wabi - sabi

uno

"𝙼𝚢 𝚟𝚒𝚎𝚠 𝚘𝚏 𝚛𝚎𝚕𝚊𝚝𝚒𝚘𝚗𝚜𝚑𝚒𝚙𝚜..."

I had a realization not too long ago.

My view of relationships in general is strained.

I'm practically distant from other people, but when it comes to my friends, I can't help but care too much. To the point where even I, consider it entirely tiring, annoying, or even obsessive.

The way I treasure the people close to my heart is like handling a fragile object, with carefulness and consideration, with constant love and compassion. But all I get is excuses and constant apologies for why they couldn't show up. I understand it's petty of me, and I understand that they're people who have so many things to do in such little time. Even I value my independence in extremity.

But then I came across this group of friends, and somehow I was in the group, but at the same time, it didn't feel like I belonged there. After all those months of being busy in college, they took time to talk and get together. I felt a pang in my chest over that. Not exactly because of them, but a realization had struck me as if it were lightning.

I had to accept that I cared too much—I gave too much. I give too much of my time, energy, and effort to people who might've merely brushed it off. I realized how much I treasured them—because I knew how it felt not to be appreciated properly—just to feel as if I'm asking too much, or to feel like I'm being too clingy and needy. The more that I give, the easier that energy is repulsed. Most probably because it comes from a desperate need to be loved.

I remembered how much I initiated a get-together, but it'll always be full of excuses. I, too, understood how it meant to be busy, but I can always make time, at the very least. Why couldn't everyone do the same?

Perhaps they're exhausted, and so am I.

In my few months in college, I lost more people than I have gained. I've gotten tired of patching up relationships, of often being the one who has to do too much work. Even if it doesn't concern me, I just have to give something. Yet in the end, I couldn't even make it half a percentage of their trust.

When I told myself I'll stop doing this, because I'm too worn out, and exhausted, and tired, and I feel like my heart's gonna explode from all the emotions already. When I became distant, the more they became distant as well.

Would it be too much to ask to be treated the way I want myself to be treated? Yet rather, everyone would say that I must have been asking the wrong people, and maybe I do, right? And I can't help but be mad at myself.

I guess I'm built to just care too much, or is this merely an attachment issue? I treasure people the way I'm watching someone grow, slowly and slowly until they're brave enough to face the world, only to realize I've been robbed of all that love for myself.

And it's maddening.

I don't deserve to be treated in such a way. I'm never meant to be treated like some option. Or rather these are bigger issues upon myself, and some residue trauma I have to address.

Either way, a lesson remains from all these insights, which is that I shouldn't give too much—people get used to it, which makes it easier for you to be taken for granted. Desperate energy will always be repulsed.

My view of relationships in general is strained, which must be due to traumatic experiences and constant seeking for validation—either way, I can work on myself and my issues. And I should stop making things work with others if it requires too much effort. People are unpredictable, after all. And I can't read minds.

Now, I thought. My view of relationships in general is strained—but that must be one of the many things to work on in the relationship between me and myself.

Give only when you're receiving more. And if possible, keep your time, energy, and love for yourself. Invest it all for you, so you won't be worn out like me.

And be careful with the ones you hold dearly to your heart. They must always come second, before you.

Embody detachment :))

love lots,

aru.