How I Fell in Love

Starting School

From my perspective, I was being very delusional about you. Reading into our conversations and hoping that you had feelings for me. Nearing the end of the summer we spoke much less with each other. Going from talking every day to inconsistent conversations throughout the week. School was going to start and I was going on vacation, so I understood that we were both busy getting ourselves organized. There were no hard feelings. Though I was upset that our routine was slipping and there was the possibility I might lose you.

When I went on vacation, to my surprise you made an effort to text me. Even if I didn't respond right away, you did text me. I didn't lose hope in us just yet. Aside from being irritated by some of our earlier interactions, you were putting effort into not losing me completely. I now know that it wasn't that you didn't like me, it was because you wanted to get to know me better before committing to anything. I was the one in a rush of emotions just wanting to feel secure.

Regardless of that, I was feeling lonely. The vacation, although shit kept my mind off you for a week. We texted but I was putting my feelings on hold to enjoy the end of my summer without my unnecessary obsession. The crush which consumed my summer. It wasn't like I had any plans, I didn't have any friends.

When I got off that plane the first thing I remember doing was trying to get an internet connection to text you. I wanted you to know I was back so that we could resume our long texting nights and tell each other about our day. You were still working at the camp so there was always something to share. I had nothing going on, except for the fact I was getting ready for uni to start again. I desperately wanted to see you everyday. To switch our online conversations to physical conversations. I wanted the friend I found that summer to stay with me.

The lead up to school resuming wasn't how I wanted it to play out. You seemed to have fallen off the face of the earth. You were very inconsistent. Before the first day back I asked you if you wanted to sit with me, since we planned to have the same classes. You agreed, I couldn't help but feel a little giddy. Not only was I going to see you everyday, but you were going to sit with me. It was too perfect. You even offered to pick me up in the mornings for class, but I couldn't accept it. Though it felt out of a romance movie, my mother wouldn't allow me into the car of a stranger.

The day came around, I was more than excited. Looking forward to the semester, knowing that I had a chance with you even if it was small. My hopes were up, but they quickly came crashing down.

I showed up early, finding where all my classes were, meeting up with friends and finally finding a seat in the lecture hall and saving you a spot of course. I sat there waiting, it was maybe 20 minutes before class started. My friends began piling in beside me, but I made sure nobody took the spot reserved for you. I can't forget this no matter how hard I try, and now that it's coming out I feel some relief.

A crowd of people poured through the door, you were among them, beelining for the "Front Row." I called out your name and waved to get your attention, feeling very silly. Amnah was the only one who really knew at the time about the crush. She was the only one who saw my moment of despair which quickly turned to embarrassment. I was very embarrassed, wanting to hide away in the back and hope you didn't see me. Literally everyone around me saw it happen. It was kinda pathetic. It remains to be one of those embarrassing moments that randomly pop into your head when you really don't want to remember.

I watched you briefly, unpack your stuff and talk to your friends. It made sense that you'd sit with them instead of me. We only hung out those few times during the summer, but I thought our texting meant something. A wave of sadness came over me, I felt naive, I held so much hope for you to see me as more than a friend. It seemed you were hinting at it earlier that summer but I could never know for certain. Then the sadness turned to anger. Though it was such a small thing I was looking forward to it and it felt like I was a second choice.

I avoided looking at you that day, there were select times I couldn't help it. Like every time you talked to Tazia, or anytime you looked over at Negin saying something. I was upset you hadn't followed through with what you said, that we'd sit together. The jealousy I had towards everyone at that side of the room made me boil. I didn't really like them, and now I would continue to dislike them. I felt robbed.

After all that, I don't remember much. Maybe you did sit with me after? My emotions got the better of me. I do know that the rest of that week I felt immensely lonely. I was always looking over at you. I mentioned to you that you didn't sit with me over text, you apologised and said you didn't see me or something along that line. As I always do, I acted calm like it didn't bother me, but I was pissed. How could you not see me? I was standing, waving and called your name. Maybe you were just deaf and blind, or maybe you were ignoring me on purpose, I couldn't know. I felt invisible again, kinda like Wonderland. But this time the only person who saw me was not looking.