The Night I Found Home (The Forever Pirates) #1

027

Seonghwa

I busied myself in the kitchen, trying to come up with some sort of distraction at the moment. I was jumpy, extremely so. I wasn't used to being around this many people, especially this many people that weren't trying to kill me or Yeosang. 

And he was off with Jongho, reconnecting with the only man I'd ever entrust him with. I would not have let Yeosang go to someone less worthy than Jongho, who had cherished him for these many years. 

But in reality...I was struggling. 

I wish I could say it was easy leaving Yeosang alone with Jongho. I wish I could say it was easy leaving him alone with anyone. It was...or it should've been. Everyone who had a problem with Yeosang was dead, I made sure of that. And so did Hongjoong. Everyone else either had no problem with him or didn't even bat an eye towards his direction. 

But I had programmed myself to be cautious and keep him safe, to keep us both safe. And now suddenly everything was just supposed to be fine. But it wasn't fine, not to me. I felt like I didn't belong anymore. It's not like I ever really did. I was an outcast since the beginning, only here for one purpose and that was to be brought to the caves. Well, I served that purpose, and now my own was severely lacking. I had no idea what I was doing here, other than that Yeosang now had every reason to stay. 

I was fucking scared. 

I changed so much, forced myself to not trust another person, stop letting myself live so I could focus on surviving. I was still in survival mode. Never having a decent meal, or good night's sleep for more than a fucking year. Every time I close my eyes I see those caves, see those rotting siren's faces. Or the darkened eyes of whatever man I was forced to kill just so Yeosang and I...

I was right, it was easier for them to be okay with Yeosang now that the other pricks were gone. Because he was new to them. Being a siren was just something he was, and they were forced to accept it. 

I wasn't always like this. 

I was human. 

I still was...but was I even? 

I'm not a siren. I'm not completely human. I'm some sort of abomination. Too strong, too fast, too fucking perfect looking like some sort of uncanny porcelain doll in comparison to the real image. I had saw myself reflected in the eyes of all those bastards, but being reflected in Yejun's eyes? Wooyoung's? Fucking Yunho's or Mingi's...

People I knew. People I liked, or people I saw as family. 

I was different. 

Unrecognizable. 

My mission for the longest time was to get to the caves. And then my mission was to get back home. And then my mission was to protect Yeosang and find him his sailor. And now...I had no fucking purpose. 

Yeosang didn't need me anymore, the crew didn't need me, Hongjoong didn't need me. They all got what they needed. And I'm here. Fucking cleaning dishes because I'm so tired of being useless that I can't even fucking sleep. 

Yes, I was fucking washing dishes in candlelight in the middle of the fucking night like some kind of fucking freak. 

One of the dishes broke in the tub and I let out a sob, dropped the shards inside the soapy bucket, and slammed my palms against the edge. Whatever happened to me meant I could keep functioning without food and water and sleep. I went days to weeks starving on our journey, and I was still walking even after it all. My stamina was freakishly good. Everything about me was elevated. 

Not to some "gift" standard. To some fucking alien bullshit. I wasn't a siren. 

But I wasn't completely human. 

It hours until sunrise, and at this point, I should just clean the whole fucking ship, top to bottom just so I could feel useful again. 

My mind was a storm and I hadn't let myself feel any of it. Even the pain of abandonment and betrayal that haunted my every thoughts, I refused to let it creep into my mind because they stayed for a month. And they didn't know what would happen to me. But just because your brain knows something...doesn't mean it fucking matters. Doesn't mean that it doesn't affect the way you think and breathe and live. 

Because the truth was I trusted them, captors or not, I fucking trusted them. And I was left for dead, to be eaten by sirens because all I ever was, and all I'd ever be...was their sacrifice. Regretful or not, did they not get what they had originally wanted?

Why did it take them this to make them realize they needed me? And do they even now? Maybe they wanted the old me back. I was afraid that this me was too far unrecognizable. Too fucking broken. 

Pain. 

That's what I felt. 

Pain. 

***

I had been in the crow nest all morning, not getting even a wink of sleep. My insane fear of heights be damned. Sure, I almost cried the whole way up here, but it was the only place no one would look for me. They knew I'd never choose to come up here, and nobody could actually see me anyway. The crewmates were awake, I heard them rustling about as they got ready for the day, deciding if they should stay docked longer as today was the festival, or if they should just leave as they've already been docking here for months. 

They had moved the conversation elsewhere so I didn't hear their decision. 

I was still tired, in an astronomical sense. 

I did my duties and now it was over. I'd do them again once everyone was asleep. I'd become a ghost if I could choose to be. Everything inside me was shards of glass and abandoned homes. I could barely feel or dream as it was. I knew my state was dangerous for me, not even caring if I was actually alive or not and wishing for sleep more than anything in the world. 

I didn't know how to let myself really smile or feel, how to rid my body of its tension or stress. I just wanted to sleep. I'm sure that would fix most of my problems. But falling asleep? And then actually resting during it? Impossible. I had focused on being strong for so very long that it had finally caught up to me, and I realized I had never been strong. I had just pushed my problems to the side and forgot about them. Well, here I am. And here are those problems. And I was being crushed underneath the weight of them. 

I stared at this cloud in the sky endlessly, watching as it shifted and moved around. My vision was blurry but every time I wanted to close my eyes and doze off, alarms would ring in my brain and make me sit back up. People's touches, the coldness and darkness of the water, the blistering heat or the starvation in my gut. It was all there, right at reach. 

If I was able to be a little pathetic here, I just really wanted to collapse and shatter in front of someone, but have them reach down and gather all the pieces and put them back together, lovingly. I wanted something gentle and kind. I wanted a break for once in my fucking life. 

But that was just a fucking fantasy. 

Except, I wasn't sure I'd be able to keep going without one. 

A/N: I'm sorry that this chapter is a lot shorter than my other ones, it's a bit of a filler chapter but I think Seonghwa's state of mind is important to show.