Givin' pres'ns ain't no picnic on de mount'n eeda.
Cuz shaw nuff, upon Chick-a-Pin Hill, ol' Brer Burt an' his best pal Sis Patty was hed'n strate faw trubble.
Sis Patty, she wax huh neck wid her own waxin' kit.
"What are you up to, Patty?" say Brer Burt.
"Like hi, Burty" sez Sis Patty, sez she. "I'm just giving myself a wax. I don't want Jeremy to see me with a hairy neck."
"Holy peach fuzz!" Brer Burt udda.
Jes' den, ol' Brer Fox hisself cum struttin' down de road swingin' his fancy walkin' cane.
On his paws, he wear gluvs made frum a strong fabric.
"Howdy, y'all! Notice an'thing diff'n bout me?" he say.
"You got taller?" guess Sis Patty.
"Nope. Foxes stop growin' heeah" sez Brer Fox, sezee. "I was talkin' bout deez gluvs dat Brer Chad n' Brer Jeremy gave me faw de Splash Buddies gift exchange."
"Cuckoo! Now you can touch the thorns in the Briar Patch without bursting into tears" say Sis Patty.
"Exactly! An' save ma tears fo when Brer Rabbit escapes" say Brer Fox.
Brer Burt, he look at Sis Patty. "I can't believe I forgot the gift exchange. I hear it's how Splash residents show their appreciation for each other" he say.
"Then let's do it" sez Sis Patty, sez she. "I know exactly what I'm getting you!"
"And so the gift really comes from the heart, I say we can't spend any money" say Brer Burt.
Sis Patty stiffen. "I have no idea what I'm getting you."
In de woods, de oddas had jes' taken a drink frum de ol' man's hose.
"Alright. We're hydrated and we know where we're going" sez Brer Chad sezee. "Let's head back to the mountain."
He try ter walk tawds de cliff, but Brer Jeremy hold 'im. "Wrong way, Indiana Jones!"
Brer Bear, he dance in place. "Fellas, I has ter go ter de baffroom."
"Pick a tree. Any tree" say Brer Rabbit.
"No way! I needs privacy! I can't go n'less I's alone. In a locked room! Wid de lights off!" say Brer Bear.
Brer Chad sorter grunt. "Thank you for that mental picture."
"I can't hold it" sez Brer Bear sezee. "I have ter ask dat ol' man if I can use hit potty."
He run up an' knock again.
De ol' man ansa. "What now?!"
"I hope de light's off in yaw baffroom! Cuz I'm goin' in!" say Brer Bear dashin' in.
Brer Jeremy step up ter de man. "I hate to intrude, but Chad here an I are responsible for that bear. Mind if we wait for him inside?"
"Fine. But he'd better not touch my decorative soaps!" say de ol' man.
"It's Brer Bear. Your soap is safe" Brer Jeremy promise.
Brer Chad, Brer Jeremy an' Brer Rabbit all enta de cabin, which was decorated nicely wid all de woodland cullas.
"Are you new here?" sez Brer Chad sezee. "I could show you around?"
"No he can't" say Brer Rabbit.
Brer Jeremy clear his throte. "What are you doing in these parts?"
"Trying to avoid annoying youngsters" say de ol' man. "It's not going very well."
Brer Chad back away. "Hurry up, Brer Bear!"
Brer Bear cum outta de baffroom an' smile at de ol' man.
"Why are you staring at me, bear? What did you do in there?" say de ol' man.
"Nuthin" say Brer Bear.
Brer Chad pull 'im back. "We'll be leaving now."
"De daw's right b'hind ya, Brer Chad" say Brer Rabbit.
"I know!" snap Brer Chad.
De fellas go back outside.
"Fellas. I has some'n ter tell ya bout dat ol' man" say Brer Bear.
"Anythin' ya lernd bout him in de baffroom, I do not wanna know" say Brer Rabbit.
"He's jolly ol' St Nick! Father Christmas! Santy Claus!" Brer Bear cheer.
Brer Jeremy, he roll 'is eyes an' scoff. "Oh for goodness sake. Brer Bear, this is why we don't eat maps. The ink is messing with your brain."
YOU ARE READING
Iced Gingerbread (Uncle Remus style)
FanfictionUncle Remus narrates the third "Jelly Side Up!" installment for its anniversary.
