The Art of Reconstruction (Andley)

3: Return of the She-Devil

Humiliated. That was one word to describe how I felt, but there were others too. Humiliated. Guilty. Nostalgic. Angry. Depressed.

Humiliated because I had let myself cry in front of Ashley. I had made a complete and utter fool of myself, collapsing into his arms and sobbing like a child.

Guilty because I had been a jerk to my band mates and had left them without saying goodbye or giving any real explanation.

Nostalgic because I missed being in Ashley's arms.

Angry because I didn't want to miss it.

Depressed because I knew Ashley didn't miss it. He had found a replacement, well several replacements.

When I had come home Juliet wasn't there which I was kind of grateful for. I didn't want to talk to anyone. I didn't have the energy nor the initiative to go upstairs to my bedroom, so I just collapsed on the couch and stared up at the ceiling. It really was ridiculous, how caught up on Ashley I was. I was nothing more than a fly tangled in a web with the spider rapidly approaching.

The scary part was that I was beginning to understand why Kellin did what he did and I didn't want to understand. I was starting to terrify myself with the way I was thinking. Life just seemed like it wasn't worth it if I didn't have Ashley, if I couldn't freely be who I was. I knew it was silly and that I was just being overly melodramatic, but I couldn't help the thoughts that crept up on me in the middle of the night. I knew I wouldn't act on these thoughts, though. I had a feeling they were simply a passing fancy. I wasn't like Kellin. Kellin had been ill. There was nothing anyone could've done.

The sound of the door bell broke me out of my stupor. I groaned and dragged my hand across my face. The idea of interacting with other individuals was not at all appealing to me at the time and I considered just pretending that no one was home. Whoever it was rang again, though, and banged on the door. I figured they knew I was home and were not going to leave me alone until I answered, so I begrudgingly made my way to the door.

I forced an expression of neutrality so as not to alarm whoever it was with my hostility. I opened the door, but when I saw who it was I shut it immediately. "Andy!" Ashley called from the other side, banging on the wood. "Open up." I leaned my forehead against the door, drawing in a slow breath. What on earth did he want? Why the hell would he think it was a good idea to come to my house after I'd shown obvious distaste for him? "Andy!" Ash shouted frustratedly.

I pulled the door open quickly to find him mid-knock. He seemed surprised that I had actually opened the door because he stared at me in stunned silence for a moment. "What?" I said slightly angrily.

"Oh, I, uh, I have your phone," he said tentatively. "You forgot it." He grabbed my phone from his pocket and held it out to me. I took it, careful not to let my hand touch his. "Couldn't one of the other guys brought it?" I said which was probably ruder than necessary, but I was in a bitchy mood.

"I said I would," Ashley said. "I wanted to talk to you." Of course he did. He probably thought he could make things better when in reality just his presence made everything worse. I knew that this feeling would pass eventually as long as I had some time to think, but Ash wasn't giving me that time. "I know what you want to talk about and it's not on the table. I'm fine. What happened wasn't a big deal," I said firmly.

"Wasn't a big deal? Andy, I know you and you don't just start crying at the drop of a hat like that, not unless there's something seriously wrong," Ashley said exasperatedly. His dark eyes showed that he was distressed and worried.

"There's nothing wrong," I said in a tone as cold as ice. "It was just a moment of insanity." I could see it on Ashley's face that he didn't believe me, so I decided to take a different approach. I softened the expression on my face and made my voice a bit gentler. "Really, Ash, I will be perfectly fine. I've just got a lot on my mind. Give me a week or so and I'll be back to normal."

"And what's normal for you now? Faking smiles and pretending like you don't give a shit about anything? I can see through that crap. Have you been having problems with a boyfriend or something?" Ash said, thoroughly overstepping his bounds.

"I'm not dating anyone, so no," I assured him, gesturing with my hands. "Really, I'm fine. I was just having a moment is all. Nothing to worry about." I was trying to be as convincing as possible, but who knows if it was working or not. Ashley certainly looked like he was still suspicious, but I tried to write that off as my own paranoia.

Ash opened his mouth to speak again, but then the girl from before, Jasmine, came running up from the car. "What's taking so long, Ashy?" she said, her voice like nails on a chalkboard. I raised my eyebrows at him, silently asking why she was there. "I was just taking Jasmine home," he explained before looking at her. "Just give us a sec. You can wait in the car."

Jasmine pouted in a way that made her look utterly ridiculous. I could barely suppress an eye roll. "Okay, but I'll miss you," she said, leaning over and planting a sloppy kiss on his cheek. Bitch, stay in your lane, I thought. "What?" Ashley said as he wiped the lipgloss residue from his cheek.

"What?" I said, glaring at the she-devil as she walked away.

"You just said 'bitch, stay in your lane'," Ashley said slowly, confusion evident on his face. Of course I had said that out loud. Trust my brain to fuck me over like that. "Oh, um, I was just trying to remember some, um, Twenty One Pilots lyrics," I said awkwardly, jumping on the first excuse I could cook up.

"Really?" Ash said, obviously not convinced. "I didn't think you even listened to them."

"Yup, they've got a song called Lane Boy or something like that," I said, cursing myself for not being able to come up with a better lie.

"Well, I doubt that those are the lyrics," he said, raising his eyebrows.

"Yeah, probably not. Don't know the song that well. Anyway, you should go," I said, trying to save myself from further mortification. "You've got to get the she-d-I mean, Jasmine home." Well, if there was one thing I was good at it was sticking my foot in my mouth. Honestly, I couldn't manage to say one thing right. I blamed it on the way Ashley's cologne was clogging up my mind.

If I didn't know better I could've sworn that Ashley looked a little disappointed when I asked him to leave. He nodded somberly, his eyes flitting to the ground before returning to mine. "Okay, I'll see you tomorrow, I guess," he said.

"Most likely," I replied with a shrug. Ashley furrowed his brow, frowning at me. "What? Have you decided your not coming on the bus with us?" he asked. "I figured you wouldn't come to the party tonight, but that's just weird, Andy."

"Wait, what?" I said, thoroughly confused.

"We're going on tour tomorrow," Ashley said slowly. "You know, Warped Tour? Your favorite thing ever?"

"Oh, fuck. That's tomorrow?" I had completely forgotten. How on earth I managed to let that slip my mind was a total mystery to me. I normally wasn't so careless. Then it dawned on me. I would've stuck on a tour bus with Ash at the worst possible time. How the hell was I supposed to mope around until I felt better if I had to interact with people?

"Yeah, it's tomorrow," Ashley said, still looking at me as though I had lost all mental function. "What rock have you been living under?" I glared at him slightly.

"Well, in that case, I ought to pack my things," I said. Really I just wanted him to leave, but I didn't want to be too rude. I figured I had been enough of an asshole for the day. "Okay, bye, I guess," Ash said, shaking his head slightly.

"Bye," I replied, shutting the door after him. I really was an idiot. How could I have forgotten about Warped Tour? Now I was going to have to pretend that I was perfectly pleased with everything in life. Perhaps touring would cheer me up. It was something that I enjoyed so maybe it would mask my unreasonable sadness.

I made my way back over to the couch and fell face-first onto it. At least Juliet would be on the tour with me, so I could complain to her about all of my issues. I figured that I would be one hell of a whiny bitch, but I couldn't quite bring myself to care. Besides, she wouldn't mind listening. Lying on the couch and complaining about boys while we stuffed our faces with Ben & Jerry's was a favorite activity of ours.

Time passed and I found myself giving into daydreams about the man I hated to admit that I loved.