wabi - sabi

tre

"𝙴𝚟𝚎𝚗 𝚛𝚎𝚕𝚊𝚝𝚒𝚘𝚗𝚜𝚑𝚒𝚙𝚜 𝚛𝚎𝚚𝚞𝚒𝚛𝚎 𝚜𝚌𝚑𝚎𝚍𝚞𝚕𝚎𝚜..."

When vacation came after my first year in college, I knew I had to make the most of it. There were so many things I wanted to try out but had never gotten the time to for the rest of the school year. My whole life revolved around school, leaving me exhausted and stuck in a monotonous routine.

Under pressure from not being as skilled as others, I was determined to focus on my interests and enhance my skills. There were so many things—reading, writing, journaling, meditating, exercising, painting, and dancing. I wanted to try them out. All at once.

Perhaps I might also be feeling pressure from not being as skilled as others. I was determined to focus on my interests and enhance my skills. Planning it out seemed essential to avoid regret. The thought of another boring, emotionless summer at home was unbearable. Staring blankly at gossiping neighbors and kids playing outside only amplified my sense of stagnation.

It's so envious to see other people enjoying their vacations in some other beautiful cities. I knew I'd be scoffing at that idea, but I wished I had the money to spend on all those therapeutic trips, but leaving the house also seemed daunting. I ultimately figured I'd be better off resting the whole vacation and storing all that energy to waste it on the next exhausting school year.

In the midst of my low-key enjoyment of my alone time, I was once again reminded of my perceived shortcomings after hearing from another friend that her romantic life is blossoming. Envious, I'd be. Then I'd be squinting my eyes like some sort of mom trying to figure out if this guy's deserving of her.

I wondered if my life was actually that boring. I can already visualize myself looking like a devastated minion laying on the ground with tears in my eyes while my friends bask in the glow of their relationships. For some reason, there's always this image of my friends enveloped in some pink sparkly background with red hearts with some guy whose face I don't have any idea of.

I admit to having a crush, and it's like the most heartwarming feeling. But I definitely despised the fact that I had to push my feminism away every time he'd look at me. The idea of submitting to a man felt repulsive—it makes me vomit. I'm super sorry already.

In this generation, love requires a sense of urgency. And when I talk about love, it's mostly about the kind of romantic love. I'd even roll my eyes at the idea that kids younger than me have boyfriends or girlfriends already. Like elementary school kids. When I was their age, I was busy stalking K-pop groups and dancing to the choreography of their songs. Then, there are those who make it seem like being single means you're lonely and boring—my friend thinks so. Some people in their late twenties are often pushed to get married.

Romantic love, often touted as the greatest feeling, feels more like pressure. Being single is equated with loneliness and boredom. It's absurd that society views relationships as achievements and long-term singleness as a crime.

The notion that not being pursued makes one undesirable and unattractive is pervasive. The belief that flirting is necessary to add 'spice' to life is baffling. I can't even have a conversation! I struggle to understand how people form situations so easily in a span of a year. I can't even befriend someone I've been with for a whole school year.

It's easy to spot that it's only the sense of belongingness that most people seek in a relationship. Though it's nice at first, gradually, eventually, as time goes by, it only creates dependency. The amount of effort required to maintain a relationship is overwhelming.

Personally, I get frustrated when my schedule isn't met. And let's say I was in a relationship; certainly, I would dedicate my time and effort to that person. To make the relationship work. To deepen the connection between two people. Dedicating time and effort to a partner feels daunting and exhausting.

While this may seem like a justification for feeling undesirable, it holds some truth, doesn't it?

I must have fallen in love with my own solitude and could get used to drowning in it. I figured I have so many more issues to work on, and my time and energy are for myself only. There is no readiness, I feel—a little rush, that is. Yet, I have so many more important things to do and sort out. I believe that love comes naturally, not forcibly or rushed. Eventually, there is the right time and the right person.

A reminder for all of you, then, to feel the blessed life of singleness or to embrace your right time of being in a relationship. Do prioritize loving yourself first and alleviate trauma dumping, alright?

love lots,

aru.