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" im sure we're taller in another dimension. you say we're smaller and not worth the mention. "
NEEDED ME * WHITE FERRARI ● FRANK OCEAN
I rubbed Indiyah's back in slow circles. "Breathe." I ordered.
We had just gotten back from the club an hour or two ago. She had started throwing up in a trash can about 15 minutes ago. I'd woken up the moment she'd bolted up and carried her from the carpet to the bathroom. It was almost 5 am and we were probably the only ones up. Orion, Killian and I had been the only sober ones.
Indiyah gagged but stopped herself from puking up anymore. I pushed a few of her braids out of her face. "Love, let it out you'll feel better." Indiyah was emetephobic. And if you were in illiterate dickwad, emetephobia was a fear of vomit and in my love's unfortunate case she needed to vomit to feel better.
After a second Indiyah hurled up some more chunks into the toilet. Once she finished i wiped her mouth with a tissue and carried her back to bed.
Indiyaj groaned."I am never drinking alcohol again. Never ever again. Alcohol is a demon and it is evil and I hate it and it sucks."
I opened my mouth to speak and she cut me off. "Dominick Frederic Ruslana I swear to everything i love if you even start your sentence with i told you so i will literally get up and leave this fucking country."
I chuckled and grabbed the trash can full of puke and took it downstairs. As i was hosing off the dirty crash can outside i heard the song Je te laisserai de mots from down the hall. I washed my hands and followed the piano notes to a door that was slightly open. Nikolai was playing the piano in the room plastered and painted with album covers from revolutionary music periods.
I leaned against the door, arms crossed over my chest."I always forget you can play."
Nikolai didn't stop at my words. He simply shrugged. "So do I. It's all my muscle memory."
The reason Nikolai and I had gotten so close was the reason for most people's long term friendships. Our mother's. We resonated with each other. His mother died giving birth to him and his father had gotten so depressed after his wifes death that he drank himself to his own. We took him in. My mother had always made special connections with people and she had made one with Nikolai to. We would play our instruments until sunset and talk until dawn.
When Iva was younger he would play piano for her and I would play the cello to block out the shouting from my parent's bedroom. My mother had loved it. My mother had loved him. Like a son. And Nikolai had loved her. Like a mother. I observed his expression. Nikolai was so good at pretending sometimes that you could never know when he was being serious or not.
"Do you love Indiyah?" He asked, eyes glued to the piano keys.
"Yes."
He nodded silent again. The only sound bewteen us coming from the piano keys he was pressing.
"I know you do." He spoke up again. " I've seen it. Everyone sees it. I saw it tonight when you kept checking up on her in the club. It makes me sick you know?" He confessed. " That you've found something so real and pure and I haven't. That i know that even if i did I'd fuck it up just like our fathers did."
His fingers never stopped drifting across the piano keys. I said nothing. I needed more out of him. I needed more emotion.
He laughed with himself. "I'm a really fucked up person aren't i? Being jealous of you because you've healed and found someone who accepts you and all you're scars."
"Nikolai I never healed." I gritted my teeth. "I haven't healed. I don't think I'll ever be able to heal. Neither will Iva or Killian or Ludmil. Natasiya of all fucking people can't even be in the same room with someone if they even mention murder." I could feel the blood rushing through my veins. The adrenaline of admitting and talking about all of our trauma was making my legs shake.
Nikolai's eyes never left the keys playing under his fingers. "I still hurt. I hurt alot. I think about it. Every fucking day and night and it...it kills me Dominick. It really fucking does. And it kills me even more when you look at her with those love eyes when we both know we're gonna end up like our deadbeat-"
"Nikolai!" my voice came out louder than i could control. The music from the piano stopped. Nikolai finally looked up at me. His eyes were bloodshot red and wet. His long eyelashes sparkling with tears.
The tears I'd been holding in for years poured out of me so strongly i was gasping for air. "Nikolai," my voice broke. "Nikolai i didn't get over it. I accepted it and forgave. Forgave myself for having such a fucking shit father. Forgave myself for being born with this gene of psychotic lunacy running through my brain and being pumped into my bloodstream!" The tears were rolling down my cheeks.
" I accepted it Nikolai. I accept my family. I accept you. I accept Killian. That's why I've found someone who accepts me. Because i accept myself. But i will never ever accept turning into my father. For her and for me."
Nikolai was crying now to. I began to chuckle through my running nose and wet red face. Nikolai and i locked eyes and we began to laugh. We laughed. We laughed because its what we did. We laughed because look at us now crying together as we were about enter our 30's.
I wiped my tears away with my wrist. "I'm in love Nikolai. I love her so so fucking much. And i would never let myself turn into my father but i would kill for her like my father. I would be ready to die for her if she told me to Nikolai." I laughed out loud to myself. I loved her. I was in love. And it felt great.
Nikolai dragged a hand through his hair. "I know Nicky Nick. It's really fucking gross to."
I rolled my eyes at the weird nickname he'd been calling me for decades. "You'll find someone soon. We made a deal. Our children would be blood just like us."
Nikolai took a swig from his beer. "Have you guys even fucked yet?"
I left Nikolai with the Piano and made it back to my room with Indiyah. She was passed out on the bed when I'd returned. She had changed her bonnet since the other one had slipped off while she had been sleeping. I slid up against her feeling her warmth radiate against mine.
"I love you." She whispered and i bolted up. "Get that big ass fucking ring in your bag that i found and put it on my finger i am not getting up." Her eyes were closed ad she ordered me around. I did as she told excited as ever.
I got on one knee and Indiyah opened her eyes. I cleared my throat. "Indiyah Mpho Jakute. Will you marry me?"
She sat up on her elbows. "Hmm i don't know.."
"You will get a free day with my black card in any african hair shop you desire."
She clapped. "Yes! I'll marry you."
I slid the diamond ring on her ring finger and kissed her. She pulled away."I'm still expecting some huge proposal though."
