HE Who Saw the Deep

Chapter 23

"Nakapagluto na ako, mahal. Come on, let's eat." Eron called and held my hand.

I shook my head. Hindi na nag-abalang tapunan siya ng tingin. "Busog ako, mauna ka na."

Ever since, Eron has been with me. I was barely surviving. Kapag naaalala ko nawawalan ako ng ganang kumain. Kapag inaalala kong kasalanan ko, wala akong ginagawa kundi umiyak at matulog buong hapon.

"It's been months, Eryna. Sobrang konti lang ng kinakain mo, minsan sa isang araw ni hindi ka kumakain... " He softly said and tried to lift me up but I protested.

He reached for my elbow but I avoided his hold. Hinawi ko ang kamay niya kaya hindi ko sinasadyang matamaan ang labi niya. I was shocked, I almost went to him when I saw his lips bleeding until he talked.

"Sa ginagawa mo... para ka na ring nawala sa akin." Ang madalas na pirming boses ni Eron ay nanginig, he let out a deep and short breath as he bit his lips and looked away.

Instead of understanding him. I bursted out in anger. No one understands my pain. No one knows what I truly feel. I'm mad, because how could everyone dear to Kurt put a smile on their faces when he's gone! How could they not think of him, how could they be happy!?

"Hindi mo naman ako naiintindihan!" I shouted as my tears started forming in my eyes.

He gently stared at me, looking so tired, looking so done. "I understand—"

"No, you don't!" He was stunned at the intensity of my anger, he gulped and looked away, now tears falling on his cheeks.

"Of course I do, wala ako rito kung hindi kita naiintindihan. Nag-aalala ako sa'yo, mahal na mahal kita ayaw kong..." Suminghap siya, I saw how he clenched his fist.

"Ayaw kong ganito ka," Bumalik ang tingin niya sa akin, malamyos ang titig kahit na halata mo ang pagod. His teary eyes made my heart clenched in double pain.

"Ano ba dapat ang gawin ko?! Gusto mong umakto ako na parang wala lang?! I lost my only family! He's the reason why my dreams were created and pursued!" Sinubukan niya akong lapitan pero umatras ako, takot na mahawakan niya.

"Ni hindi ko pa natutupad. . . nawala agad siya sa akin!" Humikbi ako at umiling, I gulped and averted my gaze. Ang mga luhang nagsipatakan ay pinalis ko. "Ayaw ko namang u-umiyak palagi. . . pero k-kapag naaalala ko... " I sobbed, my lips were trembling and my hands were shaking, hindi matuloy-tuloy ang gustong sabihin.

"If you're in misery then let me be in it. I want to grieve with you. . . please." His hoarse voice made it worse. Damang-dama ko ang sakit na nararamdaman niya, how his tone were begging for me to come to him.

Lumapit muli siya sa akin pero umatras ako upang hindi niya tuluyang mahawakan. Because I know if he'll have the chance to touch me, I'd break more.

"Please don't make it harder than it already is, " I sobbed. "Nasasaktan kita..."

"That's given, we're in a relationship... " He said like that's enough reason for me to give into him.

He's in pain because he's with me. He's so patient but I couldn't appreciate that right now. He will bend just to not let me break. He will drown just to save me. He will understand just to soothe me. But I couldn't just reveal my depth just for him to carry it instead. I would never want that.

Imagine months of being set aside. Imagine how much pain he was enduring. I couldn't fathom to make someone suffer with me after I lost Kurt. I couldn't afford to be happy when I know he's been hurting. I'm too exhausted to ease his pain, ni hindi ko magawa sa sarili ko.

If this is being selfish then I'd galdly do it. Because I have no idea when I could move forward or if I could. He's my support system, like a column he said. I want him to stand strong even with my decision to let him go. I want him to pursue happiness instead of me. To pursue life and not misery with me.