

Yet all it did was give them more opportunities

To tease, driving the knife in further.

Everything they said

 Only made me hate myself

More.

So I became someone I was not.

I began to pick myself apart,

Pleasing them anyway I could.

I stood tall.

I hunched.

I leaned.

I bent.

I broke.

I became a plaything,

Someone with a doll face,

I was an object.

I twisted my beliefs to match theirs,

Just as I had twisted myself.

I began to see someone i didn't recognize

While looking in the mirror.

That creature was not me.

But that creature was liked.

What does freedom mean to a creature who only knows the confines of a cage?

It means nothing,

Because free creatures are feared,

Not loved.

They are captured and taken,

Forced into this self loathing zoo.

I told you "Everything."

Because I could not explain

That everything

 Meant being touched

 And observed,

Yet ignored, 

And starved.

I could not explain

 That everything

Meant cornered and spat on,

I COULD NOT EXPLAIN

THAT EVERYTHING

MEANT I COULDN'T SCREAM

WHILE BEING DROWNED

I could not explain

 That everything meant

My body was for sale,

And not for expression.

I still cannot explain

Everything that everything

Means

But i can tell you,

Being forced to be someone's partner

Was strange

I can tell you, 

Having different beliefs

Got you killed.

I can tell you

Being strangled by silence

Because you would loose your friends if you expressed

Your true opinions and identity

Was strange.

I can tell you, Evacuating your home

Due to a fire,

Is strange.

I can tell you,

Being homeless,

Is strange.

I can tell you I am strange.

But I can tell you,

That I am no longer a caged creature,

Because the bars were simply others expectations

Why did I ever give them any meaning?

The answer to your question,

Is not complete,

Because it is still everything.

Everything simply has more definition now.