How I Fell in Love

Summer

We talked practically every day. You went to work and I'd wait for your text in the evening. I desperately wanted to maintain our contact. After awhile I questioned if you even had feelings for me. You never made anything fully clear but we did have serious conversations about our futures.

There were multiple instances where you asked about kids, and how many I wanted. Even asking what kind of mother I would be. I always passed it as you being curious, maybe even trying to understand me and see if I was someone you even wanted to pursue. Sometimes it felt like the pressure was on. I would tell you my opinion and hope that you'd accept me. I didn't want something to deter you from me and destroy what friendship we had built that summer. Though some signs were there, I couldn't be sure if you truly felt something for me. So we continued as it had been that summer, being friendly.

My old friend Alex had invited me to go to a museum but I didn't want to go alone with him so I asked if I could bring you. I honestly don't know how I didn't see it sooner, but he liked me. And here I am crushing over you while he subtly invited me on what was basically a date. It ended up being a third wheel. We took off from him a few times, it really felt like it was our first date, though we weren't even confessing to each other.

Stupidly, as all girls do, we tell our crushes that we 'like someone' and ask for advice. In reality, we are all talking about you. I really don't understand how men don't get it. Why would a woman confess to a guy that she likes someone, we don't even confess the full truth to other women so why would we trust you so much? You were not picking up what I was putting down. It was a mixed signal, I didn't think about how you perceived it.

When the day was done I so badly wanted to share how I was feeling. It was mostly fear that you might find someone else, and I didn't want to experience that again. I didn't want to lose you because I was being a coward and not sharing how I really felt. You took us to a climbing gym, my first time ever. I got to watch you, it was so weird, the environment I was in. Alex continued to tag along, it was more annoying at this point because I wanted alone time with you, but he's the one who organized the day anyway.

The two of us just sat there talking about you, as you climbed. How I would spend time watching all your posted climbing videos when I missed you or we couldn't talk. I loved just watching you, just being there even if I wasn't doing anything. Your presence is all I wanted. It was so foolish, I wanted closeness with someone and you seemed to be the only person I wanted it from. You became my only real friend that summer.

Following that day, we just continued to talk endlessly. I tried opening up more to you emotionally. Not of anything romantic. I realized that the reason most people left me was their lack of love for me or not being able to handle my baggage. As friends I wanted you to know the reason why I do certain things or behave a particular way. I really tried talking about myself and my past but you didn't seem to understand and I didn't have the heart to explain what I meant. It was best that I didn't get into those dark things, telling you came at its own pace later on.

Our friendship started to move differently. I knew deep down you had to like me on some level. Who texts a person every day without the intention of being romantic. I had never texted anyone as much as I had with you. Not even with close friends or previous boyfriends. We made time for each other, and when we couldn't we would always warn each other.

I will admit there was one instance that you expressed yourself but I was so scared to expose my feelings that I passed it off. You were questioning our relationship, what we were "It seems closer to a friendship but more. Idk how to describe it." It was passed midnight and I was tired, only staying awake to text you. It didn't click with me until that morning that you might have been trying to confess your feelings and I was too playful and drowsy to realize. I took a screenshot because I needed to regroup with my gossip girls to see how I could salvage it.

The summer was a back-and-forth of neither of us wanting to confess. As much as I wanted to I was to scared of losing the friendship we had. If you had no feelings and I confessed there was the risk that we'd never be the same again. Fear drives me, which is a problem when I'm trying to confess things.