When Sunflowers wither...

Role-play

A/N: Thanks for all the support. As promised, I am making the 13k special here! You all voted and I am doing it. This is the suicidal book you all wanted. Now please enjoy! ^^

Izuku's POV unless said otherwise

I hated this room. I hated this walls, I hated my roommate and I hated to know that I am still at UA. I should be happy. Honestly I really should be happy about it but I can't! This was my dream and I am living it and yet I hated it soo badly. Some would say that I was insane. Everyone would actually treat their places with me.... yeah well give me someone and I will trade places with them.

It is hard bro!

Alright!

It is just hard!

How am I living here?

This is no paradise!

Each and every day I wake up, I go to the bathroom and practice my smile till perfection. No one could see me without it. They all just knew me as my bubbly self but that wasn't me... well it was until a couple of months ago... until the LOV showed up... until Bakugo got kidnapped and until I realized how much everyone was right.

This life was not for me.

I could have died saving Kacchan.... no, the thing is.... I was ready and I wanted to die. I never thought I would say this but while fighting with the LOV, I felt it. I was glad when I knew that things would be different soon. I was happy when that nomu nearly killed me while we were fighting. I was even looking forward to close my eyes an rest.....

That scared me.

I didn't know how to feel about this.

I was normal.

I was happy.

I was dreaming my dream life!

I was living that pipe dream I had.

I now even had a quirk.....

... but for what?

This was not my quirk.

This was not my life.

This was given to me.

None of this was something I deserved nor earned it at all.

I was lucky that All Might thought that I would be his perfect prodefe after he killed that dream of mine. 

I was desperate back then.

I was....

I....

What was I?

Was I happy?

Now thinking back, I definitely was smiling but I remember crying as well. No it was never happiness that I felt. I thought I did but it was nothing but a lie. My whole life I was living a lie. When I was 4 years old, I wanted a quirk so desperately and I got none..... then I dreamed of becoming a hero even honinh my analysing ability so that it would be on par with a quirk but then I got told that this was nothing but a pipe dream and I would better be a police officer. 

Of course I felt down when I heard that but I didn't think that back then what I felt was sheer emptiness. It was not sadness... it was not anger for breaking that dream... or happiness that someone finally told me the truth... no I felt nothing. 

For a while now I was running from the truth.

I was hiding it from myself.

I was lying to myself.

Was I ever happy?

I don't know.

Even if you ask me to name just one time I would laugh or smile because I was happy.... I couldn't... I wouldn't be able to name even one thing!

I broke my mother soul when I became quirkless....all she said was that she was sorry and I felt as if I was the one who is t fault and not her... she was sorry for what? Being there for me? Being my mother? That I am quirkless? Why is she sorry? 

I never understood it but I do know that it was the first time I felt this emptiness..... it was as if something shattered within me. As if someone just threw everything out a window and trampled on it.... it was something I was scared of. I tried to hide it, I tried to fight it and I started to lie to myself and my mother. I was playing a life long role of being a happy and grateful life... but what was happiness?

Why was everyone smiling?

Why did they hate me?

Why was I born being quirkless?

Would it have been different if I had a quirk or not?

I was quite scared.....

There were so many questions I had no answer to them and I didn't care because for the very first time... I couldn't bring myself to fake the emotions, to mimic others, to smile, to just.... be me?!!!!!

No matter how long I was staring at myself, I couldn't get my lips up to smile at all. This was when I knew that it was over for me. There was nothing to lose anymore... I already lost everything.... there was a secret I haven't told anyone else tooo.... one that could get me expelled...  but it was the only right thing to do and I was not regretting it.

Me: *sigh* Forget it... I won't even try anymore.....

With that said, I left the bathroom mirror behind and changed into my unform. It was quite early in the morning and no one was still up but it was normal for me to be up and running. Call it a stupid habit. Still who would have thought that this habit would actually be this useful once.