ENG - Fractured Fates ʰʸᵘⁿˡᶦˣ

19

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„Then prove to me that you want it. Sit on my lap and kiss me."

The silence that spread through the room became more and more oppressive, as if it wanted to drag me into a dark abyss. I felt my heart beating faster and faster, as if it was going to leap out of my chest at any moment and crash against the cold, gray stone walls. His words still echoed in my head and made me hesitate. I wanted to, but I was also afraid. I was afraid of the unknown, of what might happen.
I tried to calm my breathing and my hands balled into fists as I desperately tried to muster up the courage to do it. I knew what he wanted me to do, but I couldn't. I didn't dare sit on his lap and kiss him. My legs were shaking like aspen leaves and my body refused to take a single step towards him. My throat was dry and my thoughts were racing through my head like a wild storm.

He looked at me for a moment. His eyes were still as impenetrable as the night. He seemed to sense that I didn't dare and a soft sigh escaped his throat, accompanied by a barely noticeable shake of his head. „I knew it," he said with an indifference that made me feel even more insecure. He lowered his gaze to his cell phone again, its cold blue light sharply highlighting his features. „You should learn what you want before you make such an absurd request of someone. Although you should be glad that I refuse. I know people who wouldn't have given a shit," he added, his voice sounding as cold and hard as ice.

I swallowed hard, my throat was tight. My hands trembled slightly as I looked at him. I was such a coward. First I asked him for something so personal and then I backed down ridiculously. Maybe it just wasn't my way to be bold, to continue being the shy and retiring person I had always been. „I...," I began and faltered briefly. „I'm sorry," I mumbled as I felt my eyes glaze over and begin to burn.
I squinted up at him, but his gaze only continued to focus on that stupid device in his hand. A dismissive gesture from his hand made me flinch, as if he had physically touched me. He didn't think it necessary to give me an answer, not even a glance in my direction. With clenched teeth and a feeling of humiliation spreading like a heavy stone in my chest, I left the room, which now seemed even darker and more oppressive than before.

In the hallway, I leaned against the cold door and took a deep breath to calm myself down. What on earth had driven me to come up with this absurd idea? A complete stranger? It was obvious that he would refuse.
How could I think that just because he himself said he slept with a lot of people that he would do it with me just because I asked him to? That was just completely ridiculous. Who would willingly want to sleep with an inexperienced virgin?
I felt more and more tears welling up in my eyes and my heart beat faster and faster. Shaking my head, as if it would help me clear my head, I pushed myself away from the door and wiped my eyes once to remove the tears that were threatening to overflow.
With slow, hesitant steps, I walked through the dark corridor, which now seemed more threatening than ever. The shadows on the walls seemed to dance and whisper, as if they sensed my despair and shame.

When I reached the ward room, Jisung and Kazuha were still arguing, but I blocked them out completely. With the last of my strength, I sank down onto the worn couch, which looked so out of place there. If fate had it my way, I would die a virgin, and at that moment I didn't really care. I didn't want to be humiliated like that again. At least I had plucked up the courage to ask, even if everything else left a lot to be desired.
The rest of the night shift dragged on like chewing gum. I told Jisung that I wasn't feeling well and therefore couldn't do another round of checks, which luckily he agreed to do for me. I really didn't want to face Hyunjin again - I was far too embarrassed for that. He would be gone in three days anyway and I wouldn't have to see him again. Jisung wouldn't leave my side once he was back, but that was fine with me. When he wasn't trying to comfort me and worry about me, he was still arguing with our colleague.

At eight o'clock on the dot, I sat between my parents in the bare, sterile office of the supposed specialist for my unknown illness. We were here to go through the test results, which didn't come back positive anyway. My father was furious when he found out that I had been working instead of resting as ordered. His angry look and icy silence made me shudder. At the latest when we were in the car or at home, he would start.
Sighing, I listened to what the old man had to say. „To be honest, I'm surprised that Felix feels anything again. I've never experienced that in all my years," he began his explanation. „I spoke to a colleague from New York who is leading a study on paralysis. I think your son might be eligible for this study. She would like to include him in her study, but she would like to meet him in person first. He would also have to stay on site for a certain period of time to minimize the risks," he continued, addressing my parents directly, while I turned my gaze to my hands, which I buried between my legs.

Inwardly, I sighed a sigh that came from so deep within my soul that it was almost a cry of pain. I was on the verge of bursting into tears, but I held them back and felt them catch in my throat - like a bitter lump that choked off my air. Yet another trial, yet another new medication that didn't help anyway, except for further side effects that weakened my body even more. Yet another study, yet another new medication that didn't help anyway, except for further side effects that weakened my body even more. But I knew better. I could literally feel it in the cold clinical air of the doctor's room, how this new hope would be just another drop in the ocean that would evaporate in the end without having any effect.
„Give me your colleague's contact details and I'll get in touch with her immediately," my father said in a voice that quivered with determination and a hint of desperation. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw my mother nodding her head vigorously. Her eyes shone with unspoken pain and silent approval. Her hands, which had once held mine so tightly, now trembled as if they were made of glass.
But I didn't want that, not again. „No," I murmured softly, my voice little more than a breath threatening to break in the cold air of the room. I squeezed my legs together, my hands resting between them. „I don't want this."

I lifted my head and looked first at the doctor in front of us, whose eyes shimmered with compassion and understanding, and then once each at my parents, whose faces were marked by a mixture of hope and fear. „My darling, but why not? Maybe it will help you this time," my mother tried to convince me. Her voice was a plea that seemed to come straight from her heart, a plea that almost swayed me. But I just shook my head, my hair falling in front of my face like a curtain as if to hide my burgeoning tears. „I don't want any more," I said quietly and sighed, a sigh so full of despair and pain that it scared me. „All these examinations and studies are pointless. They've all achieved nothing and have only given you unnecessary hope that will be dashed in the end."

I paused for a moment and looked at my mother's face, which was streaming with tears that shimmered like shiny pearls on her pale skin. Her pain, her suffering, it was almost tangible.
I reached for her hand, which lay cold and fragile in mine. „I understand that you want the best for me," I said softly. My voice quivered with suppressed emotions that I could barely control. „But I just can't do it anymore. Every time you get your hopes up, they're dashed every time."
I let go of my mother's hand and wiped the tears from my face, which were now running uncontrollably down my cheeks. „I just want to live," I continued, my voice firmer than before. „I don't want to rush from trial to trial to drug to drug anymore. I just don't want any more. I almost died, yes, but that only made me realize even more that I couldn't enjoy my previous life. So at least I want to live the rest of my life the way I want to. I'm going to die and that's okay. I finished a long time ago and you have to do the same slowly, otherwise it will only be more painful in the end," I explained, trying to remain as calm as possible, even though my heart was threatening to burst in my chest.

I saw how my words hit my parents like an unexpected slap in the face. Their eyes widened in shock, their faces became even paler and their bodies seemed to freeze. It was as if time stood still, as if the world around us had ceased to exist and we were trapped in a bubble of silence and pain. But I knew that it was necessary for me to tell them the truth, even if it hurt, even if it tore my heart into a thousand pieces.
„My darling, we just want you to be okay," my mother said softly, her voice almost breaking, as if every word was filled with pain and despair. Her eyes shone wetly in the weak light coming through the window and her hands trembled slightly. „We can't just give up and watch you... how you..." She broke off, unable to say the words we were all thinking, knowing the words hung in the air like a death sentence, which they were.
„I know it's hard to accept that I'm going to die," I continued, my voice quiet but firm. „But I don't want to fight unnecessarily anymore. I don't want to spend my life running from doctor to doctor and changing from drug to drug. I just want to live while I still can. I just want to be happy before I go."

I watched her, saw the tears flowing inexorably down her pale cheeks, saw the profound despair and pure fear blazing in her eyes like a dark fire. At that moment, I realized that I had hurt her, that my words had stabbed her heart like an ice-cold dagger. My mother collapsed in despair, her shoulders shaking under the weight of her tears, while my father looked increasingly angry. „You're not going to do this," he almost shouted, his voice echoing menacingly through the room like a thunderclap in the silence. „You will join this trial if it's the last thing you do," he said angrily, his fists clenching.
I clenched my hands as well and my nails dug painfully into my palms. I knew he wasn't really angry. He was desperate, sad and he didn't know how else to deal with it, so now he was shouting. „You will not make this mistake by letting this chance go by. I will not let you make mistakes that could cost you your life," he continued. His voice almost broke, as if he was fighting his own emotions.

I shook my head wearily as I digested my father's words. A sigh as heavy as the weight on my shoulders escaped my lips. „It's my life," I said, my voice quivering with anger and sadness. „You can't make me do what you want. All those studies and drugs we tried before only made my condition worse. I suffered from it without you realizing it. I was the one who spent nights battling with pain and side effects. I don't want any more, and you have to live with that, it's my decision," I shouted, driven by a rage that threatened to consume me and a sadness that seemed to overwhelm me.
„What if I join this new trial and the drugs I'm supposed to get this time kill me because they're not compatible with my body? Then I'd be dead on the spot instead of us being able to spend some quality time together." My words hung heavy in the air, like a dark shadow that threatened to crush us all. My parents looked at me, their eyes full of pain and despair. I could see how much my words hurt them, but I couldn't help it. I could no longer be a part of this endless cycle of hope and disappointment.

My mother began to cry, quietly at first, then louder and louder, as if she was breaking a dam that had held back her tears for years. „Why do you have to do this? Why do you have to do this to us?" she pleaded, her voice choked with tears. My father said nothing, he just stood there, his hands clenched into fists, his eyes fixed on the floor as if he was trying to suppress the tears glistening in his eyes.
I sighed again and forced myself to stay calm. „I really love you both very much," I said quietly, my voice almost breaking, „But I can't anymore. I don't want to anymore. And I ask you to respect that."
My father shook his head and looked at me angrily again, his eyes flashing with anger. „No. You won't make that mistake," he said, but it only gave me a tired smile. „But I will, Dad. I'm going to start making mistakes like any other person, and you're not going to stop me," I said calmly and simply walked out of the room, leaving a silence as bleak as the darkness itself.
I had to do it, I had to tell them so. I no longer wanted them to spend their lives with unfulfilled hopes and drive their lives further into financial ruin because of me. I wanted them to understand that I no longer had the strength to fight. I no longer wanted to live the life of a guinea pig that I once was.

I walked down the cold, sterile hospital corridor with hurried, almost frantic steps. The neon lights on the ceiling flickered eerily and cast a harsh light onto the white floor. My heart pounded in my chest as if it wanted to burst out as I moved purposefully in one direction. I had never made a mistake in my entire life and had always followed the rules my parents demanded of me. But now it was time to make mistakes, and the first mistake was sitting behind the door I had just arrived in front of.
Briefly, I took a deep breath of the cool, disinfected air and felt a wave of euphoria and rebellion roll through me. For some reason, I felt liberated, as if a weight of tons had fallen from my shoulders that had weighed me down for years. With a jerk, I opened the door and entered the room.

My first mistake was to be Hyunjin, who was still sitting in his bed as he had been a few hours ago. The only difference was that this time he wasn't looking at his cell phone, but at the screen of the small TV in the room, which was emitting a flickering, dim light. Astonished that he obviously never slept, I closed the door behind me and walked towards him. His eyes wandered to me and he looked at me a little surprised, but he didn't say anything.
Without giving it much thought, without the chance to back out again, I crawled onto the bed and sat directly on his lap. I took his face in my hands, which were trembling with excitement and nervousness, and kissed him.
I could tell he was a little surprised, but he returned the kiss very quickly. Shortly afterwards, I could already feel his hands sliding along my sides until they reached my bottom and he grabbed it firmly and pressed me against him.

My heart pounded wildly in my chest as I broke the kiss again and looked into his dark eyes. „But not here," I began softly, almost whispering. „In three days, when you're released. Then I'll take you back to my place after my shift."

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