If You'd Be So Willing

jesus christ, that's a pretty face

"Well, Jesus Christ, I'm not scared to die, I'm a little bit scared of what comes after. Do I get the gold chariot? Do I float through the ceiling? Do I divide and fall apart?" - Jesus Christ by Brand New

Alex looked over to her peacefully sleeping wife. She couldn't make out her features well in the dim light of the hotel room, but they had been together long enough that Alex could probably draw them from memory.

Kelley had been sleeping for hours, while Alex had been wide awake staring at ceiling like she wasn't at one of the most important tournaments of her career. And fuck, she needed to sleep to be at her best, but she just couldn't. She couldn't sleep.

There were so many thoughts about so many different things running up and down the hills and valleys of her mind. None of them more important than the other, but all fighting for her attention.

This feeling how unwelcome, wasn't new.  It was her own doing. It was the guilt. The guilt gnawed at the gray matter of her brain like a parasite. The guilt kept her up at night.

And she hadn't done anything. Not really. But she had thought about. Dreamed about when exhaustion finally did overwhelm her in the wee hours of the morning. She wanted it. Longed for it.

Alex was guilty of wanting to leave the bed she was currently lying naked in beside her equally naked wife.

Alex was guilty of saying no to the right people and yes to the wrong ones.

Alex was guilty of being selfish.

And in her defense, you caught her off gaurd.

She didn't expect you. She didn't expect to like you. She didn't expect you to like her. Friend or otherwise. She didn't expect you to ask her about her liking you. You didn't expect her to lie.

Every night she prayed you understood. Maybe that's why she couldn't sleep. She prayed you understood that she was a married woman. Had been for five years. And she was loyal or at least she tried to be.

Kelley didn't deserve any of that. She couldn't do that to her.

Alex couldn't do a lot of things.

She couldn't trust herself around you. It was she who had leaned in. It was you who leaned away.

She couldn't stay away from you. It was she who had leaned in. It was you who leaned away.

She couldn't fucking sleep.

Kelley shifted away from Alex in her sleep. Turning her head in the opposite direction with a soft snore.

Alex timed her escape perfectly. She sat up and peeled herself away from the mattress in time with Kelley's movement.

She was ever thankful they weren't in Olympic Village with the horrible cardboard beds.

She put on the US Soccer shirt that was laying at the foot of the bed, then found a pair of miscellaneous shorts in her suitcase. Slipping those on before shoving her feet into nearby slides.

She wouldn't be gone for long. She just needed a break. A walk around the hotel to clear her head.

Slipping out of the room undetected was as easy as slipping out of her bed. Once in the hallway, she sighed heavily and shook her head.

Her walk eventually found her at the hotel pool. She used her key card to unlock the door, the sound startling a person who had the same idea as her.