wabi - sabi

due

"𝙶𝚛𝚊𝚝𝚎𝚏𝚞𝚕𝚗𝚎𝚜𝚜..."

More than the times that I consider myself a walking disappointment and a constant failure, there are certain times when my heart blossoms with appreciation and gratitude that what I asked for has already been given to me. Perhaps God and the universe worked wonders in the background, making me fail to notice that I already am as blessed as I'm supposed to be.

In my last year of high school, I found myself as lost as I could be. Sitting down in a classroom with the loud voices of unbearable classmates, I couldn't even concentrate one bit, let alone drift into daydreaming just like I had always been. I found myself laying my head on both my arms, closing my eyes in annoyance.

In that last year, I despised it. The environment was incredibly toxic, one that I had been a victim of. I did not want to come back to a haunting place that caused the whole aftermath of my depression, rather than even see the people who caused it. I struggled—I was not just lost; I was bothered; I was triggered. All I prayed for was my peace and nothing else.

And I wasn't one to ask. Others would only tell me to endure such a thing, and some even laughed at how petty I was towards the ones who caused me pain. People move on as if they hadn't been the reason why you've become the shittier version of yourself right now. For years, I struggled with my self-worth, and I blamed myself for it, thinking it was only my sensitivity that harmed my being.

Sometimes, I have failed to notice that others' projection of their pain onto you is equally harmful. I only wanted accountability, yet an explanation is not something I'd ask for. I won't consider myself petty and grudging. It was years until I realized that I was also harmed. I was only hurt.

Today I still carry the wounds of my past, but time continuously heals, I guess?

I blinked, and I was in a new city. My roommates were people I barely knew, and the usual me was incredibly cold and distant towards them. Meeting new people made me uncomfortable. It's not like I don't like them. I guess it's become an unconscious habit of putting my defenses up. I can't trust easily. It's become a part of me already.

At first, it was difficult. I wasn't a big fan of change. I despised it. It was uncomfortable—truly uncomfortable. I felt like floating during my few months in college. Everything didn't seem real. Being surrounded by competitive and driven-by-excellence people made me feel out of place. They knew what they wanted, and they were going to get it. I couldn't understand why I was there, as I knew that if I had the chance to stop schooling, I could have done it.

Fast forward, and the school year is over. I am most pessimistic, which is why I could have taken for granted what has been given to me this time. If I hadn't heard about some other people struggling to get the course of their dreams vs. the practical course (as always had been an issue), to passing a state university for free tuition, and falling into depression realizing how hard college is.

In my experience, my expectations for things to happen easily are at 1%, so I figured it wouldn't be easy unless you worked your ass out for it. I can't even realize how hard I've worked for something until I'm all depleted of my energy, or simply, burnout. It's not like the easy way is fulfilling for me; I have to crawl my way up to find it fulfilling, like some bastard.

I realize now how lucky I am. I didn't set my mind to a certain course. Oh well, I kind of cried because I wanted to take up medical technology, but it was for mere practicality, and the tuition was goddamn expensive. Did I truly want it? Nah.

I prayed to be aligned on a path best suited for me and my soul. Then, boom, I'm a socially awkward (more antisocial) psychology student. Did I regret it? Not really. Even now, I've got no regrets about taking up my course because I'm interested, the tuition is free, and I got the scholarship by simply manifesting. It's weird, but it worked.

I'm in a new city surrounded by people I barely know (I'm not close with them), but it's good. There's freedom knowing I'm all alone by myself. Even though sometimes I feel I don't belong with them, Either way, I met friends who encouraged me to chase my dreams and felt like people I knew for a lifetime when it was only months until we met. Those people with whom I didn't feel uncomfortable or had to put in extra effort in conversations compared to my other friends. Some people I haven't warmed up to, but I guess I could if I've already fully adjusted. Some are assholes, but leave them be—I don't have the energy to deal with them.

My first year in college wasn't that exciting. The time with no class was boring until it's rushed and you're dying to meet deadlines with quality work, or you're practically dying to study because the exams are next week. Everything is both slow and rushed (I don't know how that's possible), and you find yourself contemplating whether you're on the right path. Though I feel like I'm not even the best fit here, I guess there's a reason why I'm here.

But truly, I'm grateful for everything. I've been lucky enough and haven't seen things unless I see less fortunate ones who cannot have what I have. And I've been peaceful for the longest time, one I've been praying so hard for in the years I was constantly depressed.

Here's a reminder: appreciate the littlest things and ask for what you want, whether it's God, the universe, or whatever you believe. It will happen least unexpectedly, and when you realize it, it's already there. Be grateful for everything and know that what is meant for you will align you to the best path—to become your best self. Also, be gentle with yourself.

That's all.

love lots,

aru.