The Rose

CONFESSION

I walked in my mama's room slowly. I thought she would be angry bust she wasn't. "Come in baby." She said. I sat on her bed next to where she was lying. She looked at me straight in the eyes but I looked away.

"Baby you know you're mama's only child?" "Yes mama I know." "You know mommy wants grandchildren?" I ignored her. "Baby please don't do this to me, it will break me into pieces." She said, I looked at her but didn't say a word.
She started crying and now I didn't know what to do nor say, "mama what you on about?" I pulled a confused face.

She looked at me deeply in the eyes. "Nelsea are you lesbian?" She asked and I just slid down on the edge of her bed and sat on the floor. "Are you going to answer me?" She asked. "Yes mama, I love girls." I replied and buried my head between my knees. She was silent for a while.

"This is killing me, I'm really hurt." My mom said and started crying uncontrollably. I tried to comfort her but she never stopped. "Ok mom I'll try to change, I'll try to stop loving girls...I promise." I said and she wiped her tears then gave me a tight hug, I felt like pushing her away. I didn't hug her back.

I felt like crying, I thought she had to be the one to support me in whatever decision I make in life. This wasn't even a decision, I never chose to love girls.

I needed to be comforted after what I've promised my mom. I didn't feel good about it at all. I was not happy. I asked Jordan to meet up with me at Carmen's Coffee Café. We were both there within forty five minutes.

"You don't look ok, you sure coffee will do you good? Seems like you need vodka." She laughed. I couldn't. Jordan noticed my mood was worse than ever, she gave me a warm hug. "What's wrong Nelsea?" She asked, the waiter came in our direction. We both had coffee but I asked the waiter to make mine stronger with no milk. Jordan had a blueberry muffin, I was fine with just the coffee.

"As I was saying...no wait you had to tell me what's wrong." Jordan reminded me. "My mom knows I'm lesbian and she wants me to change. I don't know if I'll be able to." I said. Jordan was silent, she looked surprised. I continued "She heard Liz telling me that she's not lesbian and I am, well that's a story for another day. So we had a talk about it this morning. I promised her that I will change...I don't know what to do Dudu."

Jordan longed a sigh. "I thought you didn't want her to know about it, well not just yet." She said. "I didn't. I didn't want her to find out this way either, but she did and I thought I should just admit." I felt like beating myself for admitting.

"Remember your happiness comes first, you're going to live with yourself for the rest of your life and not your mom. It's ok to please her but only if it benefits you too. It's your life Didi. You can't force yourself to love boys. Can you even imagine yourself with a boy for a second?" Jordan advised me.
The thought of dating a boy rolled in my head, I felt like I was going insane. I couldn't do it! Not now not ever.

We had a long talk, Jordan went on about making me realise how it's all about me before anyone else. I had made up my mind after talking with my bestie. I am lesbian and I will not change for anyone.

"It's getting late I think we should get going now." Jordan suggested. "I don't feel like going home but I guess I've got no choice." I said. "I love you Didi." "I love you more Dudu." We went separate ways.

When I got home my mom was in the kitchen. I was trying to avoid her so I went to the TV room, the TV was on so I reckoned she was watching it, I went to my room. I started reading a book I got from the library two days ago, 'This Daughter Of Mine'.

After reading four chapters I put the book down and closed my eyes; I analysed my life. I thought about the future, a lot actually went through my mind. I decided to tell my mother that I can not change who I am.

I went to the TV room, she was still watching TV and I sat on a couch furthest from her's. "Mama I want to tell you something." I said and she muted the TV's volume then looked at me giving me all her attention. "Mama I'm sorry but I don't think I'll be able to date boys. I just can't, I love girls mama." I said and surprisingly she didn't cry. "Ok then we have to tell your grandpa." She said.

My stress level increased. I wasn't coping with my mom I don't know how I was going to with my grandpa. My grandpa was a preacher, he was a strong believer. He bought me a bible every year on my birthday and I was probably going to get the 18th one before time.

"But mama?" I looked at her in disbelief. "We have to Nel." She said as if she didn't care anymore. "Ok then but when?" I asked her. "The week after next, remember we're having a family gathering this Saturday? And we can't tell him when everyone else will be here too." She stated.