heroine (taylor swift and travis kelce)

the slammer

"You're doing the right thing." He told her from the driver's seat.
Taylor was sitting anxiously beside him. Was she? Was this the right thing for her? For her heart, her soul and her self? Was it really what she needed - unpacking it all and being asked personal questions?

It was the 9th of July, and she was spending it sat in Travis Kelce's car. After spending most of the morning scrambling to talk herself out of needing to talk to someone... she realised that she had no choice. This was the only option for her. And that was terrifying.
One of her school teachers had left to become a therapist and she'd spent most of yesterday tracking her down and seeing if she could make an appointment. Taylor didn't trust anyone, but she trusted her. Her favourite teacher from her school experience - she trusted her back then and she still trusted her now. And the woman coincidentally lived in Kansas City.

She only had a few days to get to Denver, but Travis had told her that for once, she had to prioritise herself. He said that one more day in Kansas City wasn't going to delay her too much and she'd agreed because she really, really didn't want to go back to New York. If she'd left, she would have had to go back there - to get her things, spend a few days sorting it all out. She'd rather sleep on Travis Kelce's front lawn than do that.
"Taylor," he looked over at her with a smile. "Remember, I won't let anyone lock you in an asylum. Okay?"
"Promise?" Her voice squeaked.
He nodded as he parked the car. "I swear on my life. I'll make sure you get inside okay."
"What if I don't know how to talk?" Taylor began to panic. "What if she thinks I'm so fucked up that there's no going back for me?"
"It's her job to find a way forward for you." Travis told her. "It's her job to get you to speak. It's her job to make you feel things. Don't be scared of them - the big feelings, I mean."
Taylor had bitten all of her nails on the fifteen minute drive here.
"I don't want to go." She sighed.
"I know," Travis told her. "But you're here, Taylor. And that's the hardest part."

She got out of the car anyway. Travis walked her to the door, waiting until she was inside, before he spoke to her gently.
"I'm proud of you." His eyes were kind and they were warm. They were gentle and they made her feel like she was going to be okay.
She smiled at him, even though she was so anxious that she feared she'd throw up if she were to open her mouth.
"Taylor!" A cheery voice called her name. "It's so lovely to see you."
The woman had auburn hair and glasses, and Taylor still remembered how jealous she'd been of her as a kid. She'd wanted nothing more than to have shiny, straight hair like Jennifer Ashford.
She hadn't seen the woman since she was young, and she hadn't changed very much.
"Come in," she gestured to her office. "I'm so glad that you called."
"I wasn't going to call," Taylor admitted as she followed her into the room. It was bright, and calming. Lots of plants and suncatchers. Taylor had always loved sun catchers. "But a friend told me that I really needed help. I... I'm really sorry about all the paperwork and stuff. I know it's stupid and annoying." She was so stressed that she barely took a breath.
"Of course - don't even worry about it. I hope I filled it all out correctly. You can call me Jen, by the way. You've done big things since I last saw you, Taylor."
Taylor gave a small smile. "I... I didn't know who else I should come to about this. I didn't... I didn't want to go to a stranger about my problems." Jen smiled, nodding.
"It can be quite daunting, can't it?" She gave a small laugh, and Taylor tried not to focus on the notebook and pen she held in her hands. "I'll start off with a big question, shall I?"
Taylor just nodded, wanting the ground to eat her whole. She hated every second of this.
"How are you?"
The answer that almost fell from her mouth was 'good' but then she remembered that she was talking to a therapist and she needed to tell the woman more than that.
"I'm here, aren't I?" Taylor felt defeated. "How good can anyone be that's sitting in here?"
Jen nodded. "It's interesting to hear you say that, what makes you think that?"
"Because since the dawn of time, talking about how you really feel has been presented as a bad thing." Taylor shrugged. "I guess I think that people who have their shit together don't need to phone up their old school teacher at some ungodly hour in the morning, needing to desperately make an appointment."
"You mustn't have even shed the sequins before making that call," Jen chuckled.
Taylor couldn't help but smile. "No, I hadn't. I... my friend had said that I should get help and I was really scared. It took me... it was really hard, making that call. It wasn't... it wasn't until a friend told me that I needed to think about getting some help that I actually acted on it. I'm sorry for phoning you at such an ungodly hour."
"That's what I'm here for." She still had the nicest smile - as she readjusted her glasses. "What do you need help with, Taylor?"
Taylor's words disappeared. She didn't want to say it out loud again. She didn't want to admit it again. But she could see Travis's car, could see him sitting in the front seat, and she forced herself to open up the depths of her soul.
"I think... I think that I was raped. I mean, I don't know if I even get to call it that." Her voice was shaking. "And I've been riding a downhill slope since then. I think I've hit rock bottom and I just don't see any way out of it."
She didn't know if she expected Jen's face to shift or not. It didn't. There was a part of that which reassured her - because she knew that it wasn't the most fucked up thing that Jen had ever heard. She felt stupid, sitting there, bawling her eyes out.
"Why don't you know if you get to call it that?"
"I... I don't remember all of it." Taylor eyes watered. "I don't... I mean, I think that I said no. I know it was clear that I didn't want to do it. I don't know why I can't remember it, either. I didn't... I just... I froze. My body froze and my head froze and it was like my whole body stopped working. Went numb, was broken." Taylor shrugged.
"Were they known to you?"
"Yes," her voice broke. "He... he was..." she didn't know what to call him. "I think we're calling them a situationship these days."
Jen nodded. "I know how hard this is for you to talk about," she told Taylor. "I really appreciate you telling me. I bet it took a great deal of courage for you to get out of that car today but I just want you to know how proud I am that you made that first step.
"It did, it was one of the hardest things I've ever done." Taylor replied. Even though she hated every second she was stuck here, she felt lighter. Telling someone. Someone who might be able to tell her. Someone who made her feel a little less fucked up.
"How did you feel, in that moment?"
"Broken, I guess. I... I really liked him. I mean, I'd just gotten out of a really long term relationship and I guess I'd convinced myself that it was all leading me back to a guy I'd liked since 2014." Taylor paused. "I think... maybe my head had worked up an idea of him. I think that in that moment... I realised that he wasn't that guy at all. I felt really sad and betrayed and angry and..." Taylor trailed off, not sure where her words were leading her. So she waited for Jen to speak.
"Tell me about the betrayal and anger that you felt."
"All I wanted was for someone to sit beside me and hold me and tell me that everything was going to be okay. All I wanted was for someone to tell me that I was loved. But then he just fucking held me down and said he was making me forget all of my fucking problems." Taylor couldn't help but get emotional. "I didn't... he didn't even realise what he'd done. He stood there in my kitchen as I was throwing up and asked me what happened. He didn't even know... he didn't even know. I think that part of it must be my fault - maybe he didn't know that I didn't want to. Maybe I didn't explicitly say no? Maybe... maybe I was just being dramatic. He said it wasn't serious, said that..." Taylor trailed off.
"Are these the thoughts you were thinking at the moment?"
Taylor nodded. "And every moment since."
"You're feeling all of these things right now?"
"Maybe... less of the anger. I think that the sadness has descended most of all. I still... I think about it all the time. But... I can't sleep. When I close my eyes... it just plays out again and again and again. And sometimes," she took a deep breath, "I've really been thinking about dying."
Jen nodded, making notes in her notebook. Taylor couldn't read what they were, but she was stressed. What if someone got their hands on the notebook? What if people found out about this?
"Taylor, it sounds to me, like you're suffering from PTSD."
She's not shocked by this news.
"Oh."
"When these traumatic events happen to us, our human nature is to avoid them." Jen told her gently. "Burry them deep down inside us, and forget that it ever happened. I'm really, really glad that you did not do that."
"I mean... it happened weeks ago." Taylor replied. "I wouldn't have come, if it weren't for Travis. He dropped me to the door and everything."
Jen smiled. "I'm glad that you've got a support network, Taylor. Does Travis know?"
"My Mom and Travis are the only ones that know. My friends have guessed that something's not right with me but I... I can't bring myself to tell them the truth."
"Do you have an idea why that might be?"
"Because I'm ashamed." The words flew out of her mouth. She didn't know why she was talking. She didn't know why, for weeks, she'd been suffering alone and refusing to let her Mom help her and now she was sitting in therapy, with an old school teacher listening to her.
"Taylor, why do you feel like you have to feel ashamed?" Jen's face softened ever so slightly.
Taylor bit her lip, shaking her head.
"I know that if any, any of my friends came to me and told me that they'd been through what I did... I know I wouldn't feel that way." She paused. "But I don't know. People didn't even like him to begin with and it took a lot of convincing and so maybe they'll think that it's what I deserve."
They wouldn't think that, she knew that. She knew that Blake would never have those thoughts but she couldn't help the anxiety.
"Would you think that if one of your friends were sexually assaulted?" Jen asked quietly.
"No." Taylor sighed. "I wouldn't."
"What makes you think that they will feel that way?"
"I don't know." Taylor's face softened. "I don't know the answer to that one, I'm sorry."
"There is absolutely nothing to apologise for," Jen tells her gently. "Let's change tactics a little." She paused. "But I want you to know, that it is very common for survivors of sexual assault to feel the way that you are feeling."
Survivors? Taylor didn't think of herself as a survivor. The word caught in her head and she couldn't let it go. What made her a survivor?
"Sexual assault is one of those big traumas where there's absolutely no right or wrong way to feel." Jen spoke. "Taking care of yourself is really, really important. What are you doing at the moment to take care of yourself?"
Taylor pressed her lips into a straight line. She hadn't been doing anything to help herself. She'd been drinking. Much more than was good for her. Much more than she should be, considering she was in the middle of tour.
"Um..." There was no point lying to her, she figured. "I... I don't think I've been doing a very good job at looking after myself."
Jen just nodded, and Taylor felt relief when she didn't feel like she was being judged.
"What sorts of things did you do to look after yourself before?"
"I guess I'd go to the gym, I really liked reading. I haven't been able to focus on anything." Taylor sighed.
"That's perfectly normal. Everyday activities, like reading or cooking or working out can be really hard to engage in after a trauma like the one you experienced." Jen paused, writing something in her notebook. "I want us to work together to think of some baby steps you could take to help build a routine. Now, I understand that you're a very busy woman, and you're not particularly tethered to a place at the moment."
"I don't want to go back to New York." Taylor blurted out. "Sorry."
"There's nothing to apologise for." Jen smiled. "Can you think of any little steps you could take?"
"I suppose I should start by not drinking alcohol." Taylor answered. Other than that one, she had no clue how she was supposed to get her life back on track.
Jen nodded. "That's a really good idea, Taylor."
"I... I also have felt a little bit better this weekend. Only a tiny bit, but... I've been smiling a bit."
"Why do you think that might be?"
"I... Travis gave me a friendship bracelet." Taylor smiled as she told her. "I met him back in New York at the beginning of the year and we reconnected this weekend."
"And you felt comfortable enough to share what happened?"
Taylor nodded. "Yeah, I really did. He's been really, really supportive. If it weren't for him, I wouldn't be sitting here right now. I didn't want to come."
Jen smiled. "It's understandable that you didn't want to come, but I'm glad that you did. Having a supportive friend can be really, really helpful. Especially if they make you feel safe and understood."
Taylor hadn't thought about the fact that she felt safe with Travis. She did feel safe with him - she'd come out with no security today. Which hadn't happened in years. She hadn't thought about the fact that she'd opened up to him completely. Without even hesitating.
She was still wearing his friendship bracelet, and she glanced at it with a smile as she fiddled with it.
"Is writing songs a helpful coping mechanism for you?" Jen asked.
Taylor nodded. "I've written a couple of things here and there but it's just... it's a really hard thing to make sound beautiful."
"Why does it have to sound beautiful?" Jen asked, and Taylor looked up at her. "Why can't it be messy, and sad, and angry?"
She was right. She didn't have to make it sound beautiful or delicate, or mosaic. It could be ugly and dark and deep and angry. It could be the truth - the raw, ugly masterpiece of it all.