An Impossible Attraction

Chapter twenty one

Nathan was too shocked to speak. He opened his mouth but no words came out and he could only close it back up again. His heart was feeling like someone was squeezing it from the inside, not someone, like she was squeezing it from the inside. He closed his eyes to calm himself, to know if he could feel any better, even if it was a little bit.
Tracy would be a liar if she said she couldn’t see what he was going through, she felt bad having been the one that made him like that. But this was for the better, there was no way they could have something serious, not with their history or the many obstacles they have. “I’m sorry Nathan but I said that before anything started between us and you agreed.”
“Do you really have to do this?” he whispered, opening his eyes. His ocean blue eyes weren’t as bright as she had been seeing them for the past two days, and it hurts her seeing the redness in them.
She turned away from him, believing within herself that if she can’t see his pain, she won’t feel so bad. “Yes Nathan, we have to. We both knew this wasn’t going anywhere. And the only reason I even let it happen in the first place was because we were in Hawaii. No one knows us there, no one knows our history. But not here, not here every single soul knows us, knows every single damn thing about us. Didn’t you notice what happened back there?” she turned back to him, “I couldn’t even speak comfortably to James, I couldn’t look him in the eyes. Imagine since I can be like that in the presence of an outsider, how do you think I am going to react in the presence of your mom?”
“You have been speaking to her comfortably.”
“On phone remember? Now I am going to face her, to look into her eyes. How do you think I am going to feel having to do that while knowing what I am doing with her son? She entrusted you to me Nathan, and I am pretty sure that if she had known this would happen, she would never have let you go with me.”
“Then fine,” Nathan said.
“Fine what?” Tracy asked, her heart beating at what decision he could have made.
“Since you agreed because we were in Hawaii and no one knew us, then let’s go back.”
“What?” She was stunned.
“Yes,” Nathan approached her, “let’s go back. It mustn’t be Hawaii, somewhere no one knows us, somewhere no one knows our history, please.”
“Wait, Nathan wait,” she avoided him touching her, “do you have any idea what you are saying?”
“Yes, I’m saying we should run away.”
“We can’t do that!”
“Why can’t we?” He asked, “why can’t we Trace, you said it yourself. The only reason we can’t be together is because everyone here knows us, knows our history. You said the reason you agreed in Hawaii was because no one knew us. Do you have any idea how many countries in the world? We can just pick one, and we can finally be together, please.”
“Nathan, what about your mother? What about school, what about my work? What about friends?”
“I don’t care. I can always call mom, and I don’t care about school or friends. I can always join another high school. And you don’t have to quit your job, or you can get another one. I can get a job too, no matter how small, I can be working and be providing.”
“No, no, no, no,” Tracy ran her fingers through her hair, “I can’t do that Nathan. Not to you or to Lucy. Do you have any idea that you are the only reason Lucy is alive, you are her world, her everything. If anything should happen to you, she would never survive!”
“Nothing is happening to me! I am not going off to die. I am just going away and she can always visit or I can always visit. Please Trace, just consider it okay,” he grabbed her hands, forcing her to stop pacing. “Please, I will take any other thing than you turning your back on me. I will live any life as long as you are there with me.” He caressed her cheek with his fingertips, “I just want you around me, please.”
Tracy closed her eyes to stop seeing the emotion in his eyes, she couldn’t believe it. James had been right and she had been so blind to see it, thinking all was okay. But no, all was not okay, he might not have said anything but it was as clear as the day in his eyes. How did she get into this mess? It was just supposed to be fun, fun and nothing else. Why is it this now? “Nathan…”
“Tracy please,” his voice trembled and he hugged her tightly, really tightly, “please,” he whispered, “just consider it, I’m begging.”
Tracy stayed in his arms for a while, listening to his pleas and feeling the shuddering of his body. She felt so bad, at herself, at him and at Lucy. She would never forgive herself for this, she would never forgive herself for hurting him this bad but this is not right. It wasn’t supposed to be this way and she can’t let him throw away his future just for her. She placed her hand on his chest and pushed him away slightly. “I’m sorry Nathan but…” she shook her head, “I can’t be with you. We can’t be together, it’s not possible.”
Nathan closed his eyes, his heart was breaking into a million pieces and the feeling was worse than he had thought. “I love you,” he whispered.
Tracy felt her heart stop and restarted again, she wasn’t dumb; she knew he was finally confessing to her but she couldn’t take it so she acted dumb. “I know, and I love you too, just like your mom and every other…”
“No,” he cut her short, cupping her cheeks in his hands, looking deeply into her hazel eyes. “I love you, not as a sister or an aunt. I love you like a man would a woman. I love you like a lover would his partner.”
“No,” Tracy shook her head, she doesn’t want to believe it even if she was feeling it deep in her bones that it was the truth. “It’s not possible.”
“Well, it has been possible since I was fifteen,” he gulped, “I have been hiding this from you, thinking you will never accept me, that they will never be us. But then you looked at me that night in Hawaii and you asked me what I want,” he closed his eyes and sighed. “I had hoped that maybe you were beginning to feel the same way, after all, you have been dropping hints here and there. You gave me hope and for once, I thought I could be with you, that maybe we can be together.”
“No, no, no, no,” Tracy moved away from him, “this can’t be possible Nathan. You were just fifteen and you probably don’t know what love is.” She heaved a sigh, “he was right, this all my fault. I have been around you too much that you have mistaken an illusion as love. You can’t love me Nathan, well, you think you do but you don’t. It’s all an illusion and if I should go away from you, maybe for sometime then you will see it.”
Nathan chuckled painfully, “if you call it an illusion just because I was fifteen, what about now. I’m eighteen, a full legal adult. Do you think I still don’t know what love is since I knew that my feelings for you tripled with our trip to Hawaii?”
“Nathan, you have never been with girls your age. I have every reason to believe that if you should be with just one of them, you will understand what I am saying. I am too old for you.”
“Age shouldn’t be a barrier when it comes to love you know? And why is this so impartial? If our case was reversed now, if I am the one twenty seven going to twenty eight and in love with you that is eighteen, no one will talk, everyone would be okay with us being together. So why can’t it be like this, why can’t you be the older one, huh?”
“Nathan, this is the world for you.”
“Well I don’t care what they think, I don’t care what they say. I have never cared. I only care about you, what you want, what you think. And I am ready to do anything if you would just take me.”
“But I can’t Nathan.”
“Why can’t you?”
“Because I don’t feel the same way!” she yelled. Nathan paused and stared at her, “I don’t feel the same way for you okay,” she heaved a deep sigh. “For people to be together, the feeling has to be mutual.”
“But…in Hawaii…”
“It was just for the fun, for bodily satisfaction,” she closed her eyes, what are you doing Tracy? She asked herself. “I don’t feel that way about you and that was why I wanted everything to end in Hawaii, do you understand now?”
Nathan was breaking and he felt so weak like his legs couldn’t carry him again, “are you sure, because it doesn’t feel like that when you kiss me, when you touch me. It doesn’t feel like that when you let me hold you. You complete me and it feels like I do the same to you too. So how can it all be a lie?”
She turned her back to him, “just go Nathan, please.”
“But Trace…”
“Just leave!”
The tears were threatening to fall and he didn’t want to stay if she doesn’t want him to and so he left the house and ran to his.
Tracy wiped her hands on her face, “oh God,” she whimpered as she slumped on the couch. Her heart was eating her up and she could not tell if she was feeling like that because she hurt him or because she knew she hurt them both. Not wanting to break down or anything, she entered the kitchen where she had left her bag and fetched her phone. She dialed a number and the person picked on the first ring, “don’t worry Kathleen, you don’t need to stay for me again, I will be there in twenty.” She hung up and grabbed her duffel bag. Then she picked the car keys where Nathan had left it on the counter.
She entered the living room, seeing the pie that Mrs. Wicket had given her and didn’t know what to do it, so she just grabbed it with her and left the house. Outside, she stood and stared at Nathan’s room window when she heard a thrashing sound coming from it. She closed her eyes, feeling the vibration of everything he broke in her heart. She wanted to go to him but she stopped herself, maybe it was for the best this time. She sighed and got into her car and with one more glance at the house, she drove off.