How I Fell in Love

Popping the Question

I've expressed my disappointment before when it came to you asking me on a date. And you expressed why you had done it over text, it was because you didn't have the opportunity in person. You also had the fear that it was too late and didn't want to waste time waiting to ask in person. Desian had really nudged you in this and I'm glad for it. I'm gonna open up about my dislike for it some more because I feel you have to know.

I have never had a single relationship where I was asked out in person. Same thing with being dumped. Nobody ever wanted to look in my eyes and do it so texting me "we're done" was the best any of them could muster. So when you asked me on a date over text I was excited but also partially upset that I didn't get to experience being asked on a date in person. It would be my first ever date with someone who cared about me on some level.

The same goes for committing to one another and putting a title on us. After my birthday and after agreeing to be driven to school you wanted to make it official. We had a meaningful conversation over text one night and then you popped the question to me. It was very late at night, I was tired. You asking woke me right up but I felt disappointed. You could never know I was bothered by it, because I never told you anything until much later. It gave me this sinking feeling that I was always gonna be reduced to being texted about important relationship matters. You had asked me on a date over text, my very first date and it felt like it was going to be a trend. I really wanted to reject you so you could try again properly but I was also afraid that doing that was asking too much of you or you'd take it as a full rejection. So I settled for it and accepted.

What made it all worse was the next day we didn't really address it. It was a passing thing that we acknowledged but didn't really sit down to discuss fully. We continued on as boyfriend and girlfriend. It felt weird but I got used to it. Though there were no titles for us both, it felt the exact same as before.

The fact we didn't discuss it further caused me to make my own independent decisions about our relationship. I wanted to keep it private but never consulted with you at first. It went on for at least two weeks before someone caught on. I did eventually express my wishes to keep us private and not share information about the relationship. It was supposed to be between us, nobody else needed details about anything we were doing. I mainly wanted this for privacy against my friends and 'Front Row.' Your group was the worst of it, asking me random personal questions when I had never really talked to them on that level before. Even my friends were a little invasive but I managed to stand my ground. When it came to Lena and Keith, all this talk of privacy went out the window. They were the first to know anything about us, right now they have become the last. It's funny how time changes.

We were officially dating but it didn't change how I felt. There was the relief that I finally could call you mine and the confirmation that you actually cared for me, but nothing about the title changed our relationship. Though, now that we were together and you showed me more and more that you truly loved me, I was able to come out of my cave and embrace that the world wasn't against me. I was always stuck in a negative mindset, putting myself down. And although I still did that, it was less so because of you. Our relationship helped me better myself and trust others more. I grew to trust you without fear of being vulnerable. That is what our relationship changed for me.

The negative in me is coming out but I feel like a lot of my experiences before being with you were generally negative. Now that I've taken the time to sit and reflect on how we got here, I went through a lot and I'm sure you did too.

It feels kind of wrong to end the story here but this was our story. After all these ups and downs and being influenced by other people we finally confessed our feelings to each other. And now we have this beautiful relationship. There are still so many ups and downs but we've matured and can talk about it openly. Though we do have hiccups sometimes, we've been generally good at communicating our feelings and getting past disagreements or difficult topics.

I hope this little story about us, before 'us,' helped you understand my experiences, and that you didn't take it personally. We can't change the past and how things played out, but we can change how we go about problems now.

I love you my Muffin!