What might have been

This is not a dream

Penelope threw a stone into the water.
Another season, another Whistledown. Penelope tried to convince herself that she would be fine... fine alone. Whistledown had become the only thing in her life that was truly hers, the only thing left. She had lost everything: her best friend, the man she loved... the one she had admired for too long. It turned out he was not who she thought he was. Maybe that was her mistake.If only Eloise could forgive her. Eloise was her friend, her confidante. But Penelope couldn't give up Whistledown; it was her true self, her brave and confident side. If she had revealed her identity, no one would have believed her. Even if it was only to Eloise, nothing would have changed. Perhaps she should have let Eloise lose interest when she did, instead of trying to regain her attention by writing about women's rights.
But it's too late now. She can't go back and change anything. Colin would never love her. Eloise would still be angry. Penelope sighed. She should have tried to find a husband earlier, instead of waiting for a man who never saw her as a woman, much less one worth courting.
Perhaps this is fate's retribution for how she handled the situation with Marina. Colin wasn't truly her friend... she shouldn't have been willing to cause harm to people in her life, including her cousin and family, just to protect him. Maybe she should have shielded Eloise instead... kept her safe from the pain when she discovered Whistledown's identity, or diverted her attention away from it altogether.
She threw another stone into the water, watching the ripples dance across the surface. Looking up at the stars, she remained in her maid uniform, knowing she would have to return eventually. She had just finished delivering the first Whistledown of the season.
Her mind drifted back to that morning when Colin returned from his travels, surrounded by adoring women. Striding back into his place as if he had never left, he seemed more handsome, more charming than before. A pang of resentment churned within her... How dare he act so carelessly, with no thought to how he had humiliated her in front of his 'friends' last season, right in her own home.
If she were to change anything, it would start with not wasting her time on him at all. Pushing herself up from where she sat near the lake, she realized she was alone on the empty bank. Yet, strangely, it felt less lonely than when the place was bustling with people during the day.She looked up at the sky once more, recalling Colin's mention in one of his letters about seeing Venus in the early morning – Venus, like the goddess of love. She chuckled to herself, realizing how truly pathetic she was, making herself miserable like this. She walked to the deck, remembering the time Anthony tripped over Newton and plunged into the lake with Dorset.That coloumn on Anthony's wedding to Edwina was the final nail ...
She turned around to leave, but her foot caught on the edge of her skirt, causing her to stumble and fall into the lake.She found herself unable to swim or extricate herself from the lake's depths. Panic overtook her as she thrashed in the water, feeling utterly helpless, unable to draw breath. Drowning consumed her, her vision darkening as specks filled her sight. The last images etched in her mind were of Eloise and Colin, laughing with her during their younger days.
Penelope woke with a start, gasping for breath, only to find Marina shaking her gently, a slightly worried expression etched on her face.

"Marina... Lady Crane..." Penelope's voice trailed off as she struggled to make sense of her surroundings. She woke with a start, her heart racing with a touch of panic. Glancing down, she realized she was clad in her deep peach nightdress, and the realization dawned on her that she was indeed in her own home. She looked up at Marina with a mixture of confusion and concern. "What are you doing here?"
"Lady Crane?... Are you insulting me, Penelope?" Marina's voice carried a tone of resentment and bitterness. "Did you pretend to faint just to mock me? You might think you're so much better than me... with your pathetic fantasy of a boy who would never regard you as more than an extension of his sister."
"It is none of your concern, Marina," Penelope retorted firmly. "You were set on making him a pawn in your game... you didn't care about him then, and you don't care about him now. It's none of your business how he feels about me. You don't know him."
'not in your wildest Fantasies'
'You are Pen,you do not count'
The realization hit Penelope like a cold wave crashing over her. Perhaps Marina was right; maybe Marina did know him better than Penelope ever did.
Marina's bitter chuckle cut through the tense air. "Doesn't matter... he is marrying me," she declared with a sense of finality. "There's plenty of time to get to know him... or perhaps I know him well enough. He adores me... and he will be a good father." She spoke the last part more to herself than to Penelope, as if trying to reassure herself. "I will be Mrs. Bridgerton soon enough, and everything will be perfect."
Penelope's heart pounded as realization dawned upon her. Marina was with child, yet she was set to marry Colin... again? No, it couldn't be. Marina looked exactly the same as that fateful night she was supposed to elope with Colin to Scotland. Panic rising within her, Penelope glanced around, her eyes darting across the familiar surroundings. Everything appeared just as it did on that day etched into her memory—the fireplace, the fake letter Mama had concocted..."Marina? Are you eloping with Colin... tomorrow?" Penelope's voice trembled with panic as she confronted the unsettling possibility.What was happening? Why was this happening? Why was she here, reliving that day she hated the most? These questions swirled in Penelope's mind, each one adding to her growing sense of confusion and dread.
"Yes, we are leaving at dawn," Marina confirmed, her voice devoid of warmth as she turned away. "There's nothing you can do. Just stay away and stop living in that pathetic fantasy... he will be my husband soon." Her words cut through the air like a sharp blade.
Penelope felt a wave of familiar dread wash over her, engulfing her in its icy grip. Over the years, she had repeated to herself countless times that there was nothing else she could have done. No one would have believed her, and she would have made the same choice to publish it in Whistledown, again and again.

She thought back to what Colin had said – that he would have married Marina if she had told him about the baby herself. Lady Whistledown had taken away that chance from him. The weight of those words bore down on Penelope.
"You are right," Penelope admitted softly, her voice filled with a mixture of resignation and sadness. "But the truth is, Marina, he is noble, as you said. He would marry you even if he knew about your pregnancy. Your pregnancy wouldn't hurt him... not the way your lie and deception will. He deserves a marriage of love, not one where he is a second choice."
Marina had turned away, no longer listening to Penelope. To Marina, Penelope might as well have been wallpaper, yet again just another insignificant presence like she was to the rest of the world.
Penelope sighed and left the room. Colin could make his own choices, marry the woman he truly saw as a woman, the one he courted. Penelope resolved not to interfere; their paths were now divergent, and if it were up to her, they wouldn't cross again. Like two ships passing each other in the night, their journeys would continue separately..