ENG - Fractured Fates ʰʸᵘⁿˡᶦˣ

16

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I was still sitting on the bed, my gaze fixed on him while he continued to type mindlessly on his cell phone. A mixture of bewilderment and disappointment spread through me as I felt my cheeks grow hot and my heart hammer wildly against my chest. Every tap on his phone seemed like a blow to my self-esteem.
I felt even more humiliated and hurt than before.

The paralysis of shock held me captive as my fingers dug convulsively into the sheet. A slight movement next to me made me flinch. He had turned a little in my direction, his eyes still fixed on the display. "Do you want me to kiss you again? Or what are you waiting for, still sitting there?" he asked with such nonchalance and coldness in his voice that it sent an icy shiver down my spine. „And if you wanted to, you'd have to bend over me, it's extremely tight and hurts like shit," he added, stroking his stomach with his hand to show me where it hurt and not even looking at me.
„I think I'd better go now," I whispered barely audible over the loud pulse in my ears. I stood up and my legs trembled slightly. Now he looked at me as if I were invisible, as if my presence was completely meaningless. „Suit yourself," he mumbled and turned back to his cell phone.

With my lips pressed together, I directed one last, desperate look at him, but he didn't care one bit. „No wonder you ended up here," I breathed, barely audible, as a bitter taste spread across my tongue. Tears gathered in my eyes, which I desperately tried to suppress. He lifted his head and looked at me with such indifference that it tore my heart apart. „Speak up when you have something to say," he said in a voice that was incredibly cold and dismissive.
A tortured smile formed on my lips, which looked more like a grimace. I could feel my legs shaking, but I forced myself to turn around and walk out of the room. The door creaked behind me, as if reflecting my pain.

Instead of going back to the ward room, I headed for the toilets. Once there, I immediately stood in front of the sink and filled my hands with ice-cold water. I could feel it touching my skin, slowly creeping up my wrists and creating goose bumps on my arms. Then I closed my eyes and splashed it on my face, as if to wash away my tears and the humiliation Hyunjin had left behind.
I then reached for the paper towels next to the sink and dabbed my face with them. I used my hands to support myself left and right next to the edge of the sink. When I looked in the mirror, I sighed at the sight of myself and hung my head.

My heart was still beating incredibly fast and echoed incredibly loudly in my ears. I put my fingers to my lips and stroked them once. A stranger had actually stolen my first kiss, the kiss that I had always wanted to be something special. And yet I could still feel his lips and touch and the incredible tingling sensation he had left on mine with his lips.
I couldn't believe what had happened. I had never felt like this before, as alive and excited as I did at that moment. But at the same time, I also felt hurt and confused by his action.
I raised my eyes again and looked at myself through the mirror once more. „You worry too much," I muttered to myself and switched off the water, which was still running. It didn't mean anything to him anyway. He was an asshole, a pick-up artist and I was just the stupid bet he didn't want to lose. I should stop thinking about it - I couldn't change it anyway.

So I went back to the ward room where, as usual, I found Jisung on his cell phone. His eyes lit up in the glow of the screen as he looked at me in surprise and raised an eyebrow skeptically. „What are you doing here?" he asked me, his voice sounding slightly puzzled. „Has he got company again?" he added with a laugh.
I shook my head slowly, my hair brushing my shoulders, and sat down next to him. With a jerk, I scooted my chair closer to him and rested my head on his shoulder. „You need Felix Time too," I murmured, a warm smile spreading across my lips as I closed my eyes. Jisung started to laugh a little and patted me on the head. „Thank you for thinking of me," he said with a laugh.

When I opened my eyes again, my gaze fell directly on my best friend's screen. He was engrossed in some dating app again. His fingers glided across the screen as he looked at various men's profiles. I watched as he gave some of them a little heart and the corners of his mouth twitched upwards slightly.
„Have you ever had any success with what you're doing?" I asked him tiredly, my voice sounding a little resigned as my eyes remained fixed on his display. „I've been on a few dates," he explained as he continued to swipe through the app, „but somehow the right person hasn't come along yet." He gave the sixth person a little heart since I've been watching him and furrowed his eyebrows in confusion. „But you're already looking for a relationship, aren't you?" I continued to ask.
He nodded his head, his hair falling into his forehead. "Yeah, sure, if it's right. But I wouldn't mind just sleeping with a really hot guy either," he explained with a shy laugh, his cheeks turning slightly pink.

I lifted my head slightly so that I could look him in the face, but I still didn't take my head off his shoulder. "Is it really worth it? I mean the sex. If you would just sleep with anyone, it must be good, right?" I asked cautiously. Jisung knew that I was a virgin and wasn't really as interested in it as he was. Of course, the experience before I died would be nice, but it wouldn't be bad for me if I didn't have it.
Jisung leaned his head against mine now and sighed. „It's amazing when your partner knows what they're doing," he murmured, his eyes gazing off into the distance. "Of course there's bad sex too, but it's actually always good! You should really have that experience before you leave us, Felix," he continued, his voice sounding worried. He switched off his cell phone and sighed slightly. „It's not like you have to love the person to sleep with them."

As I thought about it, I could literally feel the warmth slowly creeping into my cheeks, turning them a soft pink and leaving a nervous tingle in my stomach. "I don't know, Jisung. I'm not as... adventurous as you are," I stammered, my voice laced with uncertainty. My heart began to do a wild dance in my chest as my hands became clammy, making me fold them nervously in my lap.
He lifted his head again and looked at me. "You don't have to try it with the first person you come across. But maybe there's someone you like and you could imagine doing it with. But you also just need to turn your head off and have fun. You're far too uptight," he said, his voice sounding encouraging.

I sighed softly and let my gaze wander over the ward room. My head began to rattle, like a train racing inexorably through my thoughts. Could I even do something like that? Could I get so close to someone without feelings? „Let's talk about something else," I mumbled thoughtfully. Because my thoughts automatically wandered to Hyunjin, who had stolen my first kiss. Inevitably, I also thought about whether he might even take my first time. Although he didn't strike me as someone who would be considerate of a virgin. More like someone who wouldn't give a shit about my feelings - he'd proved that when he'd kissed me without my permission.
I felt my cheeks get even hotter just thinking about how Hyunjin's lips had been on mine and how his hands had gripped my waist. I swallowed hard and tried to push my thoughts away, but they clung stubbornly.

Luckily, Jisung then started talking about something else and distracted me. The remaining hours passed quickly and we were able to go home.
Later, as I lay in my bed with the covers pulled up to my chin, my thoughts couldn't stop circling around Hyunjin. I stared at the ceiling above me while my mind worked incessantly, trying to block out the memory of his kiss, but it was no use. It felt like his lips were still burning on mine. The quiet ticking of the clock on my bedside table seemed like a relentless judge, condemning every second of my indecision.
Jisung's words wouldn't let go of me either and kept echoing inside me. Why was all this bothering me so much? A sigh escaped my lips and I wrapped the blanket tighter around me, as if it could offer me protection from my own thoughts.

At some point, tiredness caught up with me and I fell asleep exhausted.