When Sunflowers wither...

Lovely Hospital... lovely garden...

Eraserheads visit left a bitter taste in my mouth. I broke the hero for sure. Never did I see the man cry or have this many emotions on his face and yet he showed so much in front of me today. Hawks even looked ready to kill people. I don't think this was good at all. In the center of everything was just me. I was the reason for everything. 

What am I doing here....

This is stupid.

I should try to get myself out of here.

The moment the thought popped up, I started moving. No one could say no to me walking out of the room for a change or the bathroom. There should be anything that I could do, right? Anything. I just needed to believe in it and look out for something. The small bathroom inside the room didn't had anything at all but maybe the public one. For that, I decided to get out and start walking a bit before asking for the bathroom. Shouldn't be hard at all.

Once I got to the door and opened it, I was greeted by a nurse who just walked down the hallway. She seemed a bit worried when she saw me. 

Nurse: Can I help you with something?

Me: I wanted to walk a bit. It's stuffy being in the room all day.

Nurse: Oh I understand. How about the inner garden? This hospital takes pride in our inner garden. 

Me: Sounds lovely. How do I get there?

Nurse: I'll lead the way.

Me: Thank you.

This was how I got someone to show me to the garden but this woman was quite nice. She did start to explain where I was and where things were. I did appreciate it since it was different from Hawks and I was finally out of that goddamn room. For some reasons I really hated it for now. 

To tell you the truth, the way to the garden was quite nice. Pictures were hung on the walls here and there and there were some pattersn on the floor. This whole place seemed as if they wanted the patients in here to feel at home or as if they were staying in some kind of resort. I definitely started to feel the vibe which was going around but I also hated it. 

There was no need for me to be here at all.

Someone else who would need help and that room I was occupying should be staying here instead of me. I was just a failure and I even broken a hero now. This was not good and I proved that my existance was nothing but a bother with the visit.

Once we got to the garden she left me on my own because there were quite some people. It was definitely lovely here and my thoughts were empty as I walked around looking at it. There was even a small lake inside of this inner garden. It was quite big but also very small. There were some swans inside and some ducks happily swimming around and eating the food that some old ladies were throwing in the water.

Swans.....

I wish I had done that swan dive back then....

Maybe my life would have been better.

I wonder if there is a heaven.... who cares, I am going to hell after breaking Aizawa-sensei for sure.

I walked around a bit and then decided to get back but before that I asked another nurse where the bathroom was. She did showed me where they were with a small hint where to find them since she was currently together with an old lady and pushing her around in a wheelchair.

I managed to get to the bathroom and started looking around a bit. It was definitely not like the one in my room. This was just a simple bathroom. The mirror was hung up but I could tell that one could actually get it down. It might take me a bit but I definitely could break it while trying to get it down. There were some clips on one end and these clips could get undone and then the mirror should fall... what why think that complicated if I could just punch it. That should do the trick too.

Once I got a good look at the mirror, I started to remember all the insults, all the things people said to me and everything I broke and just managed to turn into a disaster. This face looking back at me, looked like a hopeless dead person. My smile dropped once I looked at myself and yes I knew how fake my mask was but it sure was helping me a lot to go through life.

Me: No more bullshit... No more breaking things... no more hurting people..... 

Tears started to fall down my cheeck as I clenched the sink for a bit before actually punching the mirror once... then twice... then again and again until my knuckles were showing and bleeding. The mirror broke by the second try but I couldn't stop... I couldn't make myeslf stop until I couldn't see myself reflected anymore.

Once the mirror was completly broken, I dropped my hand and looked at everything, breathing a bit heavily since this felt like an exercise to me and I was still crying.

Now this should be it...

I had a feeling that this should do the trick.

Maybe I should feel anything but I did nothing not even relieve at all. I just looked at the broken mirror and then picked up a shard before stabbing myself on the side of my throat. The sudden pain made me feel dizzy. I saw some black dots for a bit and I felt weak which made me fall to the ground clinging to the sink. It was a short moment that I felt dizzy before it was just pain. My hands were shaking and I didn't know if I could pull that shard out seeing how I was on my knees now. I was bleeding even with it in quite the bad manner. Still I wanted to finally die, so I pulled it out......

Finally I should be able to rest forever.

The pain made me black out but hopefully this was the last time and to be honest, this was way better than hanging myself. At least the pain was bearable.