Dear Haru - Haru x Rin

Dear Rin

A/N

Okay, so I've been told by people that they would like a sequel to Dear Haru, so here it is. I present to you: Dear Rin. I'm really tired right now, so sorry for any mistakes. Writing this made me cry lmao.

Dear Rin,

There were so many things I didn't tell you too. Too many. I'm sorry. I couldn't express my feelings either. I've never been good at that sort of thing, you know I haven't.

There were too many things.

The first time we swam together, Rin, I didn't feel the same as you. To be honest, I didn't pay much attention to you. And I had no idea how far we would come in the later years. Now, looking back at that moment, maybe I could have done things differently, although I'm not sure how much difference it would've made.

When we first became friends in middle school, Rin, I wasn't sure what to think of you. I couldn't make up my mind about you. You were so complicated and I didn't know how to act around you. It sounds so so cliche, but you were like a car crash. I wanted to look away, but I couldn't.

I sent you all those cold glances, Rin, because I didn't know how to do anything else. I wasn't used to letting people in, but there was something in your air that just made me want to for you. I wanted to just open up to you, but part of me held myself back and I don't know what was wrong with me. However, I did try hard. Like the time I shared my lunch with you. That was me trying to open up.

The time you laughed so hard you fell into the pool, Rin, I just had to drag you out. I didn't even think. It was instinct. I had to protect you. Back then, I put it down to just being really good friends. Now, I'm not quite sure.

There were too many things.

The time you wrote For The Team on your brick, Rin, I was speechless. I didn't know why, but nowadays I think it was because you could have written anything on your brick, but what you wrote included me. Whenever, you thought about me in ways like that, I loved it. I pretend that I didn't back then. I pretend so hard that I even fooled myself, but what you wrote on that brick ignited something in me. Almost like a punch in the face. Team, that's what we were. And in a way, I lived for that. I did everything for swimming, for the team.

When you told me you were moving to Australia, Rin, I couldn't believe it. It was a reality check and it felt like all the bones in my body shattered. It made me realise how much I needed you. My mind couldn't seem to process the fact that you were leaving. I was in denial for a long time. I couldn't face the fact that you were gone and I missed you so so much. In that moment when you told me, my world crumbled to the ground, and I was forced to live there. You held up my entire world.

When you asked me to swim the relay with you, Rin, I couldn't refuse. You had told me you were leaving, and I didn't care what I had said previously. Screw only swimming free if it meant I got to swim with you one last time. In that moment, I would've broken down all of my boundaries for you, because I realised how much I was going to miss you. I couldn't bear to see you go. I wanted, no needed to swim the relay with you.

Then, Rin, when you said "Romantic, right?", I started to think that maybe it was. I always dismissed the thought because I thought it was stupid. We were just best friends. That's all. Now, though, I think differently. And that scene was so so bittersweet. The scenery was so pretty, you had finally managed to break down some of my walls, but you were leaving. And I wasn't sure how to take that. And, damn, I think that day might have been my best had it not been for that one piece of life-shattering news. Yeah, romantic. Painfully, but nevertheless, romantic.

I loved middle school too, Rin, I just found it hard to express that. And then, when you moved to Australia, it killed me. It felt like my heart had been ripped right out of my chest. It hurt so so bad, and not being able to see you was almost more than I could bear.

There were too many things.

When you moved to Australia, Rin, nothing really felt right anymore. It felt like you had abandoned us. I was worried for you. After all, you hardly knew any English. And my life felt so empty without you. I had taken you for granted before and I realised that when you moved to Australia. I got to a point where I didn't care how selfish I was being, I wanted you back.

When you were in Australia, Rin, I looked at the brick you had written on a lot. For The Team. Those words gave me strength. Even if you weren't physically with me, no amount of wishing could change that, so I would go and run my fingers along your brick, tracing all its bumps, knowing that your fingers had touched them before. It helped a lot.

After you had gone, Rin, swimming didn't feel right. Because without you, it wasn't normal. We weren't a team and swimming without you felt so dull and so wrong.

It felt so horrible to not have you there, Rin, but I got through it. All the memories of you, all the little marks you made on my life, they kept me going. Whenever I thought of them, I realised that it would be okay, even if you weren't physically beside me.

There were too many things.

All this time, Rin, I can't believe you thought I didn't love you back. Of course I did, I still do. Not to be cheesy, but you've practically left a handprint on my heart. If anything, it should've been me who thought that you didn't love me. Because how could you love someone who had given you almost nothing to love. All the things you said in your letter, they meant so much to you. I don't understand how. Maybe you're thinking the same about all the things I've put in this letter.

When I begun this, Rin, I was just going to paraphrase your letter, but screw that. Because yesterday I received the news that you had died in a plane crash. You deserve more than a paraphrasing. Because I lost you before I could tell you how I feel. It hurts so much. How could you leave me like this? It hurts, Rin. IT HURTS. And for the past few hours I've been sobbing and hating myself because you died thinking that I didn't love you back. HOW COULD I DO THAT TO YOU??

I regret it, Rin. I'm so sorry. I'm crying, even now. It was bad enough when you were in Australia, but now you aren't coming back. There isn't even a chance. HOW CAN I LIVE WITHOUT YOU RIN? I NEEDED YOU! AND YOU FUCKING LEFT ME!

No. I'm sorry. This isn't your fault. But, I'm sorry. With the way I'm feeling right now, maybe I'll see you soon.

Thank you for everything

Haru