How I Fell in Love

Growth

It's been a hot minute since I posted a journal entry. I feel like now after all the bad has been dispelled from us both we are now relearning from each other. The normal we had before is so much different from the normal now. We are way more vulnerable, open and goofy; the change we both went through has made us resoundingly closer than before. I feel like when people say that the relationship will go through a big change in 3 months, they are definitely wrong. What breaks at that point is the mask, we had been taking the mask off weeks after dating. It probably started well before then, the process of vulnerability was slowly coming out when we were friends.

At three months we were terrified of this "Big Fight" that everyone said was heading our way. When the time passed we wondered if it had happened or not. Our petty little arguments didn't seem that bad, we weren't on the verge of a break-up like everyone says. Our "Big Fight" didn't happen until we spent over a month apart. Four-ish days was our maximum, thirty was something different. I never really talked about it in the journal, but I will now because it feels like such a distant thing that no longer holds as much weight as it used to.

We were both terrified of what my month-long vacation would do to our relationship. If I'm being truly honest, I had an inkling that this was going to make or break us. You had been acting strange and so was I. Would I come home to a completely new you? Was I going to be the one to change? I had so much doubt in you, and the feelings of this all being a trick. The haunting memories of my past relationships flooded back and I played out how our story would go. It would be much more painful than my last few because I genuinely fell in love. I knew what love was and to me, love was you.

It was the fear and doubt that led me to express annoyance towards you. Every little thing you said or did became a problem because I was trying to beat you to the break-up. I wanted to be ahead of the pain before it even set in, so I created my own painful prison. All my free time left me alone with myself, thinking about every little thing that bothered me, but I never had the heart to tell you. It ballooned and we got into our fights which led us to the verge of what felt like the start of a separation. It scared me; you scared me with how quickly you jumped to it. I felt like I didn't get ahead of the pain and I was realizing it was me who had been putting my fragile little spirit through hell.

Through that hardship and suffering that we both experienced, it had made us stronger than before. Our "Big Fight" came much later in the relationship because of our shared stubbornness to communicate effectively. Now we know. And now we are still learning how to communicate, this time together as a team correcting each other as we go along. The reconnecting goes on, months after our breaking point.

We are worth fighting for. This relationship is worth fighting for. And you will be my forever and always, from this life to the next.