Losing His Fix

19

Roland's POV

"How was your first day of classes for senior year," Andrew asked with a wide smile the second I sat down in the chair across from him.

"Fine," I said with a shrug. His smile quickly turned into a frown and I knew I had already messed up but I couldn't really find it in myself to care.

Summer had gone by way too fast. Kit left 3 months ago and I hadn't seen him in person for weeks. I had thought that when Mary allowed our outing we could see each other at least once a month but that didn't seem to be the case.

"I want to go see Kit again," I told Mary the second I walked into her office. Her eyes went wide as she stood up from the desk quickly, her eyes cutting to the main office beyond the door. A couple of kids were out there waiting for Call-Day to start but they weren't paying any attention to us. Still, Mary didn't say a word until the door was shut and she was back seated at her desk.

"We talked about this Roland, no one is supposed to know about that," she said with a light glare. "You have to be careful about who you say that around. We can't be caught giving you special treatment, especially since you're technically on parole, and leaving camp for anything other than selling cars breaks that parole."

"No one even noticed I came in here," I shrugged, they were all too busy with their own things to care what I did. Hell, most of them didn't even know I existed.

"Regardless, it would make me feel a lot better if you didn't go around announcing that without checking if people are around. We could both get in serious trouble." I nodded but it was mostly to get her to move on and focus on the task at hand.

"Alright, I won't. I want to see Kit again." Mary sighed as she slumped farther back into her chair.

"I know you do but it's only been a few days since the last time. You two lasted months before then. I don't think you understand the risks we have in breaking your parole. You could go to jail, the camp could get shut down, and every kid here would have to go to jail with you or get sent to foster care. We can't take these risks lightly. You and Kit seeing each other will have to be done carefully and not often. This will have to be reserved for when one of you is in a really bad place and the other is the only thing that will help." I frowned and bit my lip.

"What if I said I was suicidal," I asked, trying to figure ways around this. Mary's eyes went wide and some of the color drained from her face.

"We can get you better help if you need it," Mary said carefully. "If camp isn't helping you as much as we thought, we can talk about you going to a mental health facility for a bit."

"But no Kit?"

"Kit is not the answer to all of your problems Roland," she said a bit too harshly. My nails dug into the pads of my thumbs as I looked down at the ground. "And suicide is not taken lightly here. If you are talking about ending your life we will take precautions. Facilities, more therapy, medications; you are a ward of the state and under my care, I will not have you using your mental health as an excuse to see your boyfriend when you weren't even supposed to see him in the first place."

"Kit helps," I told her. It was meant to come out strong but my voice cracked and wobbled as tears started clouding my vision.

I had been trying to get on Mary's good side again ever since my grounding but no matter what I did it seemed like I only dug my grave deeper. I wanted to go home. I wanted to forget about all of this. I just wanted things to go back to normal. Normal where I had Kit by my side every day. Normal where I didn't have to talk to Mary. Normal when Andrew didn't always look at me like a kicked shelter dog.

I never thought that I would miss the early days of Camp but I did. This new camp was lonely and everything I did was wrong in one way or another. If I didn't go to the shop, people worried. If I stayed in the shop all day, I was working myself too hard. If all I talked about was Kit, it was concerning. If I stopped bringing him up, they asked about him to make sure nothing had happened. If I stayed in the cabin all day, I was depressed. If I stayed outside, I was hiding from something that even I didn't know about. Nothing I did was the right thing to do and I missed having someone to talk to that didn't over-analyze every step I took.

I was never good at friends. I wasn't good at making them. I certainly wasn't good at keeping them around. I always thought that I was fine being alone. It was easier to be alone. No one talked to you, no one tried to get your opinions about things you didn't care about, and no one pretended to care until you needed them.

It was easier with Kit though. He didn't do those things and being around him became normal. Now that he was gone it became clear how much I relied on having someone around all the time and I hated it. I found myself turning to say something to him only for him to not be standing beside me.

"I don't like the co-dependant tendencies you're displaying with Kit," Mary said after a long sigh. My eyes were still trained on the ground but I could tell she was staring at me with that smile that seemed to be permanently stitched onto her face these days. "I was hoping time apart would curb the signs I was seeing but it seems to have only made it worse. I'm going to talk to Andrew about this but in the meantime, I will tell you, that seeing Kit will be reserved for special occasions and if I think it would help more than anything else and not make your tendencies worse. Do you understand that?"

"We talked about you making new friends on the first day," Andrew said, a smile hiding the disappointment on his face, as if he already knew the answer to the question he hadn't even asked yet. "How did that go?"

"Unfortunately, most of them still remember that I'm the weird kid who gets to work on cars so no one spoke to me."

"You didn't try talking to any of them?"

"Most of them were all grouped up already. I didn't want to insert myself into a whole new group."

"I know there are a few other shy kids in your homeroom, why didn't you talk to them?"

"Andrew, I'm the shy kid in my homeroom. I'm not good at this. I know that any kid that is still sitting alone in senior year is probably sitting alone on purpose." He frowned at me and I fought the urge to look away.

"What if I found you a friend," Andrew said with a wide smile as he leaned forward to put his elbows on the desk.

"That seems like a really weird way to make friends."

"But you would have them," he said with a shrug. "Making friends was part of the agreement. You don't have to be best friends with them but you do have to try. At the very least just someone to talk to before class and for homework or something."

"I know," I sighed. I didn't like it but it was the only real option at this point. After talking to Andrew, Mary decided the Kit situation would be discussed in a few months depending on how the 'co-dependant tendencies' were handled and what progress was made. Andrew said that making new friends could help me not rely on Kit as much so that's what we were trying to work towards. If after a few months of me still wanting to see Kit every second of the day, which was apparently not healthy, we would try something else. If things got better, seeing Kit every now and then as a small 'reward' could be discussed.

"So, can I find you a friend or do you want a few more days to make an attempt?" I bit my lip but the answer was easy to find.

"I can do it. I'll talk to someone tomorrow. I promise." Because the keyword was that I had to try to make friends. They never said that I had to be successful and it meant seeing Kit, I would suffer through a few awkward moments.

Andrew smiled but it didn't reach his eyes. I knew he didn't believe me and i couldn't blame him. I didn't overly believe myself but I would at least try. I would try this one thing for Kit. I've introduced myself to strangers before. I could do it again. I would just be better this time.

"I can do it," I said again, my voice coming out harsher this time. He nodded and leaned back in his chair again before closing the folder in front of us. I took this as my sign that we were done and didn't bother looking back as I ran for the door.

My homework was already done and I didn't work on my cars on therapy day so I had the next 8 hours to try and come up with a plan on how to make a friend before homeroom tomorrow. I could do it. For Kit I could do it.