ENG - Fractured Fates ʰʸᵘⁿˡᶦˣ

20

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With my heart still pounding furiously against my chest, I reached home and flopped into my bed. Ashamed, I pulled the covers over my head and hid under them. „What on earth is wrong with you?" I asked myself as I buried my face behind my hands. I could literally feel the shame and horror pulsing through my veins.
I had actually sat on his lap and kissed him. His lips had been soft and demanding and I had felt like I was in a trance when I had taken him by surprise with the kiss. And as if that hadn't been bad enough, I had assured him that I would sleep with him in three days. I'd promised him my body, all because of my impulsive actions.
„Oh my God," I mumbled into my hands, feeling myself getting incredibly hot. I pushed the blanket aside and gasped at the cool air that filled my empty bedroom. My chest rose and fell frantically in the desperate hope of calming myself down. But my breathing was intermittent, as if an invisible hand was strangling me.

My mind flashed back to the moment when I hurriedly left the hospital room after uttering those words. I held my breath, grabbed my blanket and pressed it to my face as I made a squeaking noise and kicked my legs frantically.
„My God," I mumbled again as I calmed down, but my heart was still beating up to my ears. „What am I going to do now?" I continued talking to myself as my eyes fell on my laptop, which was lying on my bedside table.
Should I read up on what sex was like?
Especially with two men?
Which part was I anyway?
My eyes widened at this question and I shook my head, slapping my own face with my hand. What a stupid question! There was every indication that I would be the passive part.

„Oh my God," I whimpered again, writhing my body as if it was in hellish pain. I let my upper body fall forward onto the bed. My whole body trembled as I remained in this position. My breathing was intermittent as I tried in vain to calm my racing thoughts and breathe deeply. But my thoughts were like a merry-go-round, spinning faster and faster and losing all control.
My hands trembled slightly and my stomach clenched as if it was being squeezed by invisible hands. The idea of what would happen in three days made me freeze. I was scared, terrified.
Why had I done this?
I had behaved like a child playing with fire without considering the consequences. I turned my head to the side as I had just pressed my face into the mattress. I was panting hard, as if gasping for air. „So if this is what being brave feels like, I never want to be again," I muttered to myself and closed my eyes.
The night I had promised him was playing out in my mind's eye and everything was going wrong that could only go wrong because I was completely inexperienced and nervous.
But it couldn't be like that, no way!

So I pulled myself together with a jerk and reached for my laptop, the cool, metallic casing of which contrasted sharply with my heated skin. I placed it on my lap, which was cramped from the tension.
My fingers slid hesitantly over the keyboard as I tried to suppress my rising nervousness. My heart pounded wildly in my chest, as if it wanted to jump out and run away, as I opened the laptop and went to the search engine. I stared forever at the blinking cursor in the search box, patiently waiting for me to enter something. But what should I even search for?
I nervously tapped my finger on the cold metal of the laptop and thought about it. I could literally hear my head rattling as if it were an old, rusty engine. When I started to type something in, I removed it again and continued to think about it. It all sounded so wrong, so inappropriate.

Finally, I hesitantly typed the words on how best to prepare for my first time into the search engine. My fingers trembled slightly as I waited for the results to appear on the screen.
The monitor cast a ghostly light on my face, reflecting the darkness of the room and adding to my fears and insecurities. A flood of articles and forum posts beamed at me. Each headline seemed to scream louder than the next to get my attention. I felt overwhelmed and helpless.
I simply clicked on the first link and started reading. The more I read, the more I doubted myself and my readiness for this step. There seemed to be so many different ways to have sex and I had no idea what to do. I didn't even know if I was really ready for it. The mere idea of sex made my cheeks flush and my heart beat even faster.

Then I came across a sentence on a forum that disturbed me. I read it to myself quietly, my voice barely more than a whisper in the silence of the room. „If you have the passive part in anal sex, it's best to take a shit before sex. Otherwise you'll feel like you're shitting yourself."
I audibly drew in my breath and my eyes widened in shock. Nevertheless, I didn't stop reading the other comments on the forum and it got worse and worse. „Of course, brown, smelly surprises during anal sex are not nice. That's why a shower is always recommended before a hot fuck." I felt my stomach tighten and I shuddered at the thought that something like this could happen to me.
Completely shocked by what I had read, I clenched my fist and bit into it tensely while my eyes continued to wander over the screen. „You should definitely pre-stretch. The best way to do this is with your finger or a dildo to get a feel for what it feels like to have something in your ass. Alternatively, you can also use things like candles, cucumbers, carrots or sticks."

On reflex, driven by shock and horror, I slammed the laptop screen down and stared at a blank spot in my room: my throat was getting drier with every sentence I read. My mouth twisted into a thin, worried line, reflecting the confusion and uncertainty that was inside me.
My hands, holding the laptop, began to sweat. The low hum of the device, which seemed to scream in the silence of the room, became an unbearable noise that hurt my ears. „What the...? Who uses food for something like this?" I asked myself, completely stunned, shaking my head violently as if to clear my mind of the horrible images that suddenly appeared.
This was definitely the wrong forum for me! Why on earth were these posts written in such a vulgar, antisocial way? Were there no normal, decent discussions?

I held my trembling hands in front of my face and stroked them a few times as if I wanted to wipe away the horrible images. „Impossible, I can't do this," I said to myself and tussled my hair before opening the laptop again after a while. There had to be normal posts that were less vulgar, and thank goodness I found some.
I was still incredibly uncomfortable reading through it and I could literally feel my face flushing as if it was on fire. Nevertheless, I read through everything so that at least I wasn't completely clueless.

Just as I was concentrating on reading the article, a loud advertisement suddenly appeared in front of my eyes, making me flinch, causing me to close the laptop in shock and almost throw it away. „God," I cursed out loud and tried to calm my breathing, which was quickening. I grabbed my heart, which must have been beating ten times faster than before. „Don't scare me like that..." The ad was like an unexpected blow to my already tense nerves.
I desperately needed a break. I was far too agitated. So I got up and went to the kitchen to make myself a soothing camomile tea. While I waited for the water to boil, I paced restlessly up and down the room, letting everything go through my head again.
It was just absurd, completely absurd.

With shaky hands, I poured the hot water over the tea bag and let it steep for a few minutes. The warmth of the tea slowly spread through me and I felt a little calmer. I took my laptop out of the bedroom and sat down on the couch in the living room. With a deep sigh, I opened the laptop and stared at the advertisement that was still emblazoned on the screen. And how could it have been otherwise? It was an advertisement for porn. Then I remembered Hyunjin's question about whether I had ever seen one. Should I really try it now? I mean, it would only be for my research, right? Maybe it would be good, right?

With a sense of uncertainty and a hint of pique, I pulled my bottom lip between my teeth and struggled with my thoughts. Finally, I sighed in surrender and typed 'porn' into the search bar. „This is so absurd," I muttered and clicked on the first page that came up.
A feeling of unease spread through me and I drew my eyebrows together. I turned my head a little to the side, but my eyes were still squinting at the screen as I tried to find the right category. I wasn't interested in porn with a woman.

Finally, I found some porn whose thumbnail didn't completely disturb me. I pressed play and a feeling of nervousness spread through me. „I think I'm going completely crazy now," I said to myself and reached for a cushion on the couch. I hugged it to me and leaned back to actually watch some porn.
The more the porn played, the more my eyebrows furrowed in horror. The passive performer didn't seem to be enjoying himself at all and the sounds he was making sounded anything but aroused. Or was that part of the act? I felt increasingly uncomfortable.

After spending 30 agonizingly long minutes watching about eight different positions, each with a prelude and epilogue, I felt even more distraught than before.
Did I have to go through all of this? Did I have to let it all happen to me too? „I'm going to die," I muttered firmly, and this time I didn't mean the inevitable death from my illness. No, I meant death by embarrassment and incredible shame if I embarrassed myself.
I desperately needed to cool down because my whole body was glowing like it was fifty degrees. I had completely forgotten about my tea.

As I put the pillow down and tried to stand up, I felt an uncomfortable tightness in my pants. Startled, I looked down and realized that I had actually got a hard-on. I was so incredibly focused on analyzing the porn that I hadn't even noticed. My eyes widened in shock and my mouth fell open. I looked at my bump as if it was the first time in my life I'd ever had one and felt completely overwhelmed.
I swallowed hard and held my hands in front of my middle in shame, as if someone was watching me. „No way," I said frantically and hurried to the bathroom. I didn't think what I'd seen was cool at all, but my body seemed to see it differently.

Once in the bathroom, I took off my clothes and tried to ignore my problem as best I could. I turned on the cold water, hoping to soothe my heated body, and leaned my head against the cold tiles. Stunned, I looked at my erection, which stood unwavering. Shaking my head, I raised my head again as if I was embarrassed and began to wash myself, still stubbornly ignoring my problem.
The water ran cold over my body, but it seemed as if it couldn't quench the heat inside me. My thoughts continued to revolve around the scenes I had seen and what awaited me in three days' time. But the longer I stood under the cool water, the more I felt my fear and uncertainty spreading through me.

When I got to my bottom with the wash, my breath caught and I hesitated. I had read countless times that you should try it yourself first to know what it felt like. My fingernails dug hesitantly into my own skin as I swallowed hard. Should I really seriously be inserting a finger myself?
„This is crazy," I whispered to myself, my voice barely audible, and shook my head, wanting to continue my washing routine. But again I paused, hesitating as I thoughtfully drew my lips between my teeth. My heart pounded restlessly in my chest and threatened to burst through my ribs. With a trembling hand, my finger slid slowly, uncertainly over my damp skin until it hesitated just before my entrance. Should I really do this? I had to, didn't I?

I thought about it for an eternity while the water pattered incessantly on my skin and drowned out my thoughts. Finally, I carefully moved my finger towards my entrance and tentatively stroked it. Unpleasant goose bumps spread over my entire body and I quickly pulled my hand away again. „No. Absolutely not. Never," I said quickly as my voice shook frantically and I turned off the water.
As quickly as I could, I slipped into my clothes as I retreated to the supposed safety of my bed. With trembling hands, I pulled my blanket over my head as if it could protect me from what was about to happen.
I was never ready for that.
No way in hell.
I'm calling this off! I was just a coward, I didn't care. I would never see him again anyway.

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