heroine (taylor swift and travis kelce)

the wreckage

It had been a few weeks since... since Taylor had lost something inside of her she didn't know she  had to lose. Something that had been stolen from her by those fucking hands, by that body, by him.

Weeks since she'd been sitting there on the kitchen floor. Weeks since she'd had her dreams crushed, the idea she had of him shattered. She'd gotten up and performed that very next day, and no one would have been able to tell that she'd been destroyed the previous afternoon. Every concert since, she'd forced herself to put on a show, forced herself to pretend that she was okay. That she was the person she was a month ago. That she was on top of the world, that she could joke and smile and laugh and be in awe of the crowds at her fingertips. But the truth was far from that - Taylor wasn't that person anymore. In fact, she didn't actually know who she was.

Matty Healy had stolen that from her.

She was sitting in an empty hotel room in Kansas City, a bottle of champagne empty on the table in front of her. Once upon a time, she'd never have thought she'd finish a whole bottle of champagne to herself. She'd regret it, but she'd forced herself to drink water in between every glass. She knew well enough that it would give her the feeling of numbness, without the headache. Without the hangover.

Because she had to perform tonight. As far as anyone knew, she was doing better than ever. She was on top of the world. Speak Now (Taylor's Version) was alive and breathing in the world and people were loving it. But she couldn't even enjoy that. It had practically killed her - having to leak a statement regarding the fact that her and Matty were over. She'd blocked his number, she'd deleted the photos of him. The thought of him was enough to make her feel nauseous. So she didn't allow herself to think of him, or what had happened. She'd drown if she let herself recall his silhouette in the darkness of her room, if she let herself remember how hard she'd fallen for him.

Just because she wasn't actively thinking about it, didn't mean that she could forget it. It was ingrained in her now. It was there when she closed her eyes, and when she went to write music. Everything else could be forgotten - everything that Joe said... Matty had taken the pain away from that too.
She hadn't even opened her curtains yet. She was sitting there in the dark. When she wasn't on stage faking every second of her happiness, she was in a dark room with makeup smeared down her cheeks. She'd gotten distant from everyone. She hadn't meant to. She didn't want to. She didn't know why.

Still, her Mom was the only one that knew about what Matty did. All her friends thought that she was just busy with the tour - but the reality was that Taylor didn't want to have to lie to them. She couldn't admit it yet. They'd ask her how she was and she didn't want to have to lie. She didn't want to have to tell them what he'd done, or how she really was beneath the sequins and stilettos. Her Mom was suffocating, and it was hard because Taylor knew that it was out of love that she was paying such close attention to every move. Which was why she was spending so much time hidden away in dark rooms. Her Mom could tell she was inches away from the edge of an incredibly dark, incredibly tall abyss.

A few hours later, she'd sobered up to the reality of what happened. That was her problem. While she tried not to think about it, it was all she could think about. Whether it was someone patting her on the back, or giving her a high five, whether they were nudging her or hugging her... it all just took her back. Of course, her smile always stayed put on her face and she'd gotten even better at hiding her reality away. In a tiny little cage at the bottom of her heart. And she wouldn't open it. She'd thrown away the key, tossed it off a cliff side. She couldn't afford for people to know what was going on.

She stared down at her sparkly boots, before she closed her eyes. Preparing herself. Getting herself into character - the facade that she puts up when she's on stage. Tonight was even worse, because tonight was a big deal. It was the first concert after Speak Now (Taylor's Version) had been released. Meaning that there was extra stress in making it special. New songs, a new dress, new moments. Even her bringing out Taylor Lautner and Joey King - they were just more people that she had to fool. Particularly when he knew her pretty well, too. She'd have to talk to them after the concert - for the mean time, she'd avoided having to say too much. The conversation had been on the music video, and when they'd get on stage, and what they'd do. Even Taylor Lautner's discussion of doing a back flip hadn't been enough to bring a genuine smile to her lips.