What might have been

What matters is what you want

Colin awaited in the Featherington's garden, having bribed a maid to summon Penelope. Though it was not deemed appropriate to rendezvous with a gently bred lady at such an hour, the urgency of ensuring her well-being surpassed any sense of propriety he had ever been taught. He knew the agony of losing one's father, and the thought of Penelope enduring such sorrow pained him as though it were his own. His desire to comfort her in any manner possible was paramount. He fervently hoped she was in a state to at least meet with him. As she approached, moving from light into shadow, he could not quell the surge of affection he felt. Her nose and cheeks bore the redness of recent tears, her face still wet as if she had washed it just before coming down, yet she appeared so lovely that he could find no other way to describe her; she was, somehow, the most beautiful woman he had ever beheld.

"Colin? What are you doing here? You should be at Aubrey Hall. Did you depart soon after I did? But why?"Penelope asked with concern.

"I..." Colin hesitated, "I wanted to make sure you were alright."

Penelope's eyes softened. "I am fine, Colin... we were not close. He was a distant figure who dipped in and out of our lives, but it's not of much concern. This pain is fleeting... he was not a loving father like yours was. I think the only instance anyone is going to miss my father would be when a new Mr. Featherington shows up."

"Pen," Colin murmured, rubbing her arms in a gesture of comfort.

"Mama... for all her faults, has taken care of us alone, but this would be more of an added burden on her, the finances..."

Penelope sighed, her throat tightening as a few tears escaped her eyes. Colin gently wiped them away with his gloveless hands, caressing her cheeks. Penelope looked up at him, their eyes locking together for a moment. She felt her breath hitch at the sight of his eyes, so focused on her.

She pulled away. He was not hers; he was married... to her cousin. Another tear fell down her cheek. She closed her eyes to compose herself. He was her friend... only her friend.

"I have to get married... find a suitor... I can't burden my..."

Colin felt his stomach drop at her words. Suddenly, he felt as though everything was wrong in the world, and he had to do something, anything, to fix it.

"There has to be another way... your sisters are yet to be married... they should marry first... you are still young... you can wait... I am sure your finances are alright, Pen... you could wait until you are ready," Colin suggested earnestly.

"It is not okay, Colin... my father was a gambler... he has gambled away our dowries... there are not many men who would marry a woman without a dowry... and... maybe I am destined to be a spinster," she sobbed. "But... but I am willing to try to get out of this... I would have to marry... to anyone who would be willing."

"Pen... I am sure it would be fine... your sisters would find suitors... you can take your time... and you are a beautiful woman, anyone would be lucky to marry you," Colin tried to assure her, despite the lump in his throat.

"You are right," Pen tried to smile. "I was lost with everything that was happening. With the death... I was overwhelmed... and felt like everything was closing in... but I am sure we would be fine for at least two more seasons... plenty of time to find a suitor and to get married."

Colin felt like there was something heavy in his chest, the grief for his friend, he suppose. "If a suitor is what you desire... I would help you in any way I can," he offered, his words were sincere.

Penelope chuckled softly. "You being my mentor through a letter would be just so fascinating," she remarked with a hint of amusement.

Colin grinned. "I have no trips planned, Pen. I would make sure to give you first-hand training" he assured her warmly.