Chapter 005 [With pain, comes gain]
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As I finished up the plate of curry rice-- something I thought I would never get to do again in my lifetime-- my phone buzzed on the wooden dining table.
[ Messenger - Shinonome Ena
1 New Message
what's your ig? i totally forgot to ask earli... ]Without so much as a speck of hesitation, I clicked on the notification with my hands trembling, just a little bit. It was the kind of shaking and fidgeting that you would feel when you were checking the lotto ticket numbers, or the kind that you crave when you're feeling uninspired. For me, this was the feeling I felt when Rui looked me straight in the eye, and scratched his nape in a hasty and busy motion; that's how I knew that he was thinking of me at the moment-- considering me as a person, and analysing each of my traits.
But maybe I was wrong all along, because perhaps instead he was thinking of how to reject me, and how to get that crazy girl off his back.
And yes, maybe I didn't know him as well as I thought I did.
And I thought I would never feel the way I did with him again.
Yet, when my mother tugged on my shirt and squeezed me in her bosom after dinner, I could only feel her warmth. No, I didn't think about being held in his arms just like this, because it wasn't him.
It was just Mom.
"Honey, you know... I was worried today," she whispered, and her voice tingled my ears gently. "It was scary to see you running out of the house so abruptly."
Mom is overthinking again, just like she did last time, when I was younger...
Right as I was about to reminisce, maybe something that I couldn't recall so well, she cut my thoughts off.
"Like last time, when you were younger. It was terrifying, like seeing you relive that moment... That day, you--" Almost like something was waiting to interfere, the lights cut out.
Mother whimpered, "Oh dear..." and I felt her warmth leaving me gradually, like the unbearably cold sensation I felt when I turned my back to Rui, and then I realised I was relating everything to him again.
It's always Rui.
Even when I'm scared, even when I'm cold, even when I'm at peace.
and that was a problem, because when it comes to Rui, I lose control of it all.
Just as I did in the past.
Distanced, detached, ignorant.
And I felt the warmth returning back to me, as the lights lit up one by one.
There is no Rui in my world. Not anymore.
Feeling a sting in my eyes, whether for the warmth or for the lack of, I decided to head to bed.
* * *
Somehow, I'd given myself enough courage to go to school. To get out of bed, even.
And once again, my blood-related caretakers continued acting like my parents. It was more bearable than it was the night before.
I really acclimate too fast. The way it's been only a day since I got zoomed back into the past and I'm perfectly fine is mildly concerning... I thought to myself, as I nibbled on the slice of toast my mother had prepared.
As I walked to school, the vibrant blue skies with clouds that seemed to emerge out of a painting looked as if they were trying to tell me something, because no sky had ever looked this free.
They had never nearly looked this beautiful.
I hoped, with all my heart, that they would stay that way.
* * *
Carefully I stepped into the school grounds, whipping my head around furiously to ensure that I wouldn't run into him; the only person I've talked to at this school since I came back one year.
In the process of dealing with my terrible luck with Rui and changing my fate, what mattered most was that I changed everything about myself, from head to toe.
My skills in makeup or styling may be helping me outwardly, but I totally need to get my act together.
I needed friends. Protective measures. I thought up, in my head, a list of few people I could attempt to befriend--
And I saw a sketchy hint of purple in my peripheral vision. Of course, when has luck ever been on my side when it comes to this guy?
I inched forward hesitantly, and I was too close to him to turn back.
Suddenly, we made eye contact.
The world seemed to stop moving, for even a split second.
I was the first one to break away, but I could feel his intense gaze even as I attempted to walk by nonchalantly.
"Y/N, your..." he began, and I almost gave in to the impulse to stop.
To stop walking, look at him, listen to him, and have a conversation.
Oh, what a joy that would have been for the me a year later. It's kind of ironic, most people don't think this way, do they?
With reinforced determination, I continued walking, with bigger strides. Directly past him, without any sort of pause.
My head began to ring, like a signal in a game. "Agh..." I let out a small, but audible groan, losing my balance as I focused on my aching head.
["Impertinance to your fate, for which one bows to, will always lead to one's own solecism."]
I fell to the ground as I lost my center of gravity in my feet. Rui, even behind my back, could be heard displaying his shock. It hurts, but it's honestly not big enough of a deal for him to care...
I was waiting for him to prove me right. Yet, the next thing I knew, he was pulling my arm to wrap around his neck and dragging me on a limp.
"I'll get you to the infirmary, Y/N."
he said, with a bitter sense of worry.
At the very least, I thought, I'm conscious this time.
Chapter 5 END
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thank you for enduring the veryvery long wait and being here despite my many excuses! 💘 im really glad i managed to wrap up this chapter how ive been tweaking and working it to become, and the story certainly has a stronger sense of structure now (at least in my super long plan draft...)
anyway, there has been a few repeating patterns in the plot, as well as a lack of some perspectives you might be curious about.
the issue with a first-person story is that it is based entirely on the protagonist's own understanding and mindset, beyond what is said directly or heard;
you could say i'm a bad author for not addressing that issue, or maybe you could say i plan to play around with that fact (>0<;)
one can never be too sure, lols
anyway, thank you for reading! chapter 6 will be out as soon as my break starts which is in one or two weeks 📜
writing my will already for my tests ‼️
goodbyee and
have a good one
-ffey
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