Losing His Fix

8

Roland's POV

I sat on the porch of the front office. The sun was still too bright, the kids were still too loud, and the bugs were still annoying but it was worth it considering who I was about to talk to.

Call Day had just started but I wanted to be there the second Kit was allowed to call in case he was the first one and I missed it. We would need to make a schedule for next time but for now, it was okay.

"Early again," Mary noted as she stepped out onto the porch and took a seat beside me.

"We need to make a schedule so we both aren't in the dark when it's time to call," I told her, still not taking my eyes off the field in front of me. The same kids as last week were out playing a different game. It looked like kickball but they seemed to have put some twist on the rules because that was not how kickball was played.

"You could join them," Mary said after a while of watching me stare. "I promise I'll come get you when Kit calls."

"I don't want to play. I don't know them or the rules and I don't like sports." Mary frowned but didn't offer again.

"Roland I'm getting worried about you," she said with a sigh. My throat closed up and my heart seized. The 'getting worried' talk was never a good one for me. It mostly came from foster parents only weeks before I was moved. I didn't want to get moved from here. It may have sucked sometimes and the people were mean but foster care was worse and I didn't even want to think about jail. "You don't have any friends, you never talk to anyone, the only thing you seem to enjoy here is your cars."

"I do like my cars," I forced out, my throat barely letting any words out.

"And the rest of it? All you do is sit in your cabin and work. Camp is about making friends and getting better and it feels like you aren't really doing those things."

"What do I need to get better at," I asked because obviously I had done something wrong and if I wanted to stay here I needed to make up for it.

"Not get better," she said with a sigh. "I misspoke. More like healing. Camp is about healing your mental state after the trauma and making sure you won't go down the same road when you leave."

"I won't need to steal anymore after I leave. I won't be homeless then."

"And the trauma?"

"I don't have trauma."

"You don't think so?"

"No."

"I think most people would say trauma would occur after seeing your dad die, then seeing your mom dead, and then going into foster care where people weren't very kind to you. You don't see that as traumatic?"

"It was sad when Dad died," I said honestly, choosing to stare at the kids playing and risk looking at Mary. "I miss him and it was sad but it's okay now. Mom was mean after he died and I had expected it. Untreated depression leads to death sometimes. It's normal. Foster care is bad for half of the people in it so that's normal too. I'm okay."

"But you shouldn't be okay with that," Mary said, sounding a little upset. "People have wronged you. You should be upset or sad or have some emotion about it other than just indifference."

"Why does it matter what I feel," I asked her, finally breaking away from the game. Mary was openly staring at me. She had a defeated look on her face as she sighed and dropped her shoulders.

"Because your feelings matter. I just want you to know that you won't be punished or anything if you have feelings or emotions. If you need to scream then I want you to scream. If you need to cry then I want you to cry. But if you say you're okay then I will believe you."

"I'm okay." She took a deep breath before nodding.

"Okay. Will you come to me if you ever aren't okay?"

"Sure," I said and I think we both knew better than to believe that. Mary looked like she was about to say something else when her phone rang. I didn't bother trying to hide my excitement when I openly stared at the screen. Somewhere in the back of my mind my mother was screaming that it was rude and I should mind my manners but I didn't care because Kit's name was flashing across the screen.

She only smiled as she handed the phone to me.

"Take a walk if you want," she said as she stood up. "Or hang out in your cabin. Just remember to drop my phone off when you're done."

Kit's POV