Walking back home // Noco

Playground love 19

"Yet my hands are shaking, I feel my body remains."

C: Noah, we need to talk.

Oh no. He found me out, didn't he? Owen told him, didn't he?

N: I'm sorry.

C: No, I'm sorry. What is up with you? You didn't bother coming to school anymore, you don't text me, and you only tell Owen that YOU'RE moving?! Seriously, Noah. I'm your boyfriend, you need to communicate with me if you want to continue this relationship. I love you, but I'm genuinely concerned because you're doing it again.

N: Doing what?

C: HIDING YOUR FEELINGS.

C: That was the SOLE reason Emma left you. You can't communicate for shit. How could you only tell Owen? I thought you trusted me.

My heart dropped down to the pit of my stomach, reading everything. He was right. I can't communicate for shit. I've been trying to improve myself for him. I've been trying for him too. I've been doing everything, I promise.

I can't fucking cry. I can't do anything. I'm helpless.

N:I'm sorry, Cody. I didn't want you to be upset over me moving. It was one secret I trusted Owen not to tell because I thought you'd be upset.

C: I don't know what to say anymore, Noah. I'm coming over.

I pressed my palms against my eye sockets, stressing over this situation. Have I taken it too far? This really is my fault. I love him. I...

"I'm a fucking idiot, Nova. I shouldn't have told anybody. I was left for dead by my parents my entire life. Why is it now that they decide to act like an actual parental figure towards me? I had a purpose, a life to actually look forward to. They've taken it all away, Nova. They're selfish. Fucking selfish. They just want to take, take, and take." My voice began to break as I told my dog my life story put into one whole paragraph.

I know, I'm probably just blabbering. I'm so sick. The pain and stress I'm feeling is ineffable.

KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK.

I'm guessing that's Cody. You know, I haven't seen anyone in a while. I drowsily made my way to the door, letting in the specks of sunlight to seep through. My eyes were irritated from crying too much. I just stood there, looking at the door as if it was just there.

"Noah," Cody looks at me with a rebuking stare, one that I couldn't forget. I felt like I committed a mortal sin. I felt like I'd done something worse than murder. I felt guilty. I couldn't hold it in. I just sobbed and sobbed. I came closer to him and just hugged him tight like it was the last time we'll ever see each other.

"I'm sorry..." I stammered my words, apologizing over and over. I dug my chipped nails onto the hems of his shirt, gripping on, silently begging him to not let go.

"Let's go in." He said with a bit of regret in his voice, dragging my weight across once again. Cody turned to me, looking like he was the one who fucked up everything. I was the root to all trouble. Where did the sparkle in his eyes go? Where is it? It wasn't supposed to end like this.

"Cody, please..." I pleaded. I didn't know what I was pleading for, but I just wanted him. "I'm sorry, it's all my fault. I thought I could fix it. I thought..." Cody looked into my eyes and I knew that the sparkle in his eyes were gone. He sat there silently. It's all my fault. "I want to fix it. I want to love you." I hyperventilated as his eyes roamed my soul, analyzing my deepest fears and my biggest lies.

"It's okay, Noah." Cody caresses my face with a tender sadness. "You're going to be alright," He cooed, exhaling like he took in fresh air. His love made me feel like I breathed in fresh air. I still held on to it, but I felt like I was losing that loving feeling. I already lost...

Everything.

I gripped onto the front of his shirt, hoping he'd stay.

He didn't say anything. It was just me, him, and the shrouding silence. "I love you," Cody smiled at what I said. It just wasn't the same, cheery smile. His hair still fell slowly against his face, his freckles were along the bottoms of his eyes, and his fluttering long eyelashes that he'd bat when he was exhausted. "Is loving me..." I paused. "Hard?"

The teenager just rested upon my chest and I couldn't help but just stroke his hair softly, almost like I was lulling him to sleep. He pondered as I asked the question. "Loving you? Oh, Noah... Loving you is like breathing...Sometimes it's easy but on some days, it's hard. You know that feeling?"

I hummed at the related question. I then thought back on my journal. 'Finding a new definition to that love was somewhat like breathing.' He was my new definition of love.

The embodiment of love. "I always knew that feeling," I choked. He was like a warm pillow, resting on me during a cold winter when the quilts weren't enough. "I could talk about it for centuries. It can be passed down from generations upon generations. Sorry if I'm being corny. Your poems really got to me." I pierce my lips, smacking them with my coated saliva. "Loving... It used to feel like drowning. When I first realized I had fallen in love with you, love felt like I was drowning." I cooed, telling him everything about me.

I had begun to open up. I let him in.

"When you leave Ontario, are you breaking up with me?" Cody asked after moments of silence. I was shaken by his question. "How could I ever leave you? Whether I'm dead, away, or here, why would I leave you?" "You're leaving me, that's why." He stated, flipping his bangs behind his ear. The night almost rose as the sky turned into an ombre shade of purple and orange.

He stood.

He walked.

He left.

1 month left.