Frayed Bonds - A BuckyBarnes Fanfic

CHAPTER X

I slowly move my body out of his reach. I slip out of the covers and immediately I get goosebumps all over my naked skin. I dress myself as quickly as I can and move out of the door, out of this dirty apartment. The sound of the door falling in its keyhole rings in my ears as I walk down the hallway and take the stairs downstairs, until I am outside again. The street is bustling with life and energy as I let myself disappear in the crowd.
When I make it to the compound and into the elevator I breathe out. This was one-night stand number four in just two weeks time.
Who am I?
I hold my clutch tightly against my tired body and my feet ache from the heels I am wearing. But the elevator doesn't stop at my floor, but on the floor of the common living space. And when the doors open my heart sinks and starts beating faster at the same time.
James, dressed wholly in black enters the elevator and presses the ground floor. His eyes grow wide as he gazes at me. "Fun night?" He states. I nod, feeling heat rushing to my cheeks.
God, I have to reek of alcohol and the too heavy perfume of that guy.
"We have a meeting in two hours, don't forget" James tells me as we reach my floor and the sound of the elevator doors is sounding as the metal doors shove apart. "Yes, in two hours. "Thank you." I quickly make my way out of this very awkward moment and the next thing I register is that the shower is running, my clothes are on a pile on the floor. I gaze in the mirror. A month ago I was too skinny, now I have gained some weight and I train again. But I have dark circles under my eyes and my hair looks dead.
But he still wanted you tonight.
I look away and step under the hot water, it feels nice to just wash everything off me.
I gather all my strenght to dress myself in some wide black trousers and a green shirt, I brush my hair and pull it in a ponytail. I brush my teeth thoroughly. I cover my dark circles with some make-up.
I have to say, I'm looking even a bit decent.
But I don't feel like it.
My hand twitches again and I feel the need to take a drink, so I do not feel it. So my hand doesn't twitch, so I will not know that I am all alone.
But I take a deep breath and force myself to walk to the elevator and make my way to the floor where we have the meeting.

When I enter the meeting room, I see Coulson, Bucky, Tony, Steve and Natascha. Their eyes all shift to me as I close the door behind me. "So, now we are all gathered" Coulson begins. I automatically take the first chair which is available to me and sit down. I grab a nearby pen and paper, so I can write down the information. "We have gotten some info that we have found an unknown Hydra outpost in the North of France" Coulson touches some buttons which are inside the table and in the middle appears a screen, with a red dot that appoints the base. "Rachel, I want you to contact them and try to negotiate,"
"Sir?" I ask.
"We think they have some hostages, but we do not know for certain" I nod, writing it all down. I shove my chair back, gathering my things. "I will begin immediately" I state as Coulson gives me a nod. I turn around but I just feel his gaze on my back. But I shrug it off, my lingering need for something alcoholic. I walk down the hallway where I take a seat in an empty office. But before I will start the computer, I need a drink! I quickly look down the hallway, but it's empty. I almost run with shaky hands to the elevator and push the button for the floor of the kitchen. Luckily Tony has made all the elevators really, really fast.

I take a coffee cup out of the cupboard and open the others, trying to find some booze. I find some liquor from Tony, definitely good stuff. I pour a lot in the cup and also a bit of black coffee. I quickly take a sip and immediately the warmth fills my empty self.
This is good.
And now back to work!
I take the same way back and when I am back in the office, I close the door and start up the computer.

The negotiations went well, but there were no hostages, so I went back to Coulson to report that and he sent the avengers to France.
And now I am back in my room, finishing my make-up for another night out. I feel giddy and excited, taking the elevator down and taking a taxi downtown. I find a club I am not familiar with and order the drink with the most alcohol; soon the night gets blurred and I flirt with a man, I think his name is Joe. But it doesn't matter, because soon he takes me home and I lose myself in his touch.
When I come home early in the morning, the others are not home yet.
And they are still not home when I leave for a club the next evening.
A week goes by in a blur and a lot of different men and then I get a text from Bucky, while I am in the taxi once again.
"Rae, we are on our way home. Nat wants to do a movie night! You in?"
I feel the heavy weight of sadness and a lot of shame pressing on my chest. In these two months, they and especially James mean a lot to me. They are my best friends, my new family. But this is something I have to conquer on my own, eventually I will not feel so empty and alone anymore.
Time will heal all wounds right?
So I text him back; I am out with a friend and shut down my phone.

When I stagger out of a club, the world spinning around me, I feel a strong hand grip my arm. I turn, ready to push away the one who grabbed me. But I stop when I see who it is and the heavy weight on my chest is back.
"Rachel, what the hell are you doing?" James's voice sounds rough with worry. His blue eyes pierce through my drunken fog. "James?" I slur, trying to pull my arm free from his tight grip. "What are you doing here?"
"Saving you from yourself, apparently" He states, his grip unyielding. "Come on, let's get you out of here"
I try to pull my arm free again, as I feel a surge of anger flare up in my chest. "I don't need saving! I'm fine!"
"You're not fine," James states firmly, his voice a mix of anger and concern. "You're drunk and you're hurting, and this isn't helping" His words cut through the haze of pain and anger and for a moment I see the depth of his concern for me. I am still trying to pull my arm free as the fight suddenly drains out of me. I slump against his hard chest, now swaying on my heels. "I don't know what else to do, James," I whisper, trying not to sound stupid. I feel the hot tears building up, but I blink them away, as some fall down, rolling down my cheeks. I feel his breathing change, from slow to fast as he wraps both of his arms around me. "I know Rae. I know it hurts. But this is not the way to deal with it. Come on, let's get you home"
James practically carries me to a car, where Steve sits behind the wheel. His eyes grow wide with worry as I cross his gaze. But when James opens the back door of the car and slides me inside, his shirt soaked in my silent tears. The drive back is silent, a song plays through the radio quietly.
When James gets me inside, he helps me to the couch in the shared living room. I see him whisper to Steve, all can I not hear what he says as the room spins around me. Steve leaves, his worried gaze piercing right through me. James hands me a glass of water and I drink it slowly, casting my eyes to the floor. "Why did you come for me?" I dare to ask, hating how small and broken my voice sounds.
"Because I care about you, Rachel" He says as he sits down beside me. "I can't stand to see you destroy yourself like this. We all care Rae" I look at him. "I do not know how to stop" I admit to him, whispering as shame makes me tearing up. He surprises me as he takes my hand in his and squeezes it gently. My heart is starting to beat faster, despite the pain and numbness I feel. "You don't have to do this alone," He says. "I'm here for you, and so is the rest of the team. We'll help you through this, but you have to let us" I nod slowly as fresh tears spill down my cheeks. "I just miss them so much James. I do not know how to live without them"
"I know," James says as he pulls me into his arms. "I understand Rae, I do. But I do know too that your family wouldn't want you to lose yourself like this. They'd want you to live, to be happy" As he says that, I grip his shirt with my hands tightly, I let it all out, sobs wracking through my tired body.

I wake up as the harsh light of the morning shined in my closed eyes. I groan, my head is pounding and my mouth feels like sandpaper. The memories of last night come flooding back and I groan again as I bury my face in my pillow. "Good morning" James's voice comes from my doorway as I look up to see him holding a cup of coffee. "Morning" I mumble, feeling utterly ashamed as I sit up slowly. "Thank you, for everything last night" James walks over to me and sits down on the edge of my bed, handing me the coffee. "You don't have to thank me, Rachel. I'm just glad that you're safe"
I take a sip, the warmth of the coffee gives me comfort, but a small voice in my mind wants the alcohol in it. "I don't know how to do this James. How I can move on"
"You don't have to figure it all out at once" He says gently. "Just take it one day at a time. And let us help you" I nod, a flicker of hope lights up my chest for the first time in forever. "Okay, i'll try" James smiles.