Please Remember Me

A touch of loneliness

"Dear Yoongi,

I am writing these letters with the intention of keeping them a secret till my death. I don't want you to read them when I'm alive and realise how weak your wife is. We don't talk like we used to after... After life happened.. you didn't even realise how distant you were becoming while I just sat back and watched you lose interest. I know if I asked you, you would deny..

You would say that it's nothing like that, everything is alright, you still love me. And I didn't ask because I know I would believe you. Believing you is like breathing.. it was supposed to be easy but I don't know why it's starting to choke me. My mind has been a mess lately. I can't sleep at night, I don't feel hungry anymore, I've lost interest in all those things that I used to love doing.

Our conversations are getting shorter and shorter each day and I'm painfully aware of that fact. But all I can do is be understanding. You have a life and a job that needs you. It's not something you can change and nor do I expect you to.

But my mind is taking your absence as abandonment. I always had you by my side, our late night talks, late night fights. We had a fair share of bitter moments but I wouldn't trade them for anything. Oh what I won't do to have those days back when I slept wrapped around your arms.

I just feel this unsaid distance between us that is not noticeable enough to address but evident enough to be hurtful. Maybe I did ask for too much... I hate when at the end of the day it's just me talking to myself. I Scrolled through my contact and found no one to talk to; Every time, when I can't sleep, I find no one to talk to. No one I can just vent my heart out to. I mean, yeah I can call Hari, but at this point it just feels selfish to do that. I'm never there for her so why expect her to be.

I expect everyone to treat me how I treat them. I hate feeling unheard. Sometimes, when I say that  'You should go and sleep, just leave me alone,' all I really want to hear "not like this... not without fixing it. Not while you are angry, not when things are not back to normal" but all I ever got is 'Yeah, bye'.

Maybe this is why I get so angry when these words are used. I wanted someone to fight to stay even if it was just for show but everyone showed me I'm not worth it. You said what you had to. You won't change and I can't change you. There's no point in fighting anymore. I thought I could but clearly I can't. So I'll stop now. I don't like taking space.. it just gives me anxiety,

I overthink and overthinking makes me do stupid things. I don't know why it's so difficult to just fight for me once. I really want to be shown that I am wanted, that you will fight to make me stay when I would want to leave.. that you will love me regardless of how needy I am.

I am tired of myself. I feel like I was a mistake in everyone's lives. There are times where I want to do nothing other than just fall asleep. That's the only escape I have from my thoughts but when I try, all the haunting thoughts crash back at me. I try to keep myself busy all day long but what do I do when it gets so lonely at night?

I recently started therapy. I'm seeing a therapist without telling you. Well, I did try informing you but you were busy that day. I knew I'll have to explain things to you so I just wanted a face to face conversation but that never happened. The wise lady told me that I should write down my negative thoughts and then burn them. But now that I'm writing them to you, I don't think I'll have the heart to burn them because even though you are not reading them, I feel like I'm talking to you.