wabi - sabi

nove

"𝙳𝚒𝚛𝚎𝚌𝚝𝚒𝚘𝚗𝚕𝚎𝚜𝚜..."

How can one be certain about the path they take for themselves? I have often wondered.

In my last year of high school—it's not as if it's new information—but it hit me like a bus on a busy street, leaving me alone in the middle of the road, that everyone in my generation is truly as ambitious as they are. I watch people climb the magnificent stairs of success each day, working relentlessly as if racing against time itself—while I sit back and watch how far they go.

Back then, I couldn't fathom the sense of direction everyone had, and so I found myself insecure about their fearless behavior, wishing I had been created the same way. To this day, I often wonder, What if I took risks and adopted a 'wing it' attitude? Certainly, I have been blessed with various accomplishments already. Perhaps I lacked the confidence to believe in myself.

And so, I spent my days wallowing in self-pity. I often hated my lazy days, thinking that if I was not productive enough, I had proven myself useless. The hatred I felt for how I lived my life built up day by day, and I felt more insecure than ever, seeing other people working tirelessly for their goals.

Becoming a slave to that mindset led me to create perfectionism within myself. Failing was never an option. If there was one thing I had grown scared of, it was failure itself. I often considered myself one, as I had lived the life of an underachiever. I grew thirsty for accomplishment and being at the top—a mere human enslaved by power.

Acting out of jealousy and envy, I imitated what I'd seen. Though I knew so well that I had this innate determination within myself, I spent it on the hustle. Being burned out only meant I had exhausted myself enormously. Achievements felt fulfilling, though I still hated seeing other people achieve them. I was just petty, and I wanted to win. Everyone else seemed to always win, and I despised watching them do so.

I can only scratch the nape of my neck now. Geez, that was a scarcity mindset. I just couldn't live without fighting on the battlefields of the hustle. After countless burnout sessions and a constant reminder that I always have to win and prove myself capable through achievements, I successfully created my demise. The psychological and physical tiredness took effect like poison, building up each second and finally delivering a lethal blow. I was taken out of the battlefield, defeated by my own hands.

Desiring power seemed appealing in this day and age, but in my case, it was more like a self-sabotage weapon to cut my head off, leaving me unaware of my stupidity.

I stopped, of course. I hated that way of life. It was a learning process for me—the hustle culture. To this day, I feel proud of people who have successfully juggled that kind of life. I could never. They're all very passionate individuals who thrive in such busy lives.

Achievements—I still kind of want them even now. But then I'm also very stubborn; I just can't follow everyone, you know? I have to create a different way of life. I want to live authentically.

In my last year of being a teen, I was directionless. One night in the bathroom, I bawled my eyes out, pulling my hair out of frustration. I told myself I had to create my dream life. This time, however, I did not know what I wanted anymore.

It's so easy to fall victim to society's version of success: to become wealthy, to become well-known, and to become a diamond—to shine brightly among the poor and dirtied masses. If there was one thing I learned from my desire to become successful, it was the fact that I cannot consider myself much if I am not grateful for the person I am now, stripped of anything but my humanity.

It might seem peculiar to ask for a simple life. My relatives scoff at such an idea, knowing my mother chose that kind of life. My friends, on the other hand, have their lives planned carefully to ensure their success in adulthood. My father continuously talks about wanting a grand house, even if he cannot achieve it through his efforts.

To be honest, I just want to do nothing. I watched a video on YouTube one day that said embodying feminine energy involves simply being. I learned that, too, through my insights. It is more than enough that I exist. I make the world as valuable as it is through my existence. I refuse to be used in this lifetime.

I refuse to be enslaved by society's version of success, by money, by external achievements, by my fear of missing out on my high-achieving friends, by being used as a trust fund for my family with broken dreams, by the wishes of others who want to brainwash me into believing I cannot achieve anything, or by all the pain and trauma brought to me by people projecting their issues onto me, nor by the rage I know I still contain in the depths of my soul.

I've always hated being told what to do. I will never let anyone tell me how to live my life.

Another reason I am so uncertain about the path to take is because I have witnessed what I did not want growing up. Everyone—from my family, friends, unhealthy friendships or relationships, people I saw on the Internet, or whoever they are—I learn from them. I learn from their experiences, from how they dipped their toes in the cold waters, and assess how I will dip my toes without getting wet.

I watched them. I watched how members of my family let go of their passions to focus on family. I witnessed people being blessed one day and robbed of that abundance the next—oh, how easy it must be to be robbed by going the fastest way.

I watched how my relatives continuously live with scarcity mindsets, believing that if they don't work tirelessly in their practical jobs, they won't have food on the table the next day, even if they might already be drowning in riches—or their money-hungry selves who are drowning in countless debts. So truly, where are the riches in that?

I've seen how they belittle people in poverty, even if they came from it. I've seen how they willingly destroy their families and selves in their pursuit of gaining more. They cannot even have one bit of awareness of themselves and their issues. How easy manipulation, blaming, and betrayal become when they already have their so-called 'power.'

They are not successful. I refuse to believe they are, because if they were, why do they overlook their flaws, knowing that they've become lethal even to the people close to them? Do they not learn at all?

As for the people I keep close to my heart, I keep quiet. I will be there to help them when things get rough. I am certain that their ways are good and they will get through them, but then the path toward goals isn't linear. You cannot just lose yourself through constant running—you must observe and reflect. You must know the meanings and implications of the trajectory of your path.

I prefer to have an abundance to work for me and discover what I can do for myself. I don't think I can only work toward a goal I have not reflected on. I don't think I can just reach for what everyone else reaches for as well.

I want to tread my path carefully and steadily, no matter how slowly I get to a goal, and not become similar to the people who have already achieved and only later reflect on whether it was really for them.

Perhaps I am too idealistic, imagining myself playing a bigger part in life. But I want my life to be intentional. I crave purpose and peace of mind.

For now, I may remain directionless, but I would rather spend my days reflecting and carefully thinking about what my soul wants in this lifetime and move toward it mindfully, slowly, and steadily, rather than living a life enslaved by materialism or an influenced idea of how to live.

Who knows? Maybe going through life's waves is when I'll figure out what I want in life—or rather, what my soul wants. fulfillment it needs in this lifetime, and by that time, I could finally incorporate it into my reality.

Life is not a race. And I'll surely take my time.

love lots,

aru.