DAZED (wlw)

Chapter 16: Takotsubo Syndrome

The last time I was in the hospital, I ended a three-year long relationship and broke the heart of someone who have prioritized me over anything else within the time that we were together.
Looking over the white painted ceiling I remembered her name, ‘Jade’.

But try as I may I could not remember her smell, the sound of her voice or the warmth of her hug. The only thing echoing within my brain was her name, ‘Jade Damon’.

“Sam! Are you listening?”, my sister asked, observing my empty look. I shrugged my thoughts away and turned my head to look at her.

“What got you stressed out this time that made you faint? And don’t make up a stupid lie like you did last time. Thinking back, you had the same diagnosis”, she looked at me skeptical and was about to add something when Alexis came in.

There was an awkward silence for a moment before my sister turned to leave with an excuse of getting herself something to eat.

I could feel Alexis’ presence in the room and the way she just stood still but I could not find myself to look at her. If I had the courage to convince myself that it was an illusion out from my burst of sudden joy then maybe, I could stand weakly and run into her arms.

After a long silence, I heard her small strides coming nearer the bed and slowly sat beside it. I was facing the opposite so I can’t see her face and discern what she was feeling. I was not in fact mad but I was numb, unable to feel an ounce of blood rushing through my nerves. Every tiny bit of feelings I had had been locked away when my body failed to withstand the burst of emotions I felt that moment. When I saw her lips locking with another.

“I remember that hospitals isn’t to your liking”, she sighed. Her voice was low and soft. My reply was silence, complete and utter silence.

“I’m sorry. She just suddenly kissed me and I was stunned. Also, I’m sorry for not telling you that she arrived to town and that she came to find me”

“When?”, I asked dryly, suppressing the desire to ask all the questions in my mind.

“She came to find me last month, I met with her a few times just to talk then the last time was that night. We talked, I told her about you and we established that we were better off as friends. That night was her flight home”, she explained, her voice was stagnant with little sighs coming out in between words.

I went silent for a while, thinking.

“Why?”, it was one word. I know she knows what it meant.

‘Why did you not tell me?’

“You have been feeling down since the visit home and I didn’t want to give you something to think about. You’re already dealing with something so…”

There was silence and not another word came out of her mouth. ‘What’s the point of this relationship if such secrets are to be left hidden because it would pressure me?! It was her ex for god’s sake!’, I gritted my teeth in annoyance but I could not utter the words. There was a rustle behind when she stood and walked towards the door.

‘Is she leaving after dumping all that to me? Is she running away like she did to me or even ‘her’, Emily?’

I breathed in and gripped the blanked, closing my eyes, pretending not to hear the closing of the door, yet, a click was heard. She did not open the door to leave but she locked it and came over.

Without my permission, she silently climbed on the bed, laid down and hugged me from behind, whispering how sorry she was.

The feeling of aggression was washed away by the sound of her voice in my ears. Everything in me just went into a halt and all I could do was to lay still in silence, succumbing into her tight and warm embrace.

Hours passed swiftly like the city outside that switched to the noisy night life. I was awakened and thought of how my sister didn’t come back from her mission to scavenger for food. Then, my senses heightened with the sensation of warmth soft breathes that lingered on my neck. It made me feel a bit euphoric and warm.

She had stayed. Hearing her breathe, feeling her warm body that sticked closely to mine and how her hands would twitch and would unconsciously move to feel my presence has held an uncontrollable happiness in my heart.

‘Damn that lady! Emily or whatever!’, I shifted facing her and caressed her face. Slowly, my attention has left me getting closer and closer until I could reach out my face and kiss her, deeply until she woke in a gasp but opened her mouth anyway. It only lasted for a few seconds when I pulled myself away, biting her lower lip in the process and gaining another painful gasp.

The dimly lit room was soon filled with light when I stuttered away from the bed and walked weakly towards the open comfort room. Nothing was coming off my mind but the thought of scrubbing my teeth squeaky-clean, until I was totally comforted with the idea that the remnants of the kiss they had shared was washed away.

“What are you doing?”, Alexis appeared by the doorway. I spit and looked at myself in the mirror, a pity came over me, staring at my unkempt state.

“Brush. You too. Brush your teeth”, I demanded in a tone that can not be in whatsoever retorted unless she wanted to start a fight.

Her hands raised above her shoulders in surrender and shuffled on the drawers for an extra brush. She started to scrub her teeth while looking at me in the mirror, purposely opening her mouth for a big wide smile when my eyes landed on her reflection. Thinking back, it was hilarious but my mind was occupied that moment with a bit of bitterness that I could not find myself to laugh or to smile.

“Your IV drop was finished while you were asleep and the doctor said that you can go today”, Alexis stated when we were out of the comfort room.

“Where’s my sister?”, I asked, grabbing my things and staffing them on the small bag my sister chose to use. Alexis took the bag in my hand and started to fold the clothes neatly before putting them into the bag.

“I told her that I’ll be taking you home”, she said indifferently, zipping the bag.

“Sammy, move in with me”, she continued, staring at me, observing every emotion that flowed on my face.

With no reason, I felt annoyed and angry. My breathe was heavy and my weak body trembled in agony, caused by the sudden fluctuation of emotions.

“Don’t… Alexis don’t. Do not just pretend that nothing happened! Yes! Yes, you said sorry! You said your piece but what about mine huh?! What about mine!”, I talked in anger but not to the point that I was erupting in rage. It was a tone that seemed controlled but at the same time vulgar.

She was silent, she stood still staring at me with pain in her eyes that somehow, it felt like I was the one in the wrong. Indeed, I was wrong for being angry at something that was not entirely her fault but it also felt like I wanted to let it all out.

“You know”, I breathed out.

“I was so happy to go see you that night. I was happy because I have just had dinner with my dad whom I met after years of us playing cat and mouse. I wanted to share that happiness with you. I wanted to at least tell you that and see some of the gloom that I have noticed built up in you those past few days disappear even if it was just a spur of a moment… but who knew?! That the one giving you that gloomy aura was one of your exes! Of all people, it’s her?”, my words went to a near whisper at the end of my words and my eyes was suddenly brimming with tears.

The bag that was on her hands slipped to the floor, her strides were swift and silent when she pulled me into her arms. It was like a wind had whipped my hair flowing, her tears that fell with mine which dropped on my shoulders were like the rain in the sky, and our hearts that pounded in sync were like thunder that echoed loudly throughout the room.

That was called as our reconciliation. It was when our hearts were truly open, where our walls were finally crashed down and how we finally started to understand what the word ‘us’ really meant.